Tyberspace 24

24: Day Six JACK BITES A GUY'S NECK OFF!

2007-01-15T22:31:00.000-06:00

Well, a new day dawns over Los Angeles, and Jack Bauer, disguised as either Grizzly Adams or a homeless guy named Arnie, is called upon to KICK SOME TERRORIST A$$!

Woo hoo! A new day deserves a new blog! Click Day Six and let the mayhem begin!

24: Day Five, 6-7am No, Wait, THIS Is the One Where the President Poops Himself! (Season Finale: Part Two, #24)

2006-05-24T19:14:00.000-05:00

The observations continue!

6. Now, as we established in the previous blog, Martha EMMY! Logan, our beloved, former drug-abusing, now high-on-life First Lady deserves a statue next to the Lincoln Memorial for making the ultimate sacrifice. She capped off the 5-6 hour by...by...omigod, I can barely utter the words without my Lean Cuisine enchiladas being vurped* up to the back of my throat...by KNOCKING BOOTS WITH SATAN HIMSELF!

*For a definition of "vurp," please see episode #23 blog.

If WE thought it was bad to watch, you can just imagine actually DOING it. You could see the look of disgust on her face, the utter revulsion. The pig-ba$tard jowls, the flapping elderly chapped lips...

In his mind, it was a type of triumph, I'm sure. Well, it was worth a DOUBLE UGH and a TRIPLE VURP!

That poor woman...

The First Lady's only solace was that the "incident," the "drive-by shagging," the "bumping uglies with Pig-Ba$tard-in-Chief" (whatever you wanna call it) probably lasted, oh, three minutes, tops?

7. Once again, Jack does a Broadway-style costume change and sneaks onto the president's helicopter, Marine 666. If it's so easy to sneak onto diplomatic flights and presidential helicopters, WHY AREN'T MORE PEOPLE DOING IT?! I mean, all it takes is one of these...

...a discreet headset...

...and a nifty jumpsuit!

8. If sneaking onto Marine 666 weren't enough, Jack takes Beelzebub to an abandoned warehouse and handcuffs him to a pole and tries to force him to tell the truth. Okay, let's get a show of hands: how many of you wish this would happen to the REAL president?

Praise Jesus, what an overwhelming response! Alrighty, then...

9. I'm telling you, the scene where Jack confronts Lucifer was the second-most riveting of the night.
Jack: Mr. Flappy Jowls TinyBallz, I want you to confess to approving the murder of President David Palmer, and being culpable in the deaths of Tony Almeda, Michelle Dessler, Edgar the Chubby Computer Guy, and Olo Foxburr of Loamsdown, the Dead CTU Hobbit, and the attempted murder of Chloe O'Brien. And now I'm beginning to wonder about Jimmy Hoffa...

Beelzebub: But, Jack, I'm handcuffed to a pole like a common stripper, of which I've seen many. Jimmy who?

Jack: I DON'T CARE! I have nothing to lose. I WILL kill you. Jimmy HOFFA, you moron.
Lord of the Flies: But, see, I'm on camera, and I haven't brushed my teeth, heh, heh...C'mon, Jack...there's $75 in my wallet. Take it and we'll pretend this little confrontation never happened. There you go, go buy yourself a nice watch at Dillard's. Jimmy Hoffa? Still not making the connection...
Jack: TELL ME THE TRUTH, YOU BA$TARD! YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY!

So, then, of course, Jack pulls out the gun and can't bring himself to do it, much to our collective dismay, even though we all know he could've done it and told everyone the little pipsqueak died of a heart attack stepping out of the helicopter and no, we don't know where the three bullet wounds to his head came from!

You know, Jack does that a lot: he gets very close to blowing bad guys away or ripping out their throats and then backs down at the last minute. Of course, Jack knows best, but the audience wants a primetime bloodbath revengeful enough to last us through the Summer of Bad TV. You know, just once, Jack needs to say "Ahh, screw it. I'm giving you exactly what you deserve--a raspberry to the belly!"

10. For sure, THE most riveting scene of the finale: The Logans in the Hangar. But first, they had to wheel our beloved president David Palmer's casket across the tarmac. Got me a little verklempt, I must say. You know, I had this very tiny hope that somehow Palmer's death had been faked to ferret out the conspirators, but alas, he's probably really dead. Gonna miss the ol' insurance salesman.

And THEN, to have ol' Lucifer Turkeybutt himself inappropriately burst out of the helicopter waving all Nixony-like as if it were a July 4th photo-op.

Uggghh. The bile rose up in my throat like a shiny new vurp. And THEN, after EMMY! loses all composure, that S.O.B. had the NERVE to take her into a hangar and slap the Botox out of her!

Little Pig-Ba$tard!

Ahh, yes, but then, the moment millions had been waiting for. Thanks to our dear little socially inept Chloe...

(looks awfully excited, doesn't she?)...Barney Beelzebub's world collapses around him.

Other than seeing Jack blow him away in some remote, forgotten warehouse and leaving his body in a dumpster to be ravaged by vermin, wasn't it the NEXT BEST THING?!

The sickly, "I think I'm poopin' on myself" look on his face seared in our collective TV memories FOREVER! WOO HOO! Not to mention the look of triumph on Mrs. Logan's face. Now she can get down to business!

You GO, Mrs. First Lady! You GO, Aaron Pierce, Secret Agent Man! Hmm. Aparently three weeks of baking himself silly in the Boca Raton sun turned Aaron into Dennis Farina. Shame, really.

Households across the globe did their own little mini-waves!

It was just so friggin' poetic.

11. Of course, then came the prerequisite tying up of loose ends.

President Satan Logan will now come to embrace life as the most disgraced President ever.

Karen Hayes and Bob Buchanan begin to kindle the embers of passion, with a breakfast date at Denny's. Karen takes a raincheck...because it was a breakfast date at Denny's.

Nice pleated khakis, kids.

L.A. begins to bury its CTU dead.

Chloe actually starts to show a little vulnerability...

And still, no one has any idea where Wayne Palmer is...

Well, I guess that's the end of Season Five, except for one last tiny detail...JACK IS BEING KIDNAPPED TO CHINA! WHAT THE...?! WILL IT NEVER END?!

Audrey Raines, that poor little stork, is once again left to live life without her deeply troubled timebomb of a man...

...while Jack learns what it's actually like to be on a real-life SLOW BOAT TO CHINA!

Ever loyal and ever industrious, Curtis Manning and Chloe O'Brien get to work immediately on a plan to bring Jack back to safety.

Next season on 24:

Jack puts his undercover skills to the test to beat seemingly insurmountable odds!

Letting the other chefs bicker over the bok choi, Jack discreetly steps toward the tofu aisle...TO FREEDOM!

Enjoy the summer, Jackheads! Until January 2007!

24: Day Five, 5-6am Jack Bauer Kills Most Everyone While the First Lady Makes the Ultimate Yucky Sacrifice (Season Finale: Part One, #23)

2006-05-23T19:15:00.000-05:00

You know, come to think of it, I can’t take another episode of this show. I’m exhausted. Me need sleep.

Hands down, the BEST season since Day One. And probably the BEST season finale of all the Days. Wow. How deeply satisfying…

...oh sure, TV’s best president ever got assassinated, Michelle Dessler was killed by a Jiffy-Pop automobile, Tony got stabbed in the neck by an old Robocop, Edgar got gassed and went all brown-spittle on us, Derek (the daughter Jack never had) got abandoned, Aaron Pierce got beaten within an inch of his life, Kimberly (the daughter Jack never had) is permanently estranged from her father, and on top of everything…CHLOE HAS AN EX-HUSBAND...WITH AN ACCENT! WHAT THE…?!

Still, life is good.

First, let us look forward through clenched fingers to Black Hole 2006: The Summer of Bad TV. Here’s what’s in store...

Fox's So You Think You Can Dance Polka?

Up against NBC's oh so Below Average Joe...

...and then there's ABC's projected ratings hit, Dancing With the Stars' Dogs...

...while CBS bolsters its hottest franchise with CSI: Jackson Hole.

Public television offers three new episodes of Nova (no, really, that's PBS' Nova. They're viewer-funded, for God's sake)

And let's not forget what The CW, lovechild of UPN and the WB, will be giving us this summer...

Oh, the stupidity. Oh, the humanity. Oh, the stupid humanity. Why, God? WHY?!

There's just so much to talk about. A few observations.

1. God bless little Petty Officer Rooney...

...and his highly functional paring knife!

You know, you never really use that corkscrew much. Apparently, this was The Day of the Throat. Did you notice how much throat stabbing we had this season?

2. Poor Bierko ate a Jackleg sammich! I love the sounds of necks breaking in the morning!

3. And then there's Christopher Henderson. First, the magic of his gun being chock full o' NOTHIN'! And then, OH SNAP! to have Jack pop that pile of dog doo-doo right between the eyes without flinching, well, it capped off the best opening 20 minutes of any episode this year, if not in the entire series. "Ya know, Chris, that IS the way it works." That bucket o' bolts is heading for the scrap heap. CHOICE!

Kids, is there a lesson to be learned here? Yeah: stay on Jack's good side, at all costs. Meanwhile, Rooney pees himself.

4. Finally, Mike Novick gets UP TO SPEED! HELLO!

Well, I've regained all my respect for ol' LightBulbHead. Gonna miss him, but I bet he'll be back. These essential scenes where the truth is finally revealed were choice as well. Now, why didn't EMMY! and Aaron SUCK FACE?! We all know they're in love.

Geez, you two shoulda jumped at the chance while Mr. TeenyNutz was elsewhere. Hmm. I don't remember them changing into their swimsuits.

5. Let's talk about sacrifice. For a moment, forget all the Expendable Federal Agents Red-shirts who bought it over the last 24 hours. Forget Headwound Tony and Michelle "Roasting on an Open Fire" Dessler. Forget pudgy little Edgar. Forget Trout Heller and his bad car stunt taken straight outta Knight Rider.

Forget the Little Hobbit That Huffed Really Bad Aerosol For His Country.

Can't we all agree right here and right now that the BIGGEST sacrifice for the United States of America was made by our BELOVED First Lady Martha EMMY! Logan when she slept WITH SATAN HIMSELF?!

This woman DESERVES A COIN WITH HER FACE ON IT! That poor, over-medicated, mentally abused woman! SHE IS A NATIONAL HERO! Just look at her!

I SWEAR I vurped* a little during that scene.

* Vurp: a cross between a burp and vomit. In spite of all the gagging sounds you make, it doesn't quite make it all the way out, instead stopping at the back of your throat. It usually tastes like Pepto mixed with cabbage...

and dirty socks.

I'm still trying to figure out how this guy got his feet to do that. That's gotta hurt.

That was just the first hour! More to come in Part Two.

24: Day Five, 4-5am Jack Bauer Realizes the Tape Recorder Was Pretty Dang Crappy While the First Lady Bags Her First Secret Service Agent (#22)

2006-05-16T18:00:00.000-05:00

Let us begin, then, by taking a moment of silence in anticipation of the approaching summer without Jack, Audrey, Mrs. Logan, Curtis Manning, and the Little Hobbit Named McDill.

Can't wait to see the two-hour finale. CAN wait, however, for the season that will become known as Black Hole 2006: The Summer of Bad TV.

What a strange, frustrating little transitional episode.

Viewers may have been left disconcerted as a lot of Jack's options seemed to run out. The tape incriminating Satan was destroyed. He can't kill Henderson just yet, darn it. Oh-So-Hatable Miles Papazian seems to have gotten off scott-free...

...though it was absolutely delightful to see the nasty rat trying to squirm free of Jack's Vulcan death grip.

What will happen to him? Is he just going to wander off, jogging goofily like Tom Hanks in Forrest Gump...

...and then mysteriously end up in a high-level, high-paying position in Logan's refreshed, Palmer-free, CTU-free, Aaron-Pierce-free, Almeida-free, Martha-free, Cummings-free administration? Or will the entire vomitous evil scheme come crumbling down around the blood-stained feet of the President and Dr. Romano's Evil Chamber of Doom?

Who knows? We may see Miles the Stinky Rat next season crapping pellets on everyone's desk and wreaking general havoc on Jack's next endeavor. Until then, I'm puttin' lotsa hate on him. Here's hoping he gets his due.

At least he left with Karen's handprint imprinted across his cheek.

Some observations.

1. Why didn't Evelyn, the First Lady's personal assistant (by now buried deep within some L.A. highway construction project) buy a BETTER TAPE RECORDER?! Why don't these people think ahead?! You'd think the President's California retreat would be well-stocked with top-of-the-line electronic EVERYTHING! But, NOOOOOO! Evelyn had to stop by the K-Mart on the way to record Satan incriminating himself in Palmer's death and pick up a PIECE OF CRAP! One that could EASILY BE ERASED!

2. Notice how the show's producers saved lots of money by not even showing us how Beirko escaped. Of course, all we got was Not-Quite-Expendable Agent Davis surrounded by what looked like an apocalyptic pile of dead bodies and burning debris, talking on his surprisingly sturdy cell phone in great detail: "Yes, thankfully I made it out with nary a scratch and my clear-as-a-bell cell phone. As I lay there in the back of the burned-out Escalade, barely conscious, I was able to make myself more alert by pinching myself enough to make out that they were headed to that big nuclear submarine in dock slot #18. I think. They're taking the Ventura highway. I think. I'll be okay. I think." Amazing government-issue cell-phone, I must say.

3. Meanwhile back at the presidential retreat, Mrs. Logan is having a party trying to toss all those "M&Ms" into her own mouth.

4. And how about that glorious good-vs.-evil showdown between our blessed Aaron Pierce...

...and the Dork-in-Chief?

Aboslutely delightful. Hands bound and weakened by a severe beating, Aaron still had the guts to stand up to the Moron-in-Chief, call him by his FIRST name (PRICELESS!) and say, "A$$hole, I mean, Charles, you are a traitor and a disgrace to the office. Plus, your ballz are really, REALLY tiny. Like minuscule, itty bitty baby English peas."

Aaron Pierce, what a man.

5. Of course, now that Logan has called off Jack's arrest, making him an open target, Jack goes next door to the Acme Tatts and More Tattoo Parlor where Claudia, the only "artist" on duty at this hour, fires up her needle and suggests one of her finest designs.

6. After his bulls-eye tatt dries, Jack is forced to make a deal with Henderson. Making deals is not Jack's strong suit, at this point. But alas, he must do it. Will you LOOK at that jacket Jack is sporting?! And the hair? Egad!

Of course, Jack doesn't want to make a deal because Henderson killed Palmer, and a deal would be a huge insult to Palmer's legacy. This conversation, by the way, prompted me to introduce a new catchphrase into today's lexicon: From now on, before any serious, life-changing decision, we should all ask ourselves: W.W.P.D? What Would Palmer Do? Hey, it might work.

God bless 'im. R.I.P.

7. Jack, along with millions of viewers, is downright itching to kill Henderson. Does he really need a good excuse? Why can't he make up one? How about "Karen, he spilled coffee on my leather bomber jacket. I had to kill him," or "Henderson pooted in the Escalade! I shot him. I had to," or "For God's sake, Karen, he starred in Robocop of all things! It was a mercy killing!"

Apparently Henderson wears a screw-on wig most of the time. Who knew?

8. OH. MY. NERVOUS. SYSTEM. AND. MY. DIGESTIVE. SYSTEM! THE FIRST LADY PACKIN' HEAT! I'M SAYIN' PACKING SOME HEAT!

Well, needless to say, the cat did the wave when THAT happened!

Well, of course, those two little lovebirds are gonna get hitched, you just know it. Sing it with me: "Aaron and Former First Lady Martha Logan, sittin' in a tree, K-I-L-L-I-N-G." They're gonna sneak off and have a quick little wedding and run off behind the shady trees. (sigh)

Okay back to business. Wasn't it GREAT to see that secret service agent get BLOWN AWAY?! Nothing says "love" like killing the guy who was ordered by your husband, the President of the United States of America, to shoot your soon-to-be-lover in the head and dispose of the body in a trunk lined with plastic. Good times.

9. Well, BAD DAY FOR THE CREW OF THE SUBMARINE NATALIA. This can't be good. And just think, those poor guys were all about to call it a night and get breakfast.

Nothing says "death" like having a canister of Sentox nerve gas dropped into your very claustrophobic stuffy submarine...right before you were about to sink your teeth into Triple Hashbrowns--Scattered, Smothered, and Capped.

Oh well, such is life. I mean, death.

Next week on 24:

Jack FINALLY has enough and demands justice by challenging President Logan to...a dance-off.

I have no idea where these Italian and Hispanic guys came from. They just showed up. Anyhoo, President Logan fatally pulls a groin muscle, AND THE WORLD IS SAVED!

And, as the photo indicates, Martha EMMY! Logan pays her last respects to Charles, THE WORST PRESIDENT EVER! and then runs off with Aaron Pierce, who inexplicably now dresses in cashmere trenchcoats and Humphrey Bogart hats. Now part of the Witness Protection Program, they move to Boca Raton and live happily ever after, slightly under the poverty line. Every once in a while, you can spot them hittin' the buffet scene around 4:00 p.m.

24: Day Five, 3-4am Jack Bauer Somehow Lands The Doomed Plane Safely on a Gravel Bicycle Path While the President Poops His Pants (#21)

2006-05-09T21:40:00.000-05:00

Well, what can I say?

OH. MY. NERVOUS. SYSTEM!

Unparalleled acting. Superb direction. Flawless editing. Tasty catering. Spot-on background music. Can anything on TV be this perfect?! Well, Lost, probably, but this is basically a 24 blog, not a Lost one.

I must lament briefly that there are only three episodes left: I believe one next week and a 2-hour finale. Then what?

I know EXACTLY where to drown my sorrows:

Soon, my life will be an empty travail of tears. My only companions along the way to Day Six (JANUARY 2007, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!) will be this...

...and this:

...oh yeah! This, too:

This episode WORE ME OUT!

The fanny pack broke my fall, by the way.

Of course, I have a few observations.

1. First, many things seemed to fall into the "But, Of Course!" file. Of course, Secretary "Trout" Heller miraculously survived his car plunging into the river. Thank God he was saved. Here we see him being pulled from the river.

Of course, it just so happens that there's a long stretch of lonely highway near L.A. where Jack and Evans the Cowardly Pilot can handily land the plane.

Was anyone around to see this stray 747 careening toward the earth, 75 feet from the ground?

Of course not! There also happened to be a very convenient curfew, which means no cars were on the aforementioned lonely stretch of highway. Of course, no one thought of the possible Amish commuter who has no TV/radio/computer/newspaper boy/telegraph/megaphone to receive word about said martial law-induced curfew. Here we see Rebekah and Daniel Lapp ducking for cover.

Hey, come to think of it, what are the Lapps doing out so late?! Hmm. A quilting bee gone awry with too much apple cider, I suppose.

Of course, the plane stops just in time before getting its wings ripped off by the narrow confines of the overpass.

Of course, not much roadkill on that lonely stretch of highway, either. Most of the smart animals stayed clear. Most of them, anyway.

2. Speaking of vomitous roadkill, Miles Papazian is a sickening, dirty, brown-nosing pile of putrid filth. On a good day. That rat deserves immediate extermination, or a least a Jack-punch to the sternum.

3. Loved the look on Miles' face when Buchanan AND Chloe marched through CTU unheralded. Poetic, wasn't it? He looked like he had seen a ghost...

...or maybe even that dummy from that Anthony Hopkins movie that gave me nightmares as a kid...

or worse...THIS!

4. Speaking of looks on faces, Logan's face when he realized that the plane didn't get shot down and the plane landed safely on the gravel bicycle path and Jack wasn't found on the plane and Jack had even escaped the military dragnet...PRICELESS. The man started twitching! Who can blame him for getting suicidal? I'm sure he had "Dead Prez walking!" ringing in his ears.

Of course, the whole time, Novick (The Little Doubting Light Bulb That Could), thinks Logan's reactions are quite odd. I was waiting for this conversation:
Novick: Mr. President, Jack's a national hero. Why are you hesitating?
Beelzebub: Because, Mike, I am a ginormous a$$hole.

Novick: Yes, I know, but why are you twitching?
Barney the Satan: Because God may smite me down for being too evil for this world.

Novick: Yes, I know, but are you okay?
TinyTesticles Logan: No, I POOPED MY PANTS!

However, let's not forget who we're dealing with here. Yes, he seriously entertained eating a bullet, but thanks to the ever-present, always-working telephones on this show and that vile, a$$-kissing rat Miles, the President is a new man! Why, he rose like a phoenix from the ashes when he realized he had a new lease on life...

And where were the President's secret service guys when he was getting all Fourth-of-July, Harry-Potter Wizardish on us? Luring the First Lady into a locked chamber using a Zoloft dangling from a stick, of course.

You know, our children can learn a lot from this show. I mean, most of 'em know the standard stuff: Don't talk to strangers; learn your street address; learn how to dial 9-1-1, your home phone number, your daddy's office number, and the 1-800 number to your step-mom's tanning salon; and don't start smoking until you're at least 14.

Here's another lesson for the little ones: it's one thing if your illustrious President is a bumbling, yet affable, basically likable, slightly uninformed doddering old goofball...

...However, if he changes into this overnight...

...kids, RUN LIKE HELL! AND GET YOUR PARENTS TO VOTE FOR THE OTHER PARTY! The Prez looks a little sleep-deprived, don't he?

Of course, Miles expects Logan to repay him by placing him high within the presidential inner circle. Little does he know exactly what the only available opening is right now. He'll get plenty of training, I'm sure...

5. Best zinger of the night: when Martha EMMY! Logan said to King Charles the Soulless: "I had no idea you were such a good liar. If I wasn't so horrified by the fact that I married you, I might actually be impressed." OUCH! Lovely. Absolutely lovely.

Hmm. Amazing what Botox and a new 'do will do.

6. Let's not forget the biggest question of the night: Who are Graham Cracker and his cohorts? Big oil? Big business? Big buttheads? Here's hoping we don't have to wait the entire summer to find out. But don't they look despicable? I HATE THEM!

7. Back to Karen. Has anyone in this stupid organization ever heard of WHISPERING?! Geez!

It's that thing you do when you DON'T WANT SOMEONE ELSE TO HEAR YOU! She basically took a megaphone and broadcast all her conversations with Chloe and Buchanan to the world! And what's up with that ridiculous "Miles has always been loyal to me" crap? Isn't it obvious he was raised by rats in a landfill?

Do Karen and Miles have some checkered romantic past? To stifle my burgeoning rage over Miles and his evil, smarmy ways, I just pictured him and Karen expressing their true feelings under the stairwell. Napes and bosoms! EW!

8. Was it just me or was anyone else weirded out by Jack's fondling and kissing of Audrey's knees? C'mon! Jack cracks sternums and goes undercover and gets addicted to heroin in Mexican drug cartels and puts decapitated heads in bowling ball bags and shoots women in the leg above the kneecap so they won't be permanently paralyzed.

Hmm. Amazing what Botox and a new 'do will do.

He does NOT fondle and kiss knees! It's gotta be written down somewhere in the CTU by-laws. THAT AIN'T RIGHT!

9. Once again, Curtis Manning comes through with flying colors. The man can do no wrong. Let's just hope he survives the episode. Here we see Curtis mesmerizing the Marines with a Jedi/Vulcan mind trick.

Next week on 24:

1. The President and the Bloodied, Yet Gloriously Not-Dead Aaron Pierce have a showdown. "You're not worthy to hold the office!" Salivating over that one!

Chloe downloads the tape incriminating President Logan in the assassination of President Palmer. Much to everyone's shock, the file has been replaced with this image...

...backed by a continuous loop of "You Can't Touch This."

Hmm. Amazing what Botox and a new 'do will do.

Chloe screams and faints while Karen, Jack, Audrey, Buchanan, and Curtis are tied up by Miles in the CTU commissary. The President laughs maniacally while Jack starts to curse loudly.

24: Day Five, 2-3am Jack Bauer Causes a Plane Full of Diplomats to Plunge Earthward While Chloe Tasers a Lounge Lizard (#20)

2006-05-02T22:19:00.000-05:00

My, my, MY! What an incredible episode! Unbelievable.

Only FOUR EPISODES LEFT! GOOD LORD, we'll have to wait 'til January! I'm NOT looking forward to The Summer of Bad TV. I'm not sure what the wife and I will do with our time this summer. Maybe sit poolside and think about Day Six.

A few observations.
Haven't we learned so much from Jack? For example, last week we received essential instruction on how to sneak onto a diplomatic airplane using this:

this...

this...

And this:

Who knew it would be that easy?! I would skip sunglasses, though. You don't wanna be mistaken for one of these guys.

We also learned that once you get on the plane, all you need is to take that panel off in the luggage department and pull on a couple of strings to force everyone to use those special white lunch bags in the seat pocket. NEAT! You know, it’s never clear to me if those bags are for KEEPING your lunch in or LOSING your lunch in.

2. Four words to strike fear in any human heart on the planet: CHLOE HAS A TASER!

WASN’T THAT THE BEST TASERING EVER?!! TWICE EVEN!!! How nice to have some comic relief in an otherwise very tense episode. That poor guy just needed a little companionship.

"Hey, baby, what's your sign?"

3. BOB BUCHANAN TO THE RESCUE! Once Buchanan started unbuttoning his shirt, we weren't sure WHAT those nameless agents knocking on the door were gonna find:

This:

Or this:

EGAD! Glad he stuck with the heroic "I'm just walking around my house in my T-shirt" approach.

4. GOOD LORD! What about Jack on the plane?! The way he clocked that air marshal? May he NEVER sit by me on an airplane. Jack Bauer—the Ultimate Fast-Acting Sleeping Pill!

And then the whole “Let me just take off this panel and pull these two little strings AND THE PLANE WILL PLUMMET TO EARTH KILLING EVERYONE ON BOARD!” action.

Does Jack ever RELAX or WATCH TV or GO TO THE DRIVE-IN? Oh, once in a blue moon...

And poor Hans Meyer. He was so scared and SO THE WRONG GUY! So terrified, he was beside himself.

After it’s all over, there will be the obligatory apology from Jack: “Uhh, sorry, man, that I put a gun in your face, probably hit you a couple of times, forced you to get in the luggage compartment of the diplomatic airplane you were on and actually LOOK for your own luggage, dug through your personal items (I didn’t think guys wore leopard bikini briefs anymore, but that’s YOUR deal), and then indirectly forced the pilot to depressurize the plane, and then finally pulled those strings that caused the plane to plummet to earth giving you an embolism. For that, I’m truly sorry. At least I didn't electrocute your pectoral muscles and then choose some other person to live (leaving you to die on the operating table), shoot you in the leg above the kneecap so you wouldn't be permanently paralyzed, punch your sternum repeatedly, decapitate you and put your head in a bowling bag, make you run through a room of toxic gas to save the country (thereby sealing your fate), chop off your hand to detach the rest of you from a ticking bomb, shoot you in the back of your head in a train yard, date your mom and then abandon you, or make you become addicted to heroin to infiltrate a Mexican drug cartel. And yet, people love me. I don't know why.”

5. I have to say that Jean Smart repeatedly impresses me. If she doesn’t get an EMMY, they should give her a special Oscar, you know, a special cross-over Oscar: “Best Actress in a Role That Shoulda Been in a Film But Was on TV Instead.” Before she hits the red carpet, let's get her to work not only on her hair, but also that foggy gauzy Glamour Shots cloud that seems to be surrounding her head.

6. And what’s with Secret Service Agent Justin Adams? He reminds me of some freshman English students I used to know.

7. We screamed at the TV when EMMY! Logan was being all coy and fidgety NOT telling Mike Novick what she knew. “WOMAN, TELL HIM WHAT YOU KNOW! SAY IT IN SIGN LANGUAGE! PLAY CHARADES! SOMETHING!” I can picture the First Lady grabbing her earlobe and saying, "Sounds like...'Marles is smilty in Falmer's Beth! Marles is smilty in Falmer's Beth!'"

8. Then there was the very intense conversation between SATAN and Mike Novick. Logan standing there, Palmer’s blood on his hands, his guilt hanging heavily in the room like a impending storm, the sense of evil walking around the room like a lumbering monster. INSANE! You could read SATAN’S mind almost: “Dammit! I can’t kill my chief of staff. I want to, but I can't! As far as I know, no one’s ever done THAT before!”
However slowly, Mike’s getting there. Mr. Lightbulb Head will go off.

9. Simply put: PRESIDENT LOGAN IS SATAN. HIS MIDDLE NAME IS BEELZEBUB. HIS FRIENDS CALL HIM “THE LORD OF THE FLIES.” HE HAS A PALATIAL SUITE IN HELL! HE WILL BURN THERE FOREVER!

Goodness, he looks grumpy. Long day, I guess.

10. You should have seen the gymnastics at our house when Jack got the tape from the co-pilot! We invited the neighbors over and we laughed, we cried, it touched the very heart of us.

Next week: As the plane plummets to earth, Jack figures out how to save everyone with one parachute.

Before he jumps out of the plane holding hands with everyone listed on the manifest, he programs the plane to stay on autopilot until it lands on the President’s California retreat, sending Beelzebub back to the rotting, stinking hell where he belongs.

24: Day Five, 1-2am Jack Bauer Basically Causes William Devane to Drive His Car Over a Cliff (#19)

2006-04-25T20:57:00.000-05:00

Wow. I know I always say this, but last night’s episode was jaw-dropping.

It was so good, it seems almost a sacrilege to make fun of it, but I’ll do it anyway.

Remember folks, only FIVE EPISODES LEFT! What to do?! We're gonna have the "Bauerless Blues," the "Jack-drawals," the "24 Twitches." What an awful summer it will be! Alas, I believe this is a good time to start drinking and/or smoking. Our sorrows must be drowned somehow.

Onto the show!

My observations:
1. FOR GOD’S SAKE, THE PHONE! SOMEONE KILL THE STUPID OVERLY LOUD PHONE! C’mon! Do we, as viewers, constantly have to be reminded that Jack is receiving calls from Bob Buchanan, Chloe O’Brien, Audrey Raines, and Secretary “The Trout” Heller?

We know that dang phone is ringing, and yes, we could even believe that he SETS IT ON VIBRATE, SO THE BAD GUYS WON’T HEAR IT! After all, it's a highly advanced state-of-the-art piece of technology. It even has a crayon for an antenna.

I kept expecting Expendable Truck Driver #4 to scratch his chin and say, “Was that a phone I heard? It sounded like it came from...ON TOP OF MY TRUCK! But how could that be? Must’ve been a wind chime or a very clever mockingbird or the radio, but it was definitely not a guy in a Gap hoodie on top of my Diplomatic Milk Truck." I’m convinced, by the way, that the truck was carrying some of that new-fangled fake milk made out of pinto beans, NOT fuel, and Bill Buchanan was behind the scenes screaming to some CTU agent: "DELAY THE FAKE MILK! DELAY THE FAKE MILK!"

2. Back to Heller the Trout. I'm not convinced he's dead. If he can punch Jack's esophagus Navy SEAL-style, then he can hold his breath, retrieve his beloved iPod from the coin tray, shoot like a harp seal to the surface, and call Jack on his waterproof Motorola phone. You know, he really needs to stop sacrificing himself for our country. It upsets Audrey.

Speaking of Audrey, my estimation of her, both as a character and as an actress (Kim Raver) has done a 180. I was salivating for her to blow Henderson's head off, but she didn't, so to satisfy my bloodlust, I switched over to E's True Hollywood Story about Todd Bridges.

Not really. Seriously, Audrey has turned into a real bulldog. I think I'm a little scared of her, which is a good thing (to echo Martha Stewart)! She looks angry, or at least a little hungry.

3. What in the HECK is Dr. Romano from ER doing heading up some secret society that has President Logan by his itty bitty gonads? By the way, the official 24 episode guide refers to his character as "a power broker named Graham." His last name is "Cracker," I'm sure.

Though he indeed has the capacity for evil, shouldn't he instead be operating on a GSW to the pyloric valve or dancing on top of a 1980 Ford LTD in very tapered acid-washed jeans? Oh well, boy's gotta eat.

4. Was it just us, or did anyone else scream "CASTRATE THE BA$TARD" when President Logan tried to keep Martha "EMMY!" Logan quiet. She could use these...

or this...

or even these...

I suggest this to make it ESPECIALLY painful!

The BEST lines of the evening came straight out of Martha "EMMY!" Logan's mouth: "Charles, THE COUNTRY DOESN'T DESERVE TO SUFFER...but you do." I stood up and did a cartwheel. Ripped my Spandex shorts. Pulled a groin muscle, too.

And you could just see the EVIL in President Logan's leering face. I HATE 'IM!

5. I CANNOT praise Curtis enough! Everybody owes him at least a free lunch, especially Audrey. Here Curtis takes control, even silencing a nearby yapping Chihuahua.

6. It's good to see Karen's confidence start to wane. She's actually beginning to second-guess herself. Of course, hers is a government job, so the minute she starts to think for herself, speak up, or disobey an executive mandate, it's over. And what about that rat-a$$ punk Miles?! What a fawning, "pet-my-head" evil-doer! After this long day is over, I'm sure Miles and Karen both will be reprimanded or worse, demoted.

7. Ever notice that all this shooting, torturing, and political intrigue happens in the MIDDLE OF NOWHERE?! Just once, I'd like to see a farmer come out of his outhouse, mad as a hornet, waving his corncob, screaming, "WHAT IN THE TARNATION IS GOIN' ON OUT HERE?! DON'T BE SHOOTIN' AT THE LADIES! Y'ALL GET OFFA MY PROPERTY AFORE I GIT THE PO-LEESE ON YER A$$!"

But no, Jack and Friends always manage to find an abandoned farmhouse with nooks and crannies aplenty or, as Roger Ebert calls them, mysterious Steam and Flame factories, where no one works, yet Steam and Flame are produced regularly, in vast quantities. In fact, it reminds me of a little place that happens to be right behind my house. If you look closely, you can spot my hoodless car. Good times.

8. Finally, we must answer Red Hot Mama's question posted on the 12-1am blog. She asks "Where the heck is Wayne Palmer?" By the way, RHM, you'll live on in infamy (and in my heart) as my VERY FIRST BLOG COMMENT! Woo hoo! Thank you! I don't know exactly where he is, but I'll hazard a guess.

Paul Raines Alert:
By the way, just saw James Frain, the actor who played Paul Raines last season, on a promo for Invasion. Hmm. Who knew? There IS work to be found for meerkats who aren't gay, just British.

Next week: Chloe becomes head of CTU. Up in the cargo hold, Jack legally changes his name to "Hijack," steals undercover clothes from the luggage, and climbs up through a mysterious convenient panel in the floor, ending up in the lavatory. He takes over the plane, shooting out the screen right in the middle of Legally Blonde 2. Very accustomed to bad service and random gunfire, the passengers ignore him, thinking he's another disgruntled Delta employee. Soon they start demanding Bloody Marys and trail mix. Jack shoots the pilot in the leg above the kneecap for not helping make coffee. Omigosh, you can barely tell it's him!

24: Day Five, 12-1am Jack Bauer Gets His Girlfriend Hurt Like a Stuck Pig (#18)

2006-04-17T21:17:00.000-05:00

I said a little prayer after tonight's episode. I prayed "Dear Lord, keep my nervous system intact because I CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE EPISODES LIKE THAT!"

BEST EPISODE OF THE SEASON!

I was left speechless. Just speechless. Amazing.

Just a few observations.

1. I believe the phrase "Pig Bastard" was uttered several times at various volumes last night at our house. During the previews for next week, it was actually screamed. Satan is alive and lives at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue!

2. Bill Buchanan is not out of the picture. Woo hoo! When Chloe "Walking Acid Reflux" O'Brien met up with him, I was VERY glad not to hear: "Chloe, now that Spenser's out of the way, and Edgar (may he r.i.p) and Tony Almeda and Lynn McDill (aka Minto Sandybanks of Frogmorton) and that guard with the red shirt...TAKE ME! I'M YOURS!"

3. Speaking of Chloe: God bless her little ferret-like features! I have to admit that I kept expecting her to give old Miss "Fake Sexual Harassment Claims" a quick crack to the sternum. We know that Chloe has it in her to pull out all the stops if necessary. Remember when she went all Terminator 3 on some bad guy's butt last season? And did you notice? They actually gave her Mission: Impossible-type music? How cool was that?! And somewhere, somehow, she also learned how to pick pockets. I'd like to think she picked up that skill playing the Artful Dodger in a summer production of Oliver! Maybe not.

4. Was it me or did Aaron and EMMY! Logan need to turn on the A/C?! Or at least the fan! Yowza! There's a whole lotta of fireworks goin ' on there! When Aaron said, "Not here. Out by the stable," I thought the old guy was gonna show up in his tighty-whities, dark support hose, K-Mart sandals, and a riding whip. Egad! I tell you one thing, IF THEY DID ANYTHING TO OUR AARON, THERE'LL BE HELL TO PAY! Something's rotten in southern California. Perhaps the same cougar that threatened Kimberley (the Daughter Jack Never Really Wanted) ate Aaron, leaving the phone behind to scare Mrs. Logan! I mean, cats don't really have opposable thumbs; they don’t need phones. Makes sense.

5. I let out a big sigh of relief when Mr. Lightbulb Head got suspicious and started questioning Satan. I really thought Mike may have had a hand in the conspiracy. Thankfully, he's just slightly weasly. You know, EMMY Logan's not the only one with ballz of brass around there.

6. You know, I wonder if the REAL Secretary of Defense knows how to crush a guy's esophagus? I was like, "Wut up wit dat?" when Secretary Heller gave Jack a tracheotomy in about 2 seconds. And Jack wasn't prepared? C'mon? He's Immortal Jack, come from DonaldsutherLand to save us all!

7. The scenes with William Devane in Satan's office were superb. You know, Gregory Itzin's portrayal of the Lord of the Flies really deserves an Emmy. He really has garnered our hatred of that character. "And the Emmy goes to...BEELZEBUB! "I'd like to thank all the little demons who made this possible..." And then there was Devane's refusal to shake hands. PERFECT! "I don't shake hands with...SATAN!" And also "Your chair is not a throne! It's the mahogany DESK OF SATAN, complete with SATAN'S LETTER OPENER and SATAN'S STAPLER!" And then Devane all bewildered looking and saying to the Veep, "But that guy's SATAN! Can't you smell the stench? See his little horns, dirty snout, beady eyes, and long forked tail?! For God's sake, Vice President Moron (I mean, Gardner), this isn't HALLOWEEN!! Take a look-see! Underneath those $800 wingtips are SATAN'S ARGYLE SOCKS OVER SATAN'S CLOVEN HOOVES!"

8. Of course, Jack Bauer, the MacGuyver of Federal Agents, gets Audrey Storkneck and himself out of a fix without batting an eyelash. I thought he was gonna stand on her shoulders, ruining the white cashmere jacket, but no, he just happened to have ladder-type things on the wall to help him up to the pipe blatantly labeled "CAUTION: HOT PIPE HOT ENOUGH NOT ONLY TO BURN SKIN BUT ALSO TO BURN THROUGH STANDARD GOVERNMENT-ISSUE PVC HANDCUFFS. WARNING: BURN OFF HARDPLASTIC HANDCUFFS AT YOUR OWN RISK!"

9. I'd have to argue that the Bleeding Like a Stuck Pig scene was about the most riveting scene of the evening. As much flack as I've given her, I wasn't ready to see Audrey bite the dust. "Uhh, Jack, I really like the cashmere jacket you gave me, but I think I'll need to take it to the drycleaners! Bad, BAD PAPERCUT! We might have to postpone the wedding. At least if I lose this arm, I'll match Chase (if he's even invited)." TV at its best!

10. I think for future episodes, they ought to superimpose big neon yellow arrows that say "Expendable Soon-to-Be Dead Guy." When Jack and that other agent hid behind the airplane tires, I thought, "Yep, we all know Jack ain't gonna be the one that goes to the big briefing in the sky." Poor guy, but at least the actor got his SAG card.

11. Best line of the evening: "Our government has no integrity!" Tell us something we DON'T know!

Next week: Was it me or is Dr. Romano (the mean bald doctor) from E.R. gonna be in next week's episode? It sure looked like him.

Anyhoo, next week: Jack and Henderson spend the ENTIRE episode shooting at each other from point-blank range inside a black Escalade while everyone else waits outside for it to be over. Audrey accidentally loses her tourniquet and calls the wedding off. Aaron buys a silk smoking jacket and some clove cigarettes for his date with Mrs. Logan. Chloe and Bill Buchanan go to a Denny's. Secretary Heller runs off to Congress to start debate on how satanic a president has to be before we actually send him packing. Meanwhile, Curtis Manning's inherent goodness causes Satan to melt into a puddle of smelly lard.

24: Day Five, 11pm-12am Jack Bauer Gets a Bank Manager Killed After Assuring Him He Would Be Okay (#17)

2006-04-14T00:29:00.000-05:00

Can I say that Monday’s episode KICKED BOO-TAY! It’s sad to think of the season coming to an end, isn’t it? Only seven episodes left for Jack to give President Logan a BRAND-NEW ORIFICE!

My observations, fellow Jackophiles.

1. The cheap motel industry was given a shot in the arm, thanks to this episode. Poor Evelyn, shot in the leg with nowhere nice to go.
Jack: Put her on the bed. NOW! I DON’T HAVE TIME TO EXPLAIN!!
Wayne Palmer: Geez, Jack, what’s to explain? It’s just a bed.
Jack: I’VE GOT ISSUES FROM MY CHILDHOOD!
Evelyn: Will I be paralyzed?
Jack: NO! You will NOT be paralyzed! DAMMIT! I wish I had shot you! We wouldn’t be here right now!
Evelyn’s daughter (unnamed, so let’s call her STUPID FOR CALLING 9-1-1!): You know, just because you SAY my mom’s okay doesn’t mean she’s actually okay! You have a messiah complex.
Wayne Palmer: Lil’ girl. How do you even know what a messiah complex is? You’re eight.
Stupid For Calling 9-1-1: HELLO! There’s the thing called the INTERNET! Geez.
Evelyn: Uhh, back to me, guys. My leg is burning like fire. Like a disco inferno. It feels like the funk is flamin’ outta control.
Jack: That means THE INFECTION IS SPREADING! We need help. STAT!
Wayne Palmer: Why, on God’s green earth, do you have to scream everything? Hey, look. This is one of those vibrator beds. I’ve got quarters, too! (sound of coins falling like in a vending machine. Bed starts vibrating violently)
Stupid for Calling 9-1-1: I’m getting scared. MOMMY!
Wayne Palmer: Hey, lil’ girl, you sound like you’re talking through a fan. Let me try it. Lalalalalalala! Wheeeeeeeeee! Luke, I’m your fawthuh! Oh, we gonna rock down to Electric Avenue. And then we’ll take it higher! Watch this: I can do “The Robot.” This Super 8 ROCKS!
Jack: Listen, Evelyn and Stupid for Calling 9-1-1, Wayne and I have to go. It’s not safe to take you to a public hospital. If only we were in a small town where the only doctor is also mayor, basketball coach, veterinarian, and village harlot. But, alas, we aren’t, so we’re SCREWED. Don’t do anything ‘til we get back. Everything’s gonna be okay.
Stupid for Calling 9-1-1: Okay, my a$$!

2. Speaking of Stupid for Calling 9-1-1: did she not LISTEN when they taught her about 9-1-1 in school?! She apparently was playing paper/scissors/rock or text-messaging her grandma when she missed the part about how 9-1-1 is for all emergencies EXCEPT when you’re trapped at the Motel 6 and the recently assassinated president’s brother is there bouncing around on the vibrating bed and some control freak of a secret agent is using Kleenex and a travel-size mouthwash to sterilize your mom’s gaping leg wound.

3. I have to wonder if Our Man Jack can really be trusted with anything more than, say, a bowl of cereal or a bag of lawn clippings. Anything living or breathing associated with him ends up shattered, either physically or emotionally. And at BCC (Body Count Central), the Doomed Minor Character this week was, according to the official ep guide, known merely as “Bank Manager.” Let’s give him a name. Let’s call him Kenny Wayne Covington: “Uhh, Mrs. Kenny Wayne Covington, you remember how President Palmer’s brother and I made you pee yourself by pointing guns at your head in your bedroom and kidnapping your husband, and then we suggested that your husband would be okay if he helped us get into his bank? Well, uhh, something sort of happened to Kenny Wayne. As we say in government circles, Kenny Wayne is now, uhh, ‘heart-beat challenged.’ Kenny Wayne is the ‘recent purchaser of a crop- and/or livestock-producing rural estate.’ In fact, Kenny Wayne is ‘thrusting in an upwardly manner several stems of the flora known as Bellis perennis.’ Basically, we killed him. Except not on purpose, and actually WE didn’t do it ourselves. The police did. Or the terrorists did. I think there were snipers there, too, and even a couple of duck hunters. Anyhoo, REST ASSURED, we did NOT do it. Had we shot Kenny Wayne, we—actually I should say ‘I’ since the president’s brother is a marine biologist, not a REAL marine—I would have shot him in the leg above the kneecap so he wouldn’t be dead or even paralyzed, though he would undergo months of painful physical rehabilitation. Uhh, Mrs. Covington, please don’t cry…or sue…or tell my girlfriend.”

4. Was it just me or was anyone else really grossed out by the presidential makeout session? Yes, we love the First Lady, Martha EMMY! Logan, but c’mon, it was like watching Don Knotts and Barbara Mandrell get it on. EWE! And the SOUND! It sounded like someone slapping hamburger patties together or squishing one of those tubes of squeeze mayonnaise. Oops. I think I just made myself vurp*. Please, no more of that. By the way, now that EMMY! Logan hasn’t “chased the dragon” or “smacked doobie” or “gone ice-fishing” whatever the Goths are calling illegal drug use these days, her head is clear enough to keep her on her toes. She’s not taking everything at face value, which is a good thing.
* Vurp: a burp that almost comes up, but not quite.

5. Barney Fife is SO despicable at this point that I’m afraid his downfall, whatever that may be, will not satisfy my bloodlust. He killed our beloved President Palmer (forcing him to sell insurance), allowed his own drug-addled wife to ride in the Limousine of Doom, and shattered Michelle and Tony’s Taco Bell dreams. All that crap about “new evidence.” Grrrrrrrrrr. Oh yeah, don’t forget his ITTY BITTY TINY SHRIVELLED UP MICROSCOPIC TESTICLES OF SHAME AND DERISION! And then there’s Henderson! What tragic demise awaits these two vile troglodytes? I can’t wait, yet I fear being disappointed. Maybe I should just get a life.

6. How’d you like to be the poor guy who got stuck with Audrey’s tracking device?
Nameless Agent: Sir, according to your license, you’re not Audrey Raines.
White Truck Guy: No, I’m Clyde Bevin. I remove roadkill and all those single sneakers you see. One time I found a small futon.

7. It’s good to see the ol’ badger, William Devane, back in the role of Secretary Heller. He’s got a real surly feel to him. I imagine him eating paper clips and sandpaper for breakfast before he nonchalantly TAKES DOWN THE PRESIDENT! Was it me or did he say at the end of his phone call with Audrey: “Honey, call your brother. He’s still upset over being seduced by that guy and nearly getting us all killed. Plus, he lost his gig on The O.C. He needs you.”

8. God bless Chloe O’Brien. When Miles confronted her outside the “powder room,” why didn’t she just say, “Miles. I WAS POOPIN’! You know, I haven’t POOPED since I took Jack and Derek, the daughter Jack Never Had, to Wayne Palmer’s penthouse. That was 15 HOURS AGO. MILES, HAVEN’T YOU HEARD? YOU EAT…AND THEN YOU POOP! GIRLS DO IT, TOO! GET OVER IT!”

9. And God bless Aaron Pierce. I hope and pray he comes out of this alive. Wouldn’t it be great if he gets to choose President Logan’s punishment? I imagine Aaron giggling uncontrollably as he and Mrs. Martha Logan Pierce, slightly tipsy on mint juleps and Honduran cigars, sit on the White House portico, firing red, white, and blue paintballs at a naked President Logan streaking in zigzag fashion across the White House lawn, like a metal duck in a state fair shooting booth: “Oh, Aaron, you have such broad shoulders. Oh my, that one looked like it stung! Evelyn, dear, I know your leg still hurts, but hop up and get that tequila out of the credenza.”

Next week: It turns out that the Shake-a-Bed was vibrating Evelyn so violently that Henderson couldn’t get a good shot in edgewise. He runs out of bullets and is incapacitated when Stupid for Calling 9-1-1 temporarily blinds him with a move she learned on The Matrix: Reloaded. Chloe gets on the intercom and announces: “Hello? Just wanted to let everyone know I’M CONSTIPATED! I MAY BE IN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES AT LEAST!” Audrey and Jack try to decide on a honeymoon destination: Kabul? Fallujah? Niagara Falls? Satan prepares a room for President Logan.

Last 12 Songs Added to Tyberspace's iPod

2006-04-09T21:53:00.000-05:00

It's time to get crunk, get buck. I have no idea what that means, but do it anyway.

1. Hot Child in the City/Nick Gilder
2. Steady, As She Goes/The Raconteurs
3. Crazy in Love/Beyoncé
4. Get Right/J.Lo with Fabolous
5. Hey Mama/The Black-Eyed Peas
6. Baile, Baile, Baile/Marc Ribot
7. In Dreams/Roy Orbison
8. Galvanize/The Chemical Brothers
9. Cubicle/Rinôçérôse
10. Stoned, Pt. 1/Lewis Taylor
11. Dark Side of Love/Danny Tate
12. Gideon/My Morning Jacket

24: Day Five, 9-11pm Jack Bauer Gets Another Woman Shot in the Leg (#15, 16)

2006-04-03T18:38:00.000-05:00

OH MY GOSH!

Two killer episodes. Because of technical difficulties, I was unable to create of list of observations about episode 15 (9-10 p.m.), Today’s list of observations, then, will be based on the last two eps, not the usual one. We could also refer to this entry “Violent Thoughts with Jack ‘Handy with a Gun’ Bauer”:

Barney Fife (President Logan) IS INDEED THE BAD GUY!!!!!! MAY THE ROTTEN LITTLE PENCIL-NECKED, SMALL SCROTUMMED ONE DIE A HORRIBLE DEATH AT THE HANDS OF THE IMMORTAL JACK, HE WHO CANNOT PERISH.

1. Gimme a G! Gimme an R! Gimme an A! Gimme a P! Gimme an H! Gimme an I! Gimme a C! Gimme a space before the next word! Gimme a V! Gimme another I! Gimme an O! Gimme an L! Gimme an E! Gimme an N! Gimme another C! Gimme a breath, and then gimme another E! WHAT’S THAT SPELL? G-R-A-P-H-I-C V-I-O-L-E-N-C-E! YaaaaaayyyyyYYY! The Tyberspace family loves the "Graphic Violence" warning since it obviously means some bad person will get what was coming to him or her. At our house, we’ve taught our cat Chessie to do “the graphic violence wave” when the viewer discretion warning comes on. She gets it right about 3% of the time.

2. If you’re ever lucky enough to work with a man who has managed to survive a) a horrific explosion at a natural gas plant; b) an explosion INSIDE an underground bunker; c) a gunshot wound to the face at close range; d) a heroin addiction and a Mexican drug lord’s girlfriend AT THE SAME TIME; e) numerous Tazerings; f) rabies; g) scabies; h) Sherry Palmer; i) the most vapid daughter EVER; j) general unrest; k) acne in his late 20s; l) a father who remade “Invasion of the Body Snatchers”; and m) a massive heart attack while climbing a ladder running after evil people, then update your resume and RUN LIKE HELL! Maybe God’s trying to tell you something. Did anyone notice the frightened “Omigod, he’s immortal!” look on Curtis’ face when Jack emerged unscathed from the plant explosion, carrying Bierko over his shoulder like a bag of cedar chips at PetSmart? They were playing Phoenix-rising-from-the-ashes music, for cryin’ out loud! “Here’s your bad guy, Curtis. Book ‘im!” I keep waiting for Jack to yell “Shazam” and the cartoon mentors come down to plan the next crime-fighting trip in the RV.

3. If you are a woman with a scrawny neck who got her job with the Dept. of Defense through a bad case of nepotism, who happens to fall in love with a coworker who, later on, tortures your current yet estranged somewhat gayish meerkat-looking British husband (not killing him, but electrocuting his pecs with a hotwired electric razor connected to a hotel ice bucket but then leaving him to die on a government agency operating table) and then 18 months later pins you to the wall by the neck like a certain bird eaten mainly at Thanksgiving and sometimes at Easter if the Kroger's out of ham, then RUN LIKE HELL! Consider planning for some not-so-good days during your bound-to-be-volatile marriage, one of which will certainly include a very uncomfortable Sunday afternoon dinner with said coworker, his accident-prone, cougar-attracting daughter and her psychologist/80s movie star boyfriend.

4. Of course, Audrey Raines continues to have that “I’m gonna MARRY that man” glaze over her eyes. I can hear her now at the reception: “Glad you made it! Thanks for toaster #3! Over there, right behind the mixed nuts and the sausage balls is where the ritualistic, execution-style slaying of Jack’s worst enemy is about to start. Hurry! Get a good seat! Sherbet punch, anyone?”

5. Speaking of nutz and balls, I can’t wait to see He Who Has Microscopic Dangling Peas Between His Legs (I think this is President Logan’s Native American name, bestowed upon him at a casino pot luck in New Mexico last July) get what’s coming to him. What’s the government protocol for a fist to the breastbone?

6. If you notice brown spittle on your chin, then don’t run like hell. It’s too late. Lie down like a hobbit; it’ll be over soon.

7. What request can Chloe NOT fulfill?! Can the woman fail once in while?! Okay, Spenser was a slight error in judgment, but other than that . . . C’MON!
“Chloe, I need an infrared scan of my spleen!” “Got it, Jack!”
“Chloe, I need a Doppler satellite read on Bierko’s NetZero bill!” “Got it, Jack!”
“Chloe, I need a double-shot, caramel low-fat latte, hold the cream!” “Got it, Jack!”
“Chloe, I need someone to run the guestbook at my wedding!” “Got it, Audrey! Geez!”
“Chloe, I need a live feed of Cher singing ‘Believe’ up-linked to my PDA!” “Got it, Jack!”
“Chloe, I need a pedicure! NOW! JUST FIGURE IT OUT!” “Got it, Jack!”
“Chloe, I need a box of government cheese, five cans of lite Vienna sausages, a six-pack of Diet Rite Peach, a roll of double-stick tape, and a large female chinchilla delivered to my parents in Encino. That’s Eddie and Betty Bauer.” “Wait, I thought your dad’s name was Ernie.” “CHLOE, WE DON’T HAVE TIME FOR QUESTIONS! Ernie’s his middle name, and yes, he started the clothing store in 1968 when I was three. MY MOM SENDS HER CONDOLENCES ABOUT EDGAR. SHE THOUGHT YOU TWO MADE A GREAT COUPLE!” “But we weren’t . . . Got it, Jack!”

8. If a white UPS-lookin’ truck pulls up into your driveway, and out pours several rebels from an unnamed Russian satellite country, RUN LIKE HELL! They’re not delivering that angora sweater you ordered off e-bay.

9. If you work at a power plant and several rebels from an unnamed Russian satellite country suddenly appear and ask you to lower the pressure so they can spread Sentox nerve gas throughout the city, don’t run like hell! Make up a lame excuse like “Garlic upsets my stomach,” go to the bathroom, and then RUN LIKE HELL!

10. If Jack falls in love with your momma, get used to rejection.

11. Aaron Pierce once again SAVES THE DAY! He just needs to bite the bullet and start wearing a leotard and a cape. “President Pierce” has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?

12. Wayne Palmer misspoke. He was a marine BIOLOGIST, not a marine IN THE MILITARY! He almost blew chow when he had to kill that guy.

13. What about weird Sexual Harassment Chick? Something’s up her sleeve . . . probably a 5-page handwritten complaint about the lascivious, leering, up-and-down, lip-licking way Agent Bauer looks at her when he’s rushing by, saving people.

14. As with life, Homeland Security is evil.

15. Jack seems to know a lot about bullet wounds to the leg, doesn’t he? “Evelyn, the bullet went in through your calf, routed up the line of the femur, skipped over the humerus and chipped your ulna, glanced off the tibia, zipped by your uvula, and exited out the patella. You’ll be fine and won’t be paralyzed. Woulda been better if you’d been shot in the leg above the kneecap, but you weren’t shot by me, so that’s that. It does need attention.” I can hear Betty Bauer now: “At Quantico, Jack made his only B in Advanced Leg-Shooting. We’re SO proud!”

16. Was it me or is Audrey growing some major backbone? STRONG WOMEN ROCK! I’m sure, however, somewhere lurking in Audrey’s head is the same mantra as always: “Hair up? Hair down? Hair up? Hair down? Hair up? Hair down? Hair up?”

Next week: Jack stops by the bank and asks for the free checking deal he saw on TV. Things go awry when he discovers the bank has upped the bounced-check fee from $15 to $25. He shoots the elderly teller in the leg above the kneecap so she won’t be paralyzed and barricades himself behind a pyramid of those tall gold sand-filled ashtrays you see in doctors’ offices and banks, but not before Chloe orders Ren & Stimpy checks.

24: Day Five, 8-9pm Jack Bauer Thinks He Might Have to Kill, or at Least Torture His Skinny-Necked Girlfriend (#14)

2006-03-22T18:21:00.000-06:00

O MY GOSH! I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE! Truly an edge-of-the-seat episode.

To my fellow “Lost” fans: So THAT’S what Desmond was doing on the other side of the island! HE WAS KNOCKIN’ BOOTS WITH LEGGY DOUBLE AGENTS FOR THE GERMANS! Who knew?! AUDREY RAINES, OF ALL PEOPLE?!!!!! They killed off the hobbit FOR THIS?! What a shocker! Now, either this is the biggest bombshell since George Michael visited the men’s room, or the baddies are trying to get to Jack by making him THINK she’s a mole. I have to admit that I CANNOT WAIT to see Jack pin her scrawny neck to the wall in next week’s episode. She’s gonna be pinned up there like a chicken at pluckin’ time. I mean, her time was up, don’t you think? Last season, her husband the gay British meerkat got his boobies electrocuted...NOW IT’S HER TURN! YAY! I have to admit I’ve had some empathy for her this season, but if she is indeed the mole, IT WILL NOT BE PRETTY.

Some observations:

1. WHY CAN’T JACK DATE A NORMAL GIRL?! I bet he’s thinking “I shoulda stuck with that corn-fed mother of Derek, the daughter I never had.” By the way, does Jack have parents? I guess not. I’d love to see him drop by his mother’s ranch-style bungalow:
Jack: “Mom! I’m just dropping by to make a quick sandwich.”
Mrs. Bauer: “Now, honey, can’t you stay for dinner? A sandwich isn’t enough. How’s Kim? She dating her shrink? I miss Chase, he was such a nice handicapped boy. How’s Audrey? Did she ever get her hair fixed? And Tony and Michelle? I’ve always loved Taco Bell. And what about that mousy-haired hacker girl? Zoe? Chloe? Not very personable, if you ask me. I always thought that large boy Edgar would be good for her, you know, put her in her place now and then. He’s portly, I know, but then again, your dad Ernie was portly when I first met him at the shooting range. Now, Jackie, sit down. I’ve got a roast in the crockpot.”
Jack: “Don’t have time, Mom. And no one calls me ‘Jackie,’ not even Audrey, Terry, Nina, that fresh-faced Iowan Girl, OR that Mexican girl I dated when I was hopped on heroin for a year in that undercover drug cartel. Where’s the Miracle Whip?”
Mrs. Bauer (sigh): “I just want you to be happy, sweetie, you know, meet a nice girl not from the West Coast or the East Coast, but from, oh, Nebraska, settle down, buy a farm, give Ernie and me another grandchild (preferably a boy who eventually dates GIRLS with all their limbs)
Jack: “Uhh, Mom, the Miracle Whip?”
Mrs. Bauer: “Oh, shoot, dear, we ran out just last night. Ernie and his midnight snacks! A minute on the lips; a lifetime on the hips, I always say. . .”
Jack: “DAMMIT, MOM! I’M JACK BAUER! YOU TELL ME WHERE THE MIRACLE WHIP IS, OR I’LL SHOOT YOU IN THE LEG ABOVE THE KNEE CAP SO YOU WON’T BE PERMANENTLY DISABLED!”
Mrs. Bauer (arms akimbo): “Well, I’ll be! Mr. Grumpy came to visit today, didn’t he? Mr. Grumpy gets no vittles in THIS house until he turns that frown into a smile! One...two..."
(Jack shoots his mom in the leg above the kneecap so she won’t be permanently disabled.) “Omigoodness! That hurts like hell!”
Jack: “Sorry, Mom. You won’t be permanently disabled, but you will have several months of painful rehabilitation. I’ve gotta go. Bierko must be stopped!” (Jack runs out, half-eaten bologna sandwich and juice box in hand).
Mrs. Bauer: “Ouchie wah wah, that stings like a mofo! ERNIE! YOO HOO! Jack, you bring your little friend Bierko by later. We’ll watch Lawrence Welk and play some Scrabble. ERNIE! JACKIE SHOT MOMMA AGAIN!”

2. Wayne Palmer is running for his life. I only wish he’d been driving a Focus or a Geo Metro. But NO, he had to be driving a sweet Mercedes. Hate to see a car like that tumble down an embankment near a convenient escape tunnel. Oh, did I mention Wayne is running for his life? Will he be the next stat in the huge body-count this season? We shall see!

3. To be hated: the Homeland Security morons. The way that butthead Miles took over the now-dead Edgar’s desk like he was on sick leave or something. Grrrrrr. Didn’t you love the fact that all it took was some McDonald’s coffee spilled on someone’s crotch for national security to be threatened? Gotta love Chloe! Not sure what a “wet list” is, but I’m assuming that Tony, Edgar, Michelle, and furry-footed Wilibald Overhill of Nobottle are now on the “dry list.”

4. Once again, Jack talks on the magic CTU phones, you know, the ones THAT ARE NEVER ON “VIBRATE”!!!! A very smooth move for Jack to give the German double agent a self-destructing memory chip, a la the style of the old “Mission: Impossible” TV series. Does Jack just happen to carry those on his person? I guess if he can make a bomb out of a bobby pin, corn meal, and a chicken feather, he can carry self-destructing memory chips in the pocket of his black secret-agent cargo pants.

5. Speaking of black secret agents, Curtis Manning once again made it out alive. He is solidly one of my favorite not-Jack characters. Surely Curtis HAS to be worried that hanging around with Jack is not good for one’s health. Notice how he very gradually moves out of collateral damage range every time he’s around Jack. Poor Jack. No women. No friends. No daughter or son who even looks like a daughter, to speak of. It’s just him and his magic cell phone.

6. I think Aaron Pierce ROCKS! Soon, he’ll be able to take EMMY! Logan in his arms, give her a big sloppy kiss on the lips, and then go out and mow his yard in his Bermuda shorts, sandals, and dark socks:
(doorbell rings) EMMY! Logan Pierce: I’ll get it. (opens door)
Former President Logan: Your mail, ma’am. Oh, hi, Marti.
EMMY! Logan Pierce: Charles. How are your tiny testicles?
Former President Logan (gulps geekily, gets red in face): Now, Marti, that hurts!
EMMY! Logan Pierce: Oh yeah?! So did your letting Aaron and I ride along in Boris and Natasha’s doomed motorcade.
Former President Logan: But...but...
EMMY! Logan Pierce: Speaking of butts, get yours off my hydrangeas. And take your miniscule scrotum with it.
Former President Logan: Is that Aaron out there mowing around that statue of David?
EMMY! Logan Pierce: Yes, it is. (sigh) You know, his cajones are HUGE! Almost as big as mine.
Former President Logan: But, Marti, can’t we talk?
EMMY! Logan Pierce: Buh-bye, numbnutz, you’ve got Fingerhut catalogs to deliver.

7. And where is Henderson, pray tell? Visiting Shot-in-Leg in the hospital? Probably not. No, I’m sure he’s buying women’s clothes at Cato, wigs at the Zsa-Zsa Emporium, and makeup at Sephora. Soon, he’ll be sneaking across the border to Tijuana where he will fade into the woodwork for a few years and re-emerge as . . . JACK’S NEW GIRLFRIEND! Talk about an awkward Thanksgiving.

Next week: It’s Audrey-pluckin’ time! By the end of the episode, Audrey has no eyebrows to speak of, which means . . . THE WEDDING’S OFF!

24: Day Five, 7-8pm Jack Bauer Kills a Hobbit (#13)

2006-03-15T20:12:00.000-06:00

FINALLY! Well, here it is, almost two days late. Dang it, I actually had to WORK yesterday AND today! I HATE it when that happens. One reason it took so long to write this was that I had to recover from post-traumatic stress syndrome after seeing our beloved HeadWound Tony stabbed in the chest, a la Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction. All those Taco Bell dreams...gone in an instant. Right now Tony and Michelle are selling tacos in heaven. Here's the first thing Tony saw when he walked through the pearly gates:

Edgar's there, dribbling white cheese sauce over his 15 tacos, with his Baked Alaska momma wondering how in the HEAVEN Sherry Palmer got past the front door.

And what did I predict? Wilibald Sandybanks, the Hobbit Voted Most Wanted Dead did indeed sacrifice himself after compromsing CTU security. Now he's in heaven, too...beating the ever-loving CRAP outta his sister. By the way, if you thought Marmadas Hamwich of Buckleberry Fern, our fat little incompetent hobbit, had secrets here on earth...well, in heaven HIS SECRET IS NO MORE! Freedom, Chubblefat, FREEDOM!

May Edgar and the Very Dead Hobbit, Fosco Bumbleroot of Fair Downs, rest in peace.

Some observations:

1. Apparently, the "24" producers have no qualms about randomly picking off whomever they please. Soon, the only people left at CTU will be Jack and Kevin the Janitor, whom Jack will promptly shoot in the leg above the kneecap for not cleaning up the brown-spittle spill in aisle 5. Gee whiz! I have to say I felt bad for badmouthing Wheewilly Berilac Burrows of Tuckborough all this time as he raced through the halls singing "Over the hills and through the hall, through fatal clouds of nerve gas we go!" It was a good death scene. I'm thinking they used a Starbucks nonfat double latte for all the brown-spittle shots.

2. For me, Jack's words of sympathy ring a little hollow: "Uhh, Berilac Hardbottle the Portly Hobbit, you're the only one who can save us...and you're gonna die in the process." You KNOW everyone was thinking "This, from the man who could put on a peanut suit, stand in a herd of hungry elephants, and STILL MAKE IT OUT ALIVE!" See Jack survive:

3. And good grief, poor Expendable Guard in Red Shirt #3 had to, of all things, CALL HIS YOUNG DAUGHTER. What manipulative scripting!
Daughter: Daddy, when you come home from your very dangerous job, will you bring me a BB gun?
Guard #3: No, little Shenandoah, honey, Daddy's gonna be a while.
Shenandoah: Please come home, Daddy. Mommy's watching QVC with the credit card out. How long, Daddy?
Guard #3: Oh, slightly longer than it will take my little Shenandoah to grow up, learn to kiss boys (or girls if you're anything like your Aunt Pat), learn to drive a truck, sell puppies by the K-Mart, get married, have the grandchildren I'll never know, and die an early death due to too much coffee and sausage.
Shenandoah: Daddy, YOU'RE SCARING ME!
Guard #3: You think YOU'RE scared?! You oughta be trapped in a room with a former hobbit, waiting to go all brown-spittle on myself! THEN we'll decide who's SCARED!

He DOES look scared, doesn't he?!
4. Barney Fife cried. He actually cried. Favorite line of the night:
Barney: (sniffle) Marti, I thought I had lost you. (sob)
She-Ra, Queen of the Jungle (what she said): You didn't lose me.
She-Ra, Queen of the Jungle (what she thought): Geez, SOMEONE in the family's gotta have some ballz! Good lord, aren't Aaron's shoulders broad? (sigh)

You know, Aaron and Mrs. Logan would make a great team, I think. By the way, here's Mrs. Logan's calling card:
5. Of course, we all knew Henderson the RoboCop was FAKIN' it, that ba$tard. I'm sure he's off to visit Ms. Poltergeist in the hospital recovering from her harmless bullet wound to the leg above the kneecap:
After a very long period of rehabilitation, she'll be able to walk again...like a three-legged cat hopped up on dope:
Hopefully she learned her lesson and won't invite Jack over for Scrabble ever again.

6. Gotta love Chloe. One would not call her diplomatic: "I once was in shock, but now I'm back to my sarcastic self, three minutes later. YO, SHRINK! You gonna hand out some free HUGS now?! At least I didn't have to psychoanalyze Spencer into embracing his inner child before 'gettin' some,' if you know what I mean. All it took was some nachos and a box of wine. And Kimberley Bauer, of all people?! She's a TODDLER compared to you, ya big PERV. And that goatee is SO early 90s. What next, a soul patch and a mullet?" Here is Kimberley's recent Olan Mills photo taken with her shrink/boyfriend Barry. By the way, the kid in the shot is related to no one but belongs to Chase, Kimberley's ex-boyfriend and formerly Jack's coworker until Jack had to cut off his hand to save his life. It's a long story.

Next week, Jack gets all Masada on the bad guys by killing everyone before the terrorists get a chance to—Bill Buchanan, Chloe, Kimberley the daughter he never had, Dr. Perv, Audrey, President Logan, Vice President Gardner, Vice President Gardner's ego, the Russian premier Olav and his wife Svetlana, Mike Novick, that unnamed doctor downstairs, Mrs. Henderson One-Leg, the cougar from season 2, Bahroos, Derek the daughter he never had, Expendable Guard in Red Shirt #4, the nice Muslim gunshop owners from last season, Matt Dillon's brother, Bierko the British Terrorist, AND Kevin the Janitor. After the bloodbath, Jack finally gets to sit down, fix him, Aaron Pierce, Mrs. Martha Logan Pierce, and Curtis Manning a coupla sandwiches, and TAKE A LEAK, FOR GOD'S SAKE!

24: Day Five, 5-7pm Jack Bauer Shoots the Mom from "Poltergeist" in the Leg Above the Kneecap (#11, 12)

2006-03-06T20:37:00.000-06:00

OH MY GOSH! I CANNOT BELIEVE IT! HOW COULD THEY DO THAT?! HOW COULD THEY MAKE CHLOE DO "UGLY CRY" ON TV?!

Oh, yeah, they killed Edgar, too.

I can't speak...but I can type.

We were waiting for a Demi Moore/Patrick Swayze Ghost moment where Chloe and Edgar, backed by "Unchained Melody" piped in over the CTU intercom. Wait a minute, they played "Unchained Melody" over Jack and Curtis's man-hug in the Escalade. Replace "Unchained Melody" with "King of the Road." Anyhoo, Chloe and Edgar touch hands through the bullet-proof, hermetically sealed glass while Chloe silently mouths "Edgar, my glistening, often irritating lisping chunk of sweet hamhock" as he goes all brown-spittle chin on us. (thanks to my fellow Jackophile, Julie, for the Ghost reference!)

Our pudgy little friend has gone to meet his toasty mom in heaven. You know, she doesn't look at all like him:

My wife and I sat there, jaws dropped to the floor. We couldn't believe it. What an awesome two hours of television! Especially the last five minutes. Unbelievable!

The evening was so eventful, it took me a Pabst Blue Ribbon, a bucket of chicken wings, and an Apple-Pie-in-a-Box to gather my thoughts. Some observations:

1. Favorite line of the night from EMMY! Logan: "You can convey whatever you want to the president, Mike. May I suggest this large hot poker up his cowardly a$$, or how 'bout we convey this large pair of scissors onto his miniscule little gonads?! Or how 'bout we slap him naked and convey his clothes to the poor? How's that sound? Buh-bye."

2. Dingleberry Humperflinch the Hobbit lost the one person who meant something to him, his elven sister Susquehanna Eldriel. She basically went "over the sea," if you know what I mean. What a way to go. She's now embracing her elven sisters Sandy Duncan and Jenna Elfman. Oh wait, they're not dead. Never mind. Here's what she saw when she got there. Not so elven:

How much you wanna bet Minto Boggy-Hillocks, tormented by utter remorse for getting all those CTU folks gassed, sacrifices himself in next week's episode? The teaser indicated someone bites it. It should be him, the fat little poop.

3. I'm very concerned about Curtis. NO ONE BETTER MESS WITH CURTIS! He found the poison gas and put it in a plastic dumpster! He fought off Jack's advances during that Brokenose Mountain moment and maintained his masculinity! He beat up bad guys last season! He faced down Fastolph Sackville-Baggins the Rotund Hobbit AND WON! For these things he deserves a medal, or at least a day off. What a hero!

4. I thought the Kimberley/Jack "I was dead, but now I'm not" moment was handled quite well.
Jack: "Okay, remember when you thought I went down with that plane, but it was really George Mason, and you sat in the car and cried?"

Kimberley: "Yes. I buried you, Dad...wearing that red nose and those clown shoes you wore at my 6th birthday party. Do you remember when you shot my friend Billy for giving me a realistic-looking squirt gun?"
Jack: "That punk? HE DESERVED IT! I shot him ABOVE the kneecap!!!"
Kimberley: "He was 7. Anyway, I BURIED YOU...AND I HATE YOU!"
Jack: "Well, that wasn't me. That was a homeless guy named Jerry."
Kimberley: "I THOUGHT you looked weird, but with the red nose and big shoes, I couldn't really tell. That explains it! I HATE YOU!"
Jack: "Okay, but this was just like that plane crash time. I wasn't really dead. Pretend like I was on vacation with Aunt Nina."
Kimberley: "Aunt Nina killed Mom. I HATE YOU!"
Jack: "Okay, then. Aunt Audrey. How's that?"

5. Will love blossom between Martha Logan and Aaron? Hey, I figure if Bill Clinton can knock boots with an intern, the First Lady oughta be able to "supplement her income" (wink, wink) with her Secret Service guy, darn it. "Love is in the air, in the whisper of the trees..." Maybe next ep, they sneak out to Red Lobster. Don't they look good together?

6. I can't figure Mike Novick out. If I could just seen inside his head to discover what makes him tick... Hmm. Could be his tungsten filament.

Can he be trusted? We shall see. He definitely has his concerned Light Bulb look full on, doesn't he? He seems quite the schemer, yet he wants to protect the nation from the evil Vice President Hal Gardner.

Tangent 6B. Hmm. We have a bumbling goofball for a President and a heartless trigger-happy bully for a Vice President. I don't think that volatile combination has EVER sat in the White House, DO YOU?! That Veep has martial law on the brain. SOMEONE BETTER HIDE THE BB GUNS!

What you and I see when we gaze out into the vast sea of humanity:

What the Vice President sees:

Okay, back to the show:

7. Can you BELIEVE Jack shot the mom from Poltergeist in the leg above the kneecap?! Hasn't she had enough? First, ghosts in the TV, squeaky-voiced ghost-busters in the living room, and now, shot in the leg above the kneecap. How thoughtful of Jack to shoot her in the leg above the kneecap and then to explain to her cold-hearted ba$tard of a husband that yes, he shot her in the leg above the kneecap so she could walk again (after months and months of rehab). That's gonna RUIN Thanksgiving, you can guarantee it! By the way, just think: if only Dick Cheney had shot that old lawyer in the leg above the kneecap, then the pellet wouldn't have drifted around and lodged in the guy's heart causing him to flatline.

8. We're all salivating over Henderson's impending interrogation. Grab the popcorn and the kids for a lovely Monday evening of terrorist gassings and CEO torture!

9. As Julie has noted before, I think HeadWound Tony's head wound keeps switching sides. And, c'mon, Tony. What do you mean, "LOOK AT ME!"? It looks like a bad case of rug burn, that's all. You'll get over it. Now, the Michelle thing...that's different. If only you hadn't gone to that meeting with the Taco Bell execs. You'd still be in the living room in your droopy drawers, drinking PBR, and scratchin' your belly. The love of taco money and PBR is the root of all evil.

10. Bodo Bolger of Newbury, the Hobbit That Couldn't, is in VERY BAD TROUBLE! The authorities are gonna take away not only his badge, but also OuchMaker (his hobbitish sword) AND his glowing shot of tequila. God bless 'im; he don't look so good.

Next week:
As CTU's cream of the crop sit there helplessly trapped in the snazzy, yet hermetically sealed, glass cage (Buchanan's office), things go awry when Jack challenges Barry Landes (Kimberley's psychiatrist/boyfriend/former 80s star of Soul Man and The Outsiders) to a game of Scrabble. When Barry gets a triple word score with "undifferentiated schizophrenia with psychotic features, co-occurring bipolar disorder coupled with body dismorphic disorder," Jack shoots him in the leg above the kneecap.

24: Day Five, 4-5pm Jack Bauer Somehow Gets Under the Floor and Survives an Explosion While Aaron Kills Terrorists (#10)

2006-02-28T21:09:00.000-06:00

Greetings, fellow Jackheads! What a great eppy! I had to drink and smoke after last night's show!

Some observations:

1. HOBBIT ALMOST GOTTA GUN PULLED ON HIM AND CURTIS PUT HIM IN A HOLDING CELL! HOBBIT ALMOST GOTTA GUN PULLED ON HIM AND CURTIS PUT HIM IN A HOLDING CELL! Ol' Posco Brownlock of Overhill looks very concerned! I would be to if I had Curtis Manning on my bad side.

2. We might as well hand out Emmys at the door. As much as I HATE Mungo Deepdelver of Brockenborings, Sean Astin's acting deserves an Emmy. How can you not HATE McDillyweed Grumshines, that paranoid a$$!
Dimple Grubb of Little Delving: Curtis, you can't take a bathroom break at a time like this. YOU'RE FIRED!
Curtis: Watch me, you tiny little chubby furry putz of a man.
Ponto Gamgee Whitfurrows: Unnamed guard in a red shirt, arrest that man peeing on my shoe!
Unnamed Guard in a Red Shirt: Not going to do that, sir. If I poked you with a stick, would you giggle like the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
Drogo Bulge of Great Smials: YOU'RE FIRED!
Curtis: Take him away...to the Shire, Middle Earth.

Hmm. Middle Earth has changed a lot since I saw it last.

Togo Bramble of Willowbottom: You can't DO THAT! Everyone who EVER HAS served and who WILL serve in this office is FIRED!!! I will blow upon my secret horn to call upon my elven friend Legolas to rain flaming elven arrows upon you all!
Curtis: (sigh)
Drogo Brandybuck of Buckland: And that includes Lynn McDill. WHERE IS HE?! HE'S FIRED!!!!!!!
Curtis: Uhh, that's you, and you can't fire yourself. Gentlemen, take him away.

Was our household the only one doing a little victory dance around the coffee table when Curtis asserted his authority? We did cartwheels until I hit my heel on the TV table and fell on the cat. I loved the way the guards dragged Wilcomb Cotton of Overhill out by the hair of his furry little feet, his fingernails leaving marks on the linoleum, and him screamin' all the way: "Heads are gonna roll!!! This goes against protocol!!!! MOMMY! GANDALF!"

3. Please note the following comparison:

President Logan's

Martha Logan's

4. President Logan, the second most hated character on the show, is gradually imploding. It's almost a little hard to watch, but delightfully so. It's so not over. What a great conversation LightBulbHead and President NoNads seem to be having!

President Logan: You know, my father used to say--
Mike Novic: What? That to get anything done, you had to have some gonads and that sadly, you don't?
President Logan (tears welling up in his eyes): Uhh, no, Mike, he used to say--
Mike: What? That at your wedding, he hugged Martha and said, "At least someone in this family has ball$ bigger than my little toe?
President Logan: NO, Mike! Dad would say--
Mike: What? That he needed an electron microscope to find evidence that his son wasn't born a eunuch?
President Logan: No, if you'd just let me finish. My father used to put me on his knee and--
Mike: And what? Slap the silly crap out of you for having nutz the size of dust bunnies? That's sad, Mr. President. Here, since you don't have any testicles to speak of, take these KIWI FRUIT out of my sack lunch, stick them DOWN YOUR SHORTS, and LET'S SAVE THIS COUNTRY...

Oh yeah...WITHOUT SACRIFICING YOUR VERY OWN WIFE! Geez MAN, GET SOME 'NADS! Thank God the First Lady made it out alive. I'm salivating in anticipation for the scene where she confronts NoBallz Piece o' Poop. Can't wait!

5. Okay, you'd think that in the network of evil masterminds, a memo would go out that Jack is indestructible. Here's how we handle it at our house:
Jack gets Tasered so hard, his teeth crumble and his eyes merge into one, making him a Cyclops.
My wife: Oh, he's fine. He's Jack.
Jack gets blown to smithereens when he steps on a grenade.
Me: That bad guy's a big dork if he thinks Jack is dead.
Lo and behold, Jack, covered in heavy debris, emerges from a panel in the floor that's ON FIRE, mind you, basically unscathed. Then Jack falls in a pool of boiling acid and gets bitten in two by a titanium shark.
My wife: Oh, good grief, is that all you got, Jack?
Jack's torso swims so fast that it makes it out of the pool, retrieves its bottom half, finds a sewing kit and sews itself back together. Jack is fine in about ten minutes.

6. Sparks are flying between Chloe and Edgar. "Love is in the air, in the whisper of his cord jeans." The season opener next season will have Edgar emerging from Chloe's boudoir: "Hey, Chloe, yooz got any of that squeeze cheese to go with this cigar?"

7. Lest I forget, GOD BLESS SECRET SERVICEMAN AARON PIERCE! I love that man, and so does EMMY "I left my Zoloft in the armored Escalade again" Logan. The man is at least in his late 50s, and not only did he protect Natasha and Boris (the king and queen of Russia) AND the First Lady while wounded seriously in the earlobe, he did some over-the-shoulder, through-the-legs, run-jump-and-roll gunplay, killing several bad guys! He kicks butt! Here we see the Russian presidential limo right before the poop hit the fan and Aaron saved the day.

Next week: Kimberley, the smart daughter Jack never had, emerges from Cosmetology school to be reinstated at CTU as a makeover specialist to help boost morale.

Also next week, HeadWound Tony comes out of surgery and drools all over himself: "I am not an animal. I am a human being!" Gee whiz, he needs more bed rest!

24: Day Five, 3-4pm Jack Bauer Knocks a Coworker Unconscious While a Hobbit's Sister Takes Drugs (#9)

2006-02-21T13:30:00.000-06:00

Well, wasn't that a delightful episode? Barney Fife the President basically sets up the scenario where the First Lady, Martha EMMY! Logan, will probably get gassed alongside the Russians. That's gonna make for an awkward Thanksgiving. I hate it when holidays go awry!

Some observations. Not a long one this time,

1. I am hate, hate, HATING Funky Winkerbean Butterbottom, the most reviled hobbit in the land. Can't WAIT until the entire Shire figures out his passkey is the one his Dumbelina sister's rat-a$$ troll of a boyfriend will likely sell to the bad guys. By the way, thanks to fellow Jackhead Julie for making that prediction. Here we see McDill's sister Celebriän Cúthalion with some of her stoner friends. Too bad she's hiding the track marks under those lovely long sleeves.

Love watching McDill's downward spiral. Pretty soon, it's just gonna be him in CTU's main office with the janitor running all the computers while all the CTU agents are packed like sardines in every available holding cell. He's really beginning to lose it.
Pudgydork the Witless: "Hey Kelvin . . . "
Janitor: "It's Kevin."
Grunt the Brainless Wonder: "I'M IN CHARGE! I'M WRITING YOU UP FOR INSUBORDINATION! YOU'RE NAME FROM NOW ON WILL BE KELVIN!"
Ke(l)vin the Janitor: "You can't. I'm the janitor. We're contract labor. I work for Merry Maids."
Triplechin Brandylegs: "NEVER MIND! Get me the DOD protocol estimations for the greater L.A. disaster trajectory figures."
Ke(l)vin the Janitor: "You've GOT to be kidding."
Mungo Knotwise of Michel Delving: "What's going on? Who do you work for?! WHAT ARE YOU HIDING? What have you told Audrey Raines, now resting quietly in the basement lavatory, hands tied, mouth gagged? And how'd you get clearance?"
Ke(l)vin the Janitor: "My supervisor Fiona signed me in."
Orgulas Brockhouse of Loamsdown: "DAMMIT! I need Chloe!"
Ke(l)vin the Janitor: "Isn't that the chick you had arrested for rolling her eyes behind your back?"
Sancho Proudneck of Tuckborough: "Yes, that's the one. I had her shackled and thrown in the supply closet on the third floor. I'm going to have her questioned as soon as I can remember where I had Mike the Torture Guy put under house arrest."
Ke(l)vin the Janitor: "The supply closet on the third floor? Now THAT I can do. I'll go get her."
Pimple Brandybuck of Buckland: "Don't bother coming back! I'm putting you under arrest for...HAVING TOO MANY KEYS! DAMMIT!"
Ke(l)vin the Janitor: "Talk to my supervisor. Dude, you've got furry feet. What up wit dat?"

2. Poor Curtis. We all knew Jack was gonna have to do that to him. Don't we ALL have to violently render our coworkers unconscious from time to time? Curtis looks so peaceful.

When Jack said, "Curtis, don't fight it..." I was relieved that he didn't finish with "...this attraction we have for each other! Tony Almeda broke mah heart, but now ah've found YOU! Curtis, even though ah jest knocked yoo plumb out cold, AH CAIN'T QUIT YOO!"

We would've been forced to rename the show BrokeNose Mountain.

3. In a brilliant move, The World's Stupidest-A$$ Hobbit puts Buchanan in a holding cell. Buchanan is sitting there right now thinking, "I'm gonna take that fat, smug little putz and feed him, furry toe by furry toe, to a troupe of East L.A. drag queens. Or maybe I'll just call the Miracle Worker and Gomez Adams to come here and spank his spoiled child-actor a$$!!"

4. EMMY! Logan pulled a real shocker by getting in the Russian motorcade, didn't she?! The conversation must've gone something like: "Uhh, driver, I'd like to take Mr. and Mrs. Babushka to that time-honored American icon of cuisine, Jack in the Box...

...I love, love, LOVE their ciabiatta turkey and provolone sandwich. Ciabiatta! What a fun word! Let's say it together: CIABIATTA! OMIGOD, a lovely gentleman selling maps to the stars' homes! Uhh, hey, Gorby, can you spot me $4.95? Thanks. (unfolding map). Oh, look...Gavin McLeod's condo, HERE WE COME!

Driver, turn left...NOW. We don't wanna miss George Hamilton in his Speedo, do we?!

And then...Hasselhoff!"

Here's a shot of the Russian motorcade right before it heads out...TO CERTAIN DOOM!

5. Poor desperate little EMMY! Logan. She has such hope. Little does she know, Barney's gonna save his own butt before he sticks his neck out for anyone else. She's gonna be doing the BROWN SPITTLE ON MY CHIN dance before she can say "Hand me the Hennessy."

6. Julian Sands makes a GREAT villain. HE PUT ERWICH ON A STICK! ERWICH ON A STICK!

7. Repeat after me: "President Logan is a big moron with tiny gonads. President Logan is a big moron with tiny gonads." The more he speaks, flaps his lips, and rolls those bugged-out Barney Fife eyes, THE MORE I CAN'T STAND HIM!

Next week: On the way to certain death on the Sepulveda Expressway, First Lady EMMY! Logan stalls for time: "Uhh, driver! I COMMAND you to stop by the Burbank Beverage Barn! (to the Russian premier's wife) Pardon me, Svetlana, but Marty's gotta get her 'meds,' if you know what I mean (wink, wink). They've got Smirnoff there, cheap!"

Also next week: Kimberley Bauer inadvertently slices off the left ear of her current boyfriend Hajj when she persuades him to be her sit-down model for her cosmetology finals.