A compendium of observations about 24, the best friggin' drama on television! Along the way, I'll also post mindless ramblings about TV, music, advertising, and other useless what-not. Sorry, kids, not a recap site. Be warned: SPOILERS ABOUND HEREIN!
posted by Tyberspace @ 10:31 PM
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The observations continue!
In his mind, it was a type of triumph, I'm sure. Well, it was worth a DOUBLE UGH and a TRIPLE VURP!
That poor woman...
The First Lady's only solace was that the "incident," the "drive-by shagging," the "bumping uglies with Pig-Ba$tard-in-Chief" (whatever you wanna call it) probably lasted, oh, three minutes, tops?
7. Once again, Jack does a Broadway-style costume change and sneaks onto the president's helicopter, Marine 666. If it's so easy to sneak onto diplomatic flights and presidential helicopters, WHY AREN'T MORE PEOPLE DOING IT?! I mean, all it takes is one of these...
...and a nifty jumpsuit!
8. If sneaking onto Marine 666 weren't enough, Jack takes Beelzebub to an abandoned warehouse and handcuffs him to a pole and tries to force him to tell the truth. Okay, let's get a show of hands: how many of you wish this would happen to the REAL president?
Praise Jesus, what an overwhelming response! Alrighty, then...
9. I'm telling you, the scene where Jack confronts Lucifer was the second-most riveting of the night.
Jack: Mr. Flappy Jowls TinyBallz, I want you to confess to approving the murder of President David Palmer, and being culpable in the deaths of Tony Almeda, Michelle Dessler, Edgar the Chubby Computer Guy, and Olo Foxburr of Loamsdown, the Dead CTU Hobbit, and the attempted murder of Chloe O'Brien. And now I'm beginning to wonder about Jimmy Hoffa...
Beelzebub: But, Jack, I'm handcuffed to a pole like a common stripper, of which I've seen many. Jimmy who?
Jack: I DON'T CARE! I have nothing to lose. I WILL kill you. Jimmy HOFFA, you moron.
Lord of the Flies: But, see, I'm on camera, and I haven't brushed my teeth, heh, heh...C'mon, Jack...there's $75 in my wallet. Take it and we'll pretend this little confrontation never happened. There you go, go buy yourself a nice watch at Dillard's. Jimmy Hoffa? Still not making the connection...
Jack: TELL ME THE TRUTH, YOU BA$TARD! YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY!
So, then, of course, Jack pulls out the gun and can't bring himself to do it, much to our collective dismay, even though we all know he could've done it and told everyone the little pipsqueak died of a heart attack stepping out of the helicopter and no, we don't know where the three bullet wounds to his head came from!
You know, Jack does that a lot: he gets very close to blowing bad guys away or ripping out their throats and then backs down at the last minute. Of course, Jack knows best, but the audience wants a primetime bloodbath revengeful enough to last us through the Summer of Bad TV. You know, just once, Jack needs to say "Ahh, screw it. I'm giving you exactly what you deserve--a raspberry to the belly!"
10. For sure, THE most riveting scene of the finale: The Logans in the Hangar. But first, they had to wheel our beloved president David Palmer's casket across the tarmac. Got me a little verklempt, I must say. You know, I had this very tiny hope that somehow Palmer's death had been faked to ferret out the conspirators, but alas, he's probably really dead. Gonna miss the ol' insurance salesman.
And THEN, to have ol' Lucifer Turkeybutt himself inappropriately burst out of the helicopter waving all Nixony-like as if it were a July 4th photo-op.
Uggghh. The bile rose up in my throat like a shiny new vurp. And THEN, after EMMY! loses all composure, that S.O.B. had the NERVE to take her into a hangar and slap the Botox out of her!
Ahh, yes, but then, the moment millions had been waiting for. Thanks to our dear little socially inept Chloe...
(looks awfully excited, doesn't she?)...Barney Beelzebub's world collapses around him.
Other than seeing Jack blow him away in some remote, forgotten warehouse and leaving his body in a dumpster to be ravaged by vermin, wasn't it the NEXT BEST THING?!
The sickly, "I think I'm poopin' on myself" look on his face seared in our collective TV memories FOREVER! WOO HOO! Not to mention the look of triumph on Mrs. Logan's face. Now she can get down to business!
You GO, Mrs. First Lady! You GO, Aaron Pierce, Secret Agent Man! Hmm. Aparently three weeks of baking himself silly in the Boca Raton sun turned Aaron into Dennis Farina. Shame, really.
Households across the globe did their own little mini-waves!
It was just so friggin' poetic.
11. Of course, then came the prerequisite tying up of loose ends.
President Satan Logan will now come to embrace life as the most disgraced President ever.
Karen Hayes and Bob Buchanan begin to kindle the embers of passion, with a breakfast date at Denny's. Karen takes a raincheck...because it was a breakfast date at Denny's.
Nice pleated khakis, kids.
Chloe actually starts to show a little vulnerability...
And still, no one has any idea where Wayne Palmer is...
Well, I guess that's the end of Season Five, except for one last tiny detail...JACK IS BEING KIDNAPPED TO CHINA! WHAT THE...?! WILL IT NEVER END?!
Audrey Raines, that poor little stork, is once again left to live life without her deeply troubled timebomb of a man...
Ever loyal and ever industrious, Curtis Manning and Chloe O'Brien get to work immediately on a plan to bring Jack back to safety.
Next season on 24:
Jack puts his undercover skills to the test to beat seemingly insurmountable odds!
posted by Tyberspace @ 7:14 PM
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You know, come to think of it, I can’t take another episode of this show. I’m exhausted. Me need sleep.
Hands down, the BEST season since Day One. And probably the BEST season finale of all the Days. Wow. How deeply satisfying…
...oh sure, TV’s best president ever got assassinated, Michelle Dessler was killed by a Jiffy-Pop automobile, Tony got stabbed in the neck by an old Robocop, Edgar got gassed and went all brown-spittle on us, Derek (the daughter Jack never had) got abandoned, Aaron Pierce got beaten within an inch of his life, Kimberly (the daughter Jack never had) is permanently estranged from her father, and on top of everything…CHLOE HAS AN EX-HUSBAND...WITH AN ACCENT! WHAT THE…?!
Still, life is good.
First, let us look forward through clenched fingers to Black Hole 2006: The Summer of Bad TV. Here’s what’s in store...
Fox's So You Think You Can Dance Polka?
Up against NBC's oh so Below Average Joe...
Public television offers three new episodes of Nova (no, really, that's PBS' Nova. They're viewer-funded, for God's sake)
And let's not forget what The CW, lovechild of UPN and the WB, will be giving us this summer...
Oh, the stupidity. Oh, the humanity. Oh, the stupid humanity. Why, God? WHY?!
There's just so much to talk about. A few observations.
1. God bless little Petty Officer Rooney...
...and his highly functional paring knife!
You know, you never really use that corkscrew much. Apparently, this was The Day of the Throat. Did you notice how much throat stabbing we had this season?
2. Poor Bierko ate a Jackleg sammich! I love the sounds of necks breaking in the morning!
3. And then there's Christopher Henderson. First, the magic of his gun being chock full o' NOTHIN'! And then, OH SNAP! to have Jack pop that pile of dog doo-doo right between the eyes without flinching, well, it capped off the best opening 20 minutes of any episode this year, if not in the entire series. "Ya know, Chris, that IS the way it works." That bucket o' bolts is heading for the scrap heap. CHOICE!
Kids, is there a lesson to be learned here? Yeah: stay on Jack's good side, at all costs. Meanwhile, Rooney pees himself.
4. Finally, Mike Novick gets UP TO SPEED! HELLO!
5. Let's talk about sacrifice. For a moment, forget all the Expendable Federal Agents Red-shirts who bought it over the last 24 hours. Forget Headwound Tony and Michelle "Roasting on an Open Fire" Dessler. Forget pudgy little Edgar. Forget Trout Heller and his bad car stunt taken straight outta Knight Rider.
I SWEAR I vurped* a little during that scene.
* Vurp: a cross between a burp and vomit. In spite of all the gagging sounds you make, it doesn't quite make it all the way out, instead stopping at the back of your throat. It usually tastes like Pepto mixed with cabbage...
and dirty socks.
I'm still trying to figure out how this guy got his feet to do that. That's gotta hurt.
That was just the first hour! More to come in Part Two.
posted by Tyberspace @ 7:15 PM
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Viewers may have been left disconcerted as a lot of Jack's options seemed to run out. The tape incriminating Satan was destroyed. He can't kill Henderson just yet, darn it. Oh-So-Hatable Miles Papazian seems to have gotten off scott-free...
...though it was absolutely delightful to see the nasty rat trying to squirm free of Jack's Vulcan death grip.
What will happen to him? Is he just going to wander off, jogging goofily like Tom Hanks in Forrest Gump...
...and then mysteriously end up in a high-level, high-paying position in Logan's refreshed, Palmer-free, CTU-free, Aaron-Pierce-free, Almeida-free, Martha-free, Cummings-free administration? Or will the entire vomitous evil scheme come crumbling down around the blood-stained feet of the President and Dr. Romano's Evil Chamber of Doom?
Who knows? We may see Miles the Stinky Rat next season crapping pellets on everyone's desk and wreaking general havoc on Jack's next endeavor. Until then, I'm puttin' lotsa hate on him. Here's hoping he gets his due.
At least he left with Karen's handprint imprinted across his cheek.
Some observations.
1. Why didn't Evelyn, the First Lady's personal assistant (by now buried deep within some L.A. highway construction project) buy a BETTER TAPE RECORDER?! Why don't these people think ahead?! You'd think the President's California retreat would be well-stocked with top-of-the-line electronic EVERYTHING! But, NOOOOOO! Evelyn had to stop by the K-Mart on the way to record Satan incriminating himself in Palmer's death and pick up a PIECE OF CRAP! One that could EASILY BE ERASED!
2. Notice how the show's producers saved lots of money by not even showing us how Beirko escaped. Of course, all we got was Not-Quite-Expendable Agent Davis surrounded by what looked like an apocalyptic pile of dead bodies and burning debris, talking on his surprisingly sturdy cell phone in great detail: "Yes, thankfully I made it out with nary a scratch and my clear-as-a-bell cell phone. As I lay there in the back of the burned-out Escalade, barely conscious, I was able to make myself more alert by pinching myself enough to make out that they were headed to that big nuclear submarine in dock slot #18. I think. They're taking the Ventura highway. I think. I'll be okay. I think." Amazing government-issue cell-phone, I must say.
3. Meanwhile back at the presidential retreat, Mrs. Logan is having a party trying to toss all those "M&Ms" into her own mouth.
4. And how about that glorious good-vs.-evil showdown between our blessed Aaron Pierce...
Aboslutely delightful. Hands bound and weakened by a severe beating, Aaron still had the guts to stand up to the Moron-in-Chief, call him by his FIRST name (PRICELESS!) and say, "A$$hole, I mean, Charles, you are a traitor and a disgrace to the office. Plus, your ballz are really, REALLY tiny. Like minuscule, itty bitty baby English peas."
Aaron Pierce, what a man.
5. Of course, now that Logan has called off Jack's arrest, making him an open target, Jack goes next door to the Acme Tatts and More Tattoo Parlor where Claudia, the only "artist" on duty at this hour, fires up her needle and suggests one of her finest designs.
Of course, Jack doesn't want to make a deal because Henderson killed Palmer, and a deal would be a huge insult to Palmer's legacy. This conversation, by the way, prompted me to introduce a new catchphrase into today's lexicon: From now on, before any serious, life-changing decision, we should all ask ourselves: W.W.P.D? What Would Palmer Do? Hey, it might work.
God bless 'im. R.I.P.
7. Jack, along with millions of viewers, is downright itching to kill Henderson. Does he really need a good excuse? Why can't he make up one? How about "Karen, he spilled coffee on my leather bomber jacket. I had to kill him," or "Henderson pooted in the Escalade! I shot him. I had to," or "For God's sake, Karen, he starred in Robocop of all things! It was a mercy killing!"
Apparently Henderson wears a screw-on wig most of the time. Who knew?
8. OH. MY. NERVOUS. SYSTEM. AND. MY. DIGESTIVE. SYSTEM! THE FIRST LADY PACKIN' HEAT! I'M SAYIN' PACKING SOME HEAT!
Well, needless to say, the cat did the wave when THAT happened!
Well, of course, those two little lovebirds are gonna get hitched, you just know it. Sing it with me: "Aaron and Former First Lady Martha Logan, sittin' in a tree, K-I-L-L-I-N-G." They're gonna sneak off and have a quick little wedding and run off behind the shady trees. (sigh)
Okay back to business. Wasn't it GREAT to see that secret service agent get BLOWN AWAY?! Nothing says "love" like killing the guy who was ordered by your husband, the President of the United States of America, to shoot your soon-to-be-lover in the head and dispose of the body in a trunk lined with plastic. Good times.
9. Well, BAD DAY FOR THE CREW OF THE SUBMARINE NATALIA. This can't be good. And just think, those poor guys were all about to call it a night and get breakfast.
Nothing says "death" like having a canister of Sentox nerve gas dropped into your very claustrophobic stuffy submarine...right before you were about to sink your teeth into Triple Hashbrowns--Scattered, Smothered, and Capped.
Oh well, such is life. I mean, death.
Next week on 24:
Jack FINALLY has enough and demands justice by challenging President Logan to...a dance-off.
I have no idea where these Italian and Hispanic guys came from. They just showed up. Anyhoo, President Logan fatally pulls a groin muscle, AND THE WORLD IS SAVED!
And, as the photo indicates, Martha EMMY! Logan pays her last respects to Charles, THE WORST PRESIDENT EVER! and then runs off with Aaron Pierce, who inexplicably now dresses in cashmere trenchcoats and Humphrey Bogart hats. Now part of the Witness Protection Program, they move to Boca Raton and live happily ever after, slightly under the poverty line. Every once in a while, you can spot them hittin' the buffet scene around 4:00 p.m.
posted by Tyberspace @ 6:00 PM
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Well, what can I say?
Unparalleled acting. Superb direction. Flawless editing. Tasty catering. Spot-on background music. Can anything on TV be this perfect?! Well, Lost, probably, but this is basically a 24 blog, not a Lost one.
I must lament briefly that there are only three episodes left: I believe one next week and a 2-hour finale. Then what?
I know EXACTLY where to drown my sorrows:
Soon, my life will be an empty travail of tears. My only companions along the way to Day Six (JANUARY 2007, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!) will be this...
...and this:
...oh yeah! This, too:
This episode WORE ME OUT!
The fanny pack broke my fall, by the way.
Of course, I have a few observations.
1. First, many things seemed to fall into the "But, Of Course!" file. Of course, Secretary "Trout" Heller miraculously survived his car plunging into the river. Thank God he was saved. Here we see him being pulled from the river.
Of course, it just so happens that there's a long stretch of lonely highway near L.A. where Jack and Evans the Cowardly Pilot can handily land the plane.
Was anyone around to see this stray 747 careening toward the earth, 75 feet from the ground?
Of course not! There also happened to be a very convenient curfew, which means no cars were on the aforementioned lonely stretch of highway. Of course, no one thought of the possible Amish commuter who has no TV/radio/computer/newspaper boy/telegraph/megaphone to receive word about said martial law-induced curfew. Here we see Rebekah and Daniel Lapp ducking for cover.
Hey, come to think of it, what are the Lapps doing out so late?! Hmm. A quilting bee gone awry with too much apple cider, I suppose.
Of course, the plane stops just in time before getting its wings ripped off by the narrow confines of the overpass.
Of course, not much roadkill on that lonely stretch of highway, either. Most of the smart animals stayed clear. Most of them, anyway.
2. Speaking of vomitous roadkill, Miles Papazian is a sickening, dirty, brown-nosing pile of putrid filth. On a good day. That rat deserves immediate extermination, or a least a Jack-punch to the sternum.
3. Loved the look on Miles' face when Buchanan AND Chloe marched through CTU unheralded. Poetic, wasn't it? He looked like he had seen a ghost...
...or maybe even that dummy from that Anthony Hopkins movie that gave me nightmares as a kid...
or worse...THIS!
4. Speaking of looks on faces, Logan's face when he realized that the plane didn't get shot down and the plane landed safely on the gravel bicycle path and Jack wasn't found on the plane and Jack had even escaped the military dragnet...PRICELESS. The man started twitching! Who can blame him for getting suicidal? I'm sure he had "Dead Prez walking!" ringing in his ears.
Of course, the whole time, Novick (The Little Doubting Light Bulb That Could), thinks Logan's reactions are quite odd. I was waiting for this conversation:
Novick: Mr. President, Jack's a national hero. Why are you hesitating?
Beelzebub: Because, Mike, I am a ginormous a$$hole.
Novick: Yes, I know, but why are you twitching?
Barney the Satan: Because God may smite me down for being too evil for this world.
Novick: Yes, I know, but are you okay?
TinyTesticles Logan: No, I POOPED MY PANTS!
However, let's not forget who we're dealing with here. Yes, he seriously entertained eating a bullet, but thanks to the ever-present, always-working telephones on this show and that vile, a$$-kissing rat Miles, the President is a new man! Why, he rose like a phoenix from the ashes when he realized he had a new lease on life...
And where were the President's secret service guys when he was getting all Fourth-of-July, Harry-Potter Wizardish on us? Luring the First Lady into a locked chamber using a Zoloft dangling from a stick, of course.
You know, our children can learn a lot from this show. I mean, most of 'em know the standard stuff: Don't talk to strangers; learn your street address; learn how to dial 9-1-1, your home phone number, your daddy's office number, and the 1-800 number to your step-mom's tanning salon; and don't start smoking until you're at least 14.
Here's another lesson for the little ones: it's one thing if your illustrious President is a bumbling, yet affable, basically likable, slightly uninformed doddering old goofball...
...However, if he changes into this overnight...
Hmm. Amazing what Botox and a new 'do will do.
6. Let's not forget the biggest question of the night: Who are Graham Cracker and his cohorts? Big oil? Big business? Big buttheads? Here's hoping we don't have to wait the entire summer to find out. But don't they look despicable? I HATE THEM!
7. Back to Karen. Has anyone in this stupid organization ever heard of WHISPERING?! Geez!
It's that thing you do when you DON'T WANT SOMEONE ELSE TO HEAR YOU! She basically took a megaphone and broadcast all her conversations with Chloe and Buchanan to the world! And what's up with that ridiculous "Miles has always been loyal to me" crap? Isn't it obvious he was raised by rats in a landfill?
Do Karen and Miles have some checkered romantic past? To stifle my burgeoning rage over Miles and his evil, smarmy ways, I just pictured him and Karen expressing their true feelings under the stairwell. Napes and bosoms! EW!
8. Was it just me or was anyone else weirded out by Jack's fondling and kissing of Audrey's knees? C'mon! Jack cracks sternums and goes undercover and gets addicted to heroin in Mexican drug cartels and puts decapitated heads in bowling ball bags and shoots women in the leg above the kneecap so they won't be permanently paralyzed.
Hmm. Amazing what Botox and a new 'do will do.
He does NOT fondle and kiss knees! It's gotta be written down somewhere in the CTU by-laws. THAT AIN'T RIGHT!
9. Once again, Curtis Manning comes through with flying colors. The man can do no wrong. Let's just hope he survives the episode. Here we see Curtis mesmerizing the Marines with a Jedi/Vulcan mind trick.
Next week on 24:
1. The President and the Bloodied, Yet Gloriously Not-Dead Aaron Pierce have a showdown. "You're not worthy to hold the office!" Salivating over that one!
Chloe downloads the tape incriminating President Logan in the assassination of President Palmer. Much to everyone's shock, the file has been replaced with this image...
...backed by a continuous loop of "You Can't Touch This."
Hmm. Amazing what Botox and a new 'do will do.
Chloe screams and faints while Karen, Jack, Audrey, Buchanan, and Curtis are tied up by Miles in the CTU commissary. The President laughs maniacally while Jack starts to curse loudly.
posted by Tyberspace @ 9:40 PM
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My, my, MY! What an incredible episode! Unbelievable.
A few observations.
Haven't we learned so much from Jack? For example, last week we received essential instruction on how to sneak onto a diplomatic airplane using this:
this...
this...
And this:
Who knew it would be that easy?! I would skip sunglasses, though. You don't wanna be mistaken for one of these guys.
We also learned that once you get on the plane, all you need is to take that panel off in the luggage department and pull on a couple of strings to force everyone to use those special white lunch bags in the seat pocket. NEAT! You know, it’s never clear to me if those bags are for KEEPING your lunch in or LOSING your lunch in.
2. Four words to strike fear in any human heart on the planet: CHLOE HAS A TASER!
WASN’T THAT THE BEST TASERING EVER?!! TWICE EVEN!!! How nice to have some comic relief in an otherwise very tense episode. That poor guy just needed a little companionship.
"Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
3. BOB BUCHANAN TO THE RESCUE! Once Buchanan started unbuttoning his shirt, we weren't sure WHAT those nameless agents knocking on the door were gonna find:
This:
Or this:
EGAD! Glad he stuck with the heroic "I'm just walking around my house in my T-shirt" approach.
4. GOOD LORD! What about Jack on the plane?! The way he clocked that air marshal? May he NEVER sit by me on an airplane. Jack Bauer—the Ultimate Fast-Acting Sleeping Pill!
And then the whole “Let me just take off this panel and pull these two little strings AND THE PLANE WILL PLUMMET TO EARTH KILLING EVERYONE ON BOARD!” action.
Does Jack ever RELAX or WATCH TV or GO TO THE DRIVE-IN? Oh, once in a blue moon...
And poor Hans Meyer. He was so scared and SO THE WRONG GUY! So terrified, he was beside himself.
After it’s all over, there will be the obligatory apology from Jack: “Uhh, sorry, man, that I put a gun in your face, probably hit you a couple of times, forced you to get in the luggage compartment of the diplomatic airplane you were on and actually LOOK for your own luggage, dug through your personal items (I didn’t think guys wore leopard bikini briefs anymore, but that’s YOUR deal), and then indirectly forced the pilot to depressurize the plane, and then finally pulled those strings that caused the plane to plummet to earth giving you an embolism. For that, I’m truly sorry. At least I didn't electrocute your pectoral muscles and then choose some other person to live (leaving you to die on the operating table), shoot you in the leg above the kneecap so you wouldn't be permanently paralyzed, punch your sternum repeatedly, decapitate you and put your head in a bowling bag, make you run through a room of toxic gas to save the country (thereby sealing your fate), chop off your hand to detach the rest of you from a ticking bomb, shoot you in the back of your head in a train yard, date your mom and then abandon you, or make you become addicted to heroin to infiltrate a Mexican drug cartel. And yet, people love me. I don't know why.”
5. I have to say that Jean Smart repeatedly impresses me. If she doesn’t get an EMMY, they should give her a special Oscar, you know, a special cross-over Oscar: “Best Actress in a Role That Shoulda Been in a Film But Was on TV Instead.” Before she hits the red carpet, let's get her to work not only on her hair, but also that foggy gauzy Glamour Shots cloud that seems to be surrounding her head.
6. And what’s with Secret Service Agent Justin Adams? He reminds me of some freshman English students I used to know.
7. We screamed at the TV when EMMY! Logan was being all coy and fidgety NOT telling Mike Novick what she knew. “WOMAN, TELL HIM WHAT YOU KNOW! SAY IT IN SIGN LANGUAGE! PLAY CHARADES! SOMETHING!” I can picture the First Lady grabbing her earlobe and saying, "Sounds like...'Marles is smilty in Falmer's Beth! Marles is smilty in Falmer's Beth!'"
8. Then there was the very intense conversation between SATAN and Mike Novick. Logan standing there, Palmer’s blood on his hands, his guilt hanging heavily in the room like a impending storm, the sense of evil walking around the room like a lumbering monster. INSANE! You could read SATAN’S mind almost: “Dammit! I can’t kill my chief of staff. I want to, but I can't! As far as I know, no one’s ever done THAT before!”
However slowly, Mike’s getting there. Mr. Lightbulb Head will go off.
9. Simply put: PRESIDENT LOGAN IS SATAN. HIS MIDDLE NAME IS BEELZEBUB. HIS FRIENDS CALL HIM “THE LORD OF THE FLIES.” HE HAS A PALATIAL SUITE IN HELL! HE WILL BURN THERE FOREVER!
Goodness, he looks grumpy. Long day, I guess.
10. You should have seen the gymnastics at our house when Jack got the tape from the co-pilot! We invited the neighbors over and we laughed, we cried, it touched the very heart of us.
Next week: As the plane plummets to earth, Jack figures out how to save everyone with one parachute.
Before he jumps out of the plane holding hands with everyone listed on the manifest, he programs the plane to stay on autopilot until it lands on the President’s California retreat, sending Beelzebub back to the rotting, stinking hell where he belongs.
posted by Tyberspace @ 10:19 PM
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Wow. I know I always say this, but last night’s episode was jaw-dropping.
It was so good, it seems almost a sacrilege to make fun of it, but I’ll do it anyway.
Remember folks, only FIVE EPISODES LEFT! What to do?! We're gonna have the "Bauerless Blues," the "Jack-drawals," the "24 Twitches." What an awful summer it will be! Alas, I believe this is a good time to start drinking and/or smoking. Our sorrows must be drowned somehow.
Onto the show!
My observations:
1. FOR GOD’S SAKE, THE PHONE! SOMEONE KILL THE STUPID OVERLY LOUD PHONE! C’mon! Do we, as viewers, constantly have to be reminded that Jack is receiving calls from Bob Buchanan, Chloe O’Brien, Audrey Raines, and Secretary “The Trout” Heller?
We know that dang phone is ringing, and yes, we could even believe that he SETS IT ON VIBRATE, SO THE BAD GUYS WON’T HEAR IT! After all, it's a highly advanced state-of-the-art piece of technology. It even has a crayon for an antenna.
I kept expecting Expendable Truck Driver #4 to scratch his chin and say, “Was that a phone I heard? It sounded like it came from...ON TOP OF MY TRUCK! But how could that be? Must’ve been a wind chime or a very clever mockingbird or the radio, but it was definitely not a guy in a Gap hoodie on top of my Diplomatic Milk Truck." I’m convinced, by the way, that the truck was carrying some of that new-fangled fake milk made out of pinto beans, NOT fuel, and Bill Buchanan was behind the scenes screaming to some CTU agent: "DELAY THE FAKE MILK! DELAY THE FAKE MILK!"
2. Back to Heller the Trout. I'm not convinced he's dead. If he can punch Jack's esophagus Navy SEAL-style, then he can hold his breath, retrieve his beloved iPod from the coin tray, shoot like a harp seal to the surface, and call Jack on his waterproof Motorola phone. You know, he really needs to stop sacrificing himself for our country. It upsets Audrey.
Speaking of Audrey, my estimation of her, both as a character and as an actress (Kim Raver) has done a 180. I was salivating for her to blow Henderson's head off, but she didn't, so to satisfy my bloodlust, I switched over to E's True Hollywood Story about Todd Bridges.
Not really. Seriously, Audrey has turned into a real bulldog. I think I'm a little scared of her, which is a good thing (to echo Martha Stewart)! She looks angry, or at least a little hungry.
3. What in the HECK is Dr. Romano from ER doing heading up some secret society that has President Logan by his itty bitty gonads? By the way, the official 24 episode guide refers to his character as "a power broker named Graham." His last name is "Cracker," I'm sure.
Though he indeed has the capacity for evil, shouldn't he instead be operating on a GSW to the pyloric valve or dancing on top of a 1980 Ford LTD in very tapered acid-washed jeans? Oh well, boy's gotta eat.
4. Was it just us, or did anyone else scream "CASTRATE THE BA$TARD" when President Logan tried to keep Martha "EMMY!" Logan quiet. She could use these...
or this...
or even these...
I suggest this to make it ESPECIALLY painful!
The BEST lines of the evening came straight out of Martha "EMMY!" Logan's mouth: "Charles, THE COUNTRY DOESN'T DESERVE TO SUFFER...but you do." I stood up and did a cartwheel. Ripped my Spandex shorts. Pulled a groin muscle, too.
And you could just see the EVIL in President Logan's leering face. I HATE 'IM!
5. I CANNOT praise Curtis enough! Everybody owes him at least a free lunch, especially Audrey. Here Curtis takes control, even silencing a nearby yapping Chihuahua.
6. It's good to see Karen's confidence start to wane. She's actually beginning to second-guess herself. Of course, hers is a government job, so the minute she starts to think for herself, speak up, or disobey an executive mandate, it's over. And what about that rat-a$$ punk Miles?! What a fawning, "pet-my-head" evil-doer! After this long day is over, I'm sure Miles and Karen both will be reprimanded or worse, demoted.
7. Ever notice that all this shooting, torturing, and political intrigue happens in the MIDDLE OF NOWHERE?! Just once, I'd like to see a farmer come out of his outhouse, mad as a hornet, waving his corncob, screaming, "WHAT IN THE TARNATION IS GOIN' ON OUT HERE?! DON'T BE SHOOTIN' AT THE LADIES! Y'ALL GET OFFA MY PROPERTY AFORE I GIT THE PO-LEESE ON YER A$$!"
But no, Jack and Friends always manage to find an abandoned farmhouse with nooks and crannies aplenty or, as Roger Ebert calls them, mysterious Steam and Flame factories, where no one works, yet Steam and Flame are produced regularly, in vast quantities. In fact, it reminds me of a little place that happens to be right behind my house. If you look closely, you can spot my hoodless car. Good times.
8. Finally, we must answer Red Hot Mama's question posted on the 12-1am blog. She asks "Where the heck is Wayne Palmer?" By the way, RHM, you'll live on in infamy (and in my heart) as my VERY FIRST BLOG COMMENT! Woo hoo! Thank you! I don't know exactly where he is, but I'll hazard a guess.
Paul Raines Alert:
By the way, just saw James Frain, the actor who played Paul Raines last season, on a promo for Invasion. Hmm. Who knew? There IS work to be found for meerkats who aren't gay, just British.
Next week: Chloe becomes head of CTU. Up in the cargo hold, Jack legally changes his name to "Hijack," steals undercover clothes from the luggage, and climbs up through a mysterious convenient panel in the floor, ending up in the lavatory. He takes over the plane, shooting out the screen right in the middle of Legally Blonde 2. Very accustomed to bad service and random gunfire, the passengers ignore him, thinking he's another disgruntled Delta employee. Soon they start demanding Bloody Marys and trail mix. Jack shoots the pilot in the leg above the kneecap for not helping make coffee. Omigosh, you can barely tell it's him!
posted by Tyberspace @ 8:57 PM
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