24: Day Five, 3-4pm Jack Bauer Knocks a Coworker Unconscious While a Hobbit's Sister Takes Drugs (#9)

Well, wasn't that a delightful episode? Barney Fife the President basically sets up the scenario where the First Lady, Martha EMMY! Logan, will probably get gassed alongside the Russians. That's gonna make for an awkward Thanksgiving. I hate it when holidays go awry!


Some observations. Not a long one this time,

1. I am hate, hate, HATING Funky Winkerbean Butterbottom, the most reviled hobbit in the land. Can't WAIT until the entire Shire figures out his passkey is the one his Dumbelina sister's rat-a$$ troll of a boyfriend will likely sell to the bad guys. By the way, thanks to fellow Jackhead Julie for making that prediction. Here we see McDill's sister Celebriän Cúthalion with some of her stoner friends. Too bad she's hiding the track marks under those lovely long sleeves.

Love watching McDill's downward spiral. Pretty soon, it's just gonna be him in CTU's main office with the janitor running all the computers while all the CTU agents are packed like sardines in every available holding cell. He's really beginning to lose it.
Pudgydork the Witless: "Hey Kelvin . . . "
Janitor: "It's Kevin."
Grunt the Brainless Wonder: "I'M IN CHARGE! I'M WRITING YOU UP FOR INSUBORDINATION! YOU'RE NAME FROM NOW ON WILL BE KELVIN!"
Ke(l)vin the Janitor: "You can't. I'm the janitor. We're contract labor. I work for Merry Maids."
Triplechin Brandylegs: "NEVER MIND! Get me the DOD protocol estimations for the greater L.A. disaster trajectory figures."
Ke(l)vin the Janitor: "You've GOT to be kidding."
Mungo Knotwise of Michel Delving: "What's going on? Who do you work for?! WHAT ARE YOU HIDING? What have you told Audrey Raines, now resting quietly in the basement lavatory, hands tied, mouth gagged? And how'd you get clearance?"
Ke(l)vin the Janitor: "My supervisor Fiona signed me in."
Orgulas Brockhouse of Loamsdown: "DAMMIT! I need Chloe!"
Ke(l)vin the Janitor: "Isn't that the chick you had arrested for rolling her eyes behind your back?"
Sancho Proudneck of Tuckborough: "Yes, that's the one. I had her shackled and thrown in the supply closet on the third floor. I'm going to have her questioned as soon as I can remember where I had Mike the Torture Guy put under house arrest."
Ke(l)vin the Janitor: "The supply closet on the third floor? Now THAT I can do. I'll go get her."
Pimple Brandybuck of Buckland: "Don't bother coming back! I'm putting you under arrest for...HAVING TOO MANY KEYS! DAMMIT!"
Ke(l)vin the Janitor: "Talk to my supervisor. Dude, you've got furry feet. What up wit dat?"


2. Poor Curtis. We all knew Jack was gonna have to do that to him. Don't we ALL have to violently render our coworkers unconscious from time to time? Curtis looks so peaceful.


When Jack said, "Curtis, don't fight it..." I was relieved that he didn't finish with "...this attraction we have for each other! Tony Almeda broke mah heart, but now ah've found YOU! Curtis, even though ah jest knocked yoo plumb out cold, AH CAIN'T QUIT YOO!"


We would've been forced to rename the show BrokeNose Mountain.


3. In a brilliant move, The World's Stupidest-A$$ Hobbit puts Buchanan in a holding cell. Buchanan is sitting there right now thinking, "I'm gonna take that fat, smug little putz and feed him, furry toe by furry toe, to a troupe of East L.A. drag queens. Or maybe I'll just call the Miracle Worker and Gomez Adams to come here and spank his spoiled child-actor a$$!!"



4. EMMY! Logan pulled a real shocker by getting in the Russian motorcade, didn't she?! The conversation must've gone something like: "Uhh, driver, I'd like to take Mr. and Mrs. Babushka to that time-honored American icon of cuisine, Jack in the Box...

...I love, love, LOVE their ciabiatta turkey and provolone sandwich. Ciabiatta! What a fun word! Let's say it together: CIABIATTA! OMIGOD, a lovely gentleman selling maps to the stars' homes! Uhh, hey, Gorby, can you spot me $4.95? Thanks. (unfolding map). Oh, look...Gavin McLeod's condo, HERE WE COME!

Driver, turn left...NOW. We don't wanna miss George Hamilton in his Speedo, do we?!

And then...Hasselhoff!"


Here's a shot of the Russian motorcade right before it heads out...TO CERTAIN DOOM!

5. Poor desperate little EMMY! Logan. She has such hope. Little does she know, Barney's gonna save his own butt before he sticks his neck out for anyone else. She's gonna be doing the BROWN SPITTLE ON MY CHIN dance before she can say "Hand me the Hennessy."


6. Julian Sands makes a GREAT villain. HE PUT ERWICH ON A STICK! ERWICH ON A STICK!

7. Repeat after me: "President Logan is a big moron with tiny gonads. President Logan is a big moron with tiny gonads." The more he speaks, flaps his lips, and rolls those bugged-out Barney Fife eyes, THE MORE I CAN'T STAND HIM!


Next week: On the way to certain death on the Sepulveda Expressway, First Lady EMMY! Logan stalls for time: "Uhh, driver! I COMMAND you to stop by the Burbank Beverage Barn! (to the Russian premier's wife) Pardon me, Svetlana, but Marty's gotta get her 'meds,' if you know what I mean (wink, wink). They've got Smirnoff there, cheap!"

Also next week: Kimberley Bauer inadvertently slices off the left ear of her current boyfriend Hajj when she persuades him to be her sit-down model for her cosmetology finals.