24: Day Five, 1-2am Jack Bauer Basically Causes William Devane to Drive His Car Over a Cliff (#19)

Wow. I know I always say this, but last night’s episode was jaw-dropping.

It was so good, it seems almost a sacrilege to make fun of it, but I’ll do it anyway.

Remember folks, only FIVE EPISODES LEFT! What to do?! We're gonna have the "Bauerless Blues," the "Jack-drawals," the "24 Twitches." What an awful summer it will be! Alas, I believe this is a good time to start drinking and/or smoking. Our sorrows must be drowned somehow.

Onto the show!

My observations:
1. FOR GOD’S SAKE, THE PHONE! SOMEONE KILL THE STUPID OVERLY LOUD PHONE! C’mon! Do we, as viewers, constantly have to be reminded that Jack is receiving calls from Bob Buchanan, Chloe O’Brien, Audrey Raines, and Secretary “The Trout” Heller?

We know that dang phone is ringing, and yes, we could even believe that he SETS IT ON VIBRATE, SO THE BAD GUYS WON’T HEAR IT! After all, it's a highly advanced state-of-the-art piece of technology. It even has a crayon for an antenna.

I kept expecting Expendable Truck Driver #4 to scratch his chin and say, “Was that a phone I heard? It sounded like it came from...ON TOP OF MY TRUCK! But how could that be? Must’ve been a wind chime or a very clever mockingbird or the radio, but it was definitely not a guy in a Gap hoodie on top of my Diplomatic Milk Truck." I’m convinced, by the way, that the truck was carrying some of that new-fangled fake milk made out of pinto beans, NOT fuel, and Bill Buchanan was behind the scenes screaming to some CTU agent: "DELAY THE FAKE MILK! DELAY THE FAKE MILK!"


2. Back to Heller the Trout. I'm not convinced he's dead. If he can punch Jack's esophagus Navy SEAL-style, then he can hold his breath, retrieve his beloved iPod from the coin tray, shoot like a harp seal to the surface, and call Jack on his waterproof Motorola phone. You know, he really needs to stop sacrificing himself for our country. It upsets Audrey.


Speaking of Audrey, my estimation of her, both as a character and as an actress (Kim Raver) has done a 180. I was salivating for her to blow Henderson's head off, but she didn't, so to satisfy my bloodlust, I switched over to E's True Hollywood Story about Todd Bridges.


Not really. Seriously, Audrey has turned into a real bulldog. I think I'm a little scared of her, which is a good thing (to echo Martha Stewart)! She looks angry, or at least a little hungry.


3. What in the HECK is Dr. Romano from ER doing heading up some secret society that has President Logan by his itty bitty gonads? By the way, the official 24 episode guide refers to his character as "a power broker named Graham." His last name is "Cracker," I'm sure.

Though he indeed has the capacity for evil, shouldn't he instead be operating on a GSW to the pyloric valve or dancing on top of a 1980 Ford LTD in very tapered acid-washed jeans? Oh well, boy's gotta eat.

4. Was it just us, or did anyone else scream "CASTRATE THE BA$TARD" when President Logan tried to keep Martha "EMMY!" Logan quiet. She could use these...


or this...


or even these...

I suggest this to make it ESPECIALLY painful!

The BEST lines of the evening came straight out of Martha "EMMY!" Logan's mouth: "Charles, THE COUNTRY DOESN'T DESERVE TO SUFFER...but you do." I stood up and did a cartwheel. Ripped my Spandex shorts. Pulled a groin muscle, too.

And you could just see the EVIL in President Logan's leering face. I HATE 'IM!

5. I CANNOT praise Curtis enough! Everybody owes him at least a free lunch, especially Audrey. Here Curtis takes control, even silencing a nearby yapping Chihuahua.


6. It's good to see Karen's confidence start to wane. She's actually beginning to second-guess herself. Of course, hers is a government job, so the minute she starts to think for herself, speak up, or disobey an executive mandate, it's over. And what about that rat-a$$ punk Miles?! What a fawning, "pet-my-head" evil-doer! After this long day is over, I'm sure Miles and Karen both will be reprimanded or worse, demoted.


7. Ever notice that all this shooting, torturing, and political intrigue happens in the MIDDLE OF NOWHERE?! Just once, I'd like to see a farmer come out of his outhouse, mad as a hornet, waving his corncob, screaming, "WHAT IN THE TARNATION IS GOIN' ON OUT HERE?! DON'T BE SHOOTIN' AT THE LADIES! Y'ALL GET OFFA MY PROPERTY AFORE I GIT THE PO-LEESE ON YER A$$!"

But no, Jack and Friends always manage to find an abandoned farmhouse with nooks and crannies aplenty or, as Roger Ebert calls them, mysterious Steam and Flame factories, where no one works, yet Steam and Flame are produced regularly, in vast quantities. In fact, it reminds me of a little place that happens to be right behind my house. If you look closely, you can spot my hoodless car. Good times.


8. Finally, we must answer Red Hot Mama's question posted on the 12-1am blog. She asks "Where the heck is Wayne Palmer?" By the way, RHM, you'll live on in infamy (and in my heart) as my VERY FIRST BLOG COMMENT! Woo hoo! Thank you! I don't know exactly where he is, but I'll hazard a guess.


Paul Raines Alert:
By the way, just saw James Frain, the actor who played Paul Raines last season, on a promo for Invasion. Hmm. Who knew? There IS work to be found for meerkats who aren't gay, just British.


Next week: Chloe becomes head of CTU. Up in the cargo hold, Jack legally changes his name to "Hijack," steals undercover clothes from the luggage, and climbs up through a mysterious convenient panel in the floor, ending up in the lavatory. He takes over the plane, shooting out the screen right in the middle of Legally Blonde 2. Very accustomed to bad service and random gunfire, the passengers ignore him, thinking he's another disgruntled Delta employee. Soon they start demanding Bloody Marys and trail mix. Jack shoots the pilot in the leg above the kneecap for not helping make coffee. Omigosh, you can barely tell it's him!