24: Day Five, 5-6am Jack Bauer Kills Most Everyone While the First Lady Makes the Ultimate Yucky Sacrifice (Season Finale: Part One, #23)

You know, come to think of it, I can’t take another episode of this show. I’m exhausted. Me need sleep.

Hands down, the BEST season since Day One. And probably the BEST season finale of all the Days. Wow. How deeply satisfying…

...oh sure, TV’s best president ever got assassinated, Michelle Dessler was killed by a Jiffy-Pop automobile, Tony got stabbed in the neck by an old Robocop, Edgar got gassed and went all brown-spittle on us, Derek (the daughter Jack never had) got abandoned, Aaron Pierce got beaten within an inch of his life, Kimberly (the daughter Jack never had) is permanently estranged from her father, and on top of everything…CHLOE HAS AN EX-HUSBAND...WITH AN ACCENT! WHAT THE…?!

Still, life is good.

First, let us look forward through clenched fingers to Black Hole 2006: The Summer of Bad TV. Here’s what’s in store...

Fox's So You Think You Can Dance Polka?

Up against NBC's oh so Below Average Joe...

...and then there's ABC's projected ratings hit, Dancing With the Stars' Dogs...




...while CBS bolsters its hottest franchise with CSI: Jackson Hole.

Public television offers three new episodes of Nova (no, really, that's PBS' Nova. They're viewer-funded, for God's sake)


And let's not forget what The CW, lovechild of UPN and the WB, will be giving us this summer...

Oh, the stupidity. Oh, the humanity. Oh, the stupid humanity. Why, God? WHY?!

There's just so much to talk about. A few observations.

1. God bless little Petty Officer Rooney...


...and his highly functional paring knife!

You know, you never really use that corkscrew much. Apparently, this was The Day of the Throat. Did you notice how much throat stabbing we had this season?

2. Poor Bierko ate a Jackleg sammich! I love the sounds of necks breaking in the morning!


3. And then there's Christopher Henderson. First, the magic of his gun being chock full o' NOTHIN'! And then, OH SNAP! to have Jack pop that pile of dog doo-doo right between the eyes without flinching, well, it capped off the best opening 20 minutes of any episode this year, if not in the entire series. "Ya know, Chris, that IS the way it works." That bucket o' bolts is heading for the scrap heap. CHOICE!

Kids, is there a lesson to be learned here? Yeah: stay on Jack's good side, at all costs. Meanwhile, Rooney pees himself.

4. Finally, Mike Novick gets UP TO SPEED! HELLO!

Well, I've regained all my respect for ol' LightBulbHead. Gonna miss him, but I bet he'll be back. These essential scenes where the truth is finally revealed were choice as well. Now, why didn't EMMY! and Aaron SUCK FACE?! We all know they're in love.


Geez, you two shoulda jumped at the chance while Mr. TeenyNutz was elsewhere. Hmm. I don't remember them changing into their swimsuits.

5. Let's talk about sacrifice. For a moment, forget all the Expendable Federal Agents Red-shirts who bought it over the last 24 hours. Forget Headwound Tony and Michelle "Roasting on an Open Fire" Dessler. Forget pudgy little Edgar. Forget Trout Heller and his bad car stunt taken straight outta Knight Rider.

Forget the Little Hobbit That Huffed Really Bad Aerosol For His Country.


Can't we all agree right here and right now that the BIGGEST sacrifice for the United States of America was made by our BELOVED First Lady Martha EMMY! Logan when she slept WITH SATAN HIMSELF?!


This woman DESERVES A COIN WITH HER FACE ON IT! That poor, over-medicated, mentally abused woman! SHE IS A NATIONAL HERO! Just look at her!

I SWEAR I vurped* a little during that scene.

* Vurp: a cross between a burp and vomit. In spite of all the gagging sounds you make, it doesn't quite make it all the way out, instead stopping at the back of your throat. It usually tastes like Pepto mixed with cabbage...



and dirty socks.


I'm still trying to figure out how this guy got his feet to do that. That's gotta hurt.

That was just the first hour! More to come in Part Two.