24: Day Five, 8-9pm Jack Bauer Thinks He Might Have to Kill, or at Least Torture His Skinny-Necked Girlfriend (#14)

O MY GOSH! I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE! Truly an edge-of-the-seat episode.

To my fellow “Lost” fans: So THAT’S what Desmond was doing on the other side of the island! HE WAS KNOCKIN’ BOOTS WITH LEGGY DOUBLE AGENTS FOR THE GERMANS! Who knew?! AUDREY RAINES, OF ALL PEOPLE?!!!!! They killed off the hobbit FOR THIS?! What a shocker! Now, either this is the biggest bombshell since George Michael visited the men’s room, or the baddies are trying to get to Jack by making him THINK she’s a mole. I have to admit that I CANNOT WAIT to see Jack pin her scrawny neck to the wall in next week’s episode. She’s gonna be pinned up there like a chicken at pluckin’ time. I mean, her time was up, don’t you think? Last season, her husband the gay British meerkat got his boobies electrocuted...NOW IT’S HER TURN! YAY! I have to admit I’ve had some empathy for her this season, but if she is indeed the mole, IT WILL NOT BE PRETTY.

Some observations:

1. WHY CAN’T JACK DATE A NORMAL GIRL?! I bet he’s thinking “I shoulda stuck with that corn-fed mother of Derek, the daughter I never had.” By the way, does Jack have parents? I guess not. I’d love to see him drop by his mother’s ranch-style bungalow:
Jack: “Mom! I’m just dropping by to make a quick sandwich.”
Mrs. Bauer: “Now, honey, can’t you stay for dinner? A sandwich isn’t enough. How’s Kim? She dating her shrink? I miss Chase, he was such a nice handicapped boy. How’s Audrey? Did she ever get her hair fixed? And Tony and Michelle? I’ve always loved Taco Bell. And what about that mousy-haired hacker girl? Zoe? Chloe? Not very personable, if you ask me. I always thought that large boy Edgar would be good for her, you know, put her in her place now and then. He’s portly, I know, but then again, your dad Ernie was portly when I first met him at the shooting range. Now, Jackie, sit down. I’ve got a roast in the crockpot.”
Jack: “Don’t have time, Mom. And no one calls me ‘Jackie,’ not even Audrey, Terry, Nina, that fresh-faced Iowan Girl, OR that Mexican girl I dated when I was hopped on heroin for a year in that undercover drug cartel. Where’s the Miracle Whip?”
Mrs. Bauer (sigh): “I just want you to be happy, sweetie, you know, meet a nice girl not from the West Coast or the East Coast, but from, oh, Nebraska, settle down, buy a farm, give Ernie and me another grandchild (preferably a boy who eventually dates GIRLS with all their limbs)
Jack: “Uhh, Mom, the Miracle Whip?”
Mrs. Bauer: “Oh, shoot, dear, we ran out just last night. Ernie and his midnight snacks! A minute on the lips; a lifetime on the hips, I always say. . .”
Jack: “DAMMIT, MOM! I’M JACK BAUER! YOU TELL ME WHERE THE MIRACLE WHIP IS, OR I’LL SHOOT YOU IN THE LEG ABOVE THE KNEE CAP SO YOU WON’T BE PERMANENTLY DISABLED!”
Mrs. Bauer (arms akimbo): “Well, I’ll be! Mr. Grumpy came to visit today, didn’t he? Mr. Grumpy gets no vittles in THIS house until he turns that frown into a smile! One...two..."
(Jack shoots his mom in the leg above the kneecap so she won’t be permanently disabled.) “Omigoodness! That hurts like hell!”
Jack: “Sorry, Mom. You won’t be permanently disabled, but you will have several months of painful rehabilitation. I’ve gotta go. Bierko must be stopped!” (Jack runs out, half-eaten bologna sandwich and juice box in hand).
Mrs. Bauer: “Ouchie wah wah, that stings like a mofo! ERNIE! YOO HOO! Jack, you bring your little friend Bierko by later. We’ll watch Lawrence Welk and play some Scrabble. ERNIE! JACKIE SHOT MOMMA AGAIN!”

2. Wayne Palmer is running for his life. I only wish he’d been driving a Focus or a Geo Metro. But NO, he had to be driving a sweet Mercedes. Hate to see a car like that tumble down an embankment near a convenient escape tunnel. Oh, did I mention Wayne is running for his life? Will he be the next stat in the huge body-count this season? We shall see!

3. To be hated: the Homeland Security morons. The way that butthead Miles took over the now-dead Edgar’s desk like he was on sick leave or something. Grrrrrr. Didn’t you love the fact that all it took was some McDonald’s coffee spilled on someone’s crotch for national security to be threatened? Gotta love Chloe! Not sure what a “wet list” is, but I’m assuming that Tony, Edgar, Michelle, and furry-footed Wilibald Overhill of Nobottle are now on the “dry list.”

4. Once again, Jack talks on the magic CTU phones, you know, the ones THAT ARE NEVER ON “VIBRATE”!!!! A very smooth move for Jack to give the German double agent a self-destructing memory chip, a la the style of the old “Mission: Impossible” TV series. Does Jack just happen to carry those on his person? I guess if he can make a bomb out of a bobby pin, corn meal, and a chicken feather, he can carry self-destructing memory chips in the pocket of his black secret-agent cargo pants.

5. Speaking of black secret agents, Curtis Manning once again made it out alive. He is solidly one of my favorite not-Jack characters. Surely Curtis HAS to be worried that hanging around with Jack is not good for one’s health. Notice how he very gradually moves out of collateral damage range every time he’s around Jack. Poor Jack. No women. No friends. No daughter or son who even looks like a daughter, to speak of. It’s just him and his magic cell phone.

6. I think Aaron Pierce ROCKS! Soon, he’ll be able to take EMMY! Logan in his arms, give her a big sloppy kiss on the lips, and then go out and mow his yard in his Bermuda shorts, sandals, and dark socks:
(doorbell rings) EMMY! Logan Pierce: I’ll get it. (opens door)
Former President Logan: Your mail, ma’am. Oh, hi, Marti.
EMMY! Logan Pierce: Charles. How are your tiny testicles?
Former President Logan (gulps geekily, gets red in face): Now, Marti, that hurts!
EMMY! Logan Pierce: Oh yeah?! So did your letting Aaron and I ride along in Boris and Natasha’s doomed motorcade.
Former President Logan: But...but...
EMMY! Logan Pierce: Speaking of butts, get yours off my hydrangeas. And take your miniscule scrotum with it.
Former President Logan: Is that Aaron out there mowing around that statue of David?
EMMY! Logan Pierce: Yes, it is. (sigh) You know, his cajones are HUGE! Almost as big as mine.
Former President Logan: But, Marti, can’t we talk?
EMMY! Logan Pierce: Buh-bye, numbnutz, you’ve got Fingerhut catalogs to deliver.

7. And where is Henderson, pray tell? Visiting Shot-in-Leg in the hospital? Probably not. No, I’m sure he’s buying women’s clothes at Cato, wigs at the Zsa-Zsa Emporium, and makeup at Sephora. Soon, he’ll be sneaking across the border to Tijuana where he will fade into the woodwork for a few years and re-emerge as . . . JACK’S NEW GIRLFRIEND! Talk about an awkward Thanksgiving.

Next week: It’s Audrey-pluckin’ time! By the end of the episode, Audrey has no eyebrows to speak of, which means . . . THE WEDDING’S OFF!