24: Day Five, 5-7pm Jack Bauer Shoots the Mom from "Poltergeist" in the Leg Above the Kneecap (#11, 12)

OH MY GOSH! I CANNOT BELIEVE IT! HOW COULD THEY DO THAT?! HOW COULD THEY MAKE CHLOE DO "UGLY CRY" ON TV?!

Oh, yeah, they killed Edgar, too.

I can't speak...but I can type.

We were waiting for a Demi Moore/Patrick Swayze Ghost moment where Chloe and Edgar, backed by "Unchained Melody" piped in over the CTU intercom. Wait a minute, they played "Unchained Melody" over Jack and Curtis's man-hug in the Escalade. Replace "Unchained Melody" with "King of the Road." Anyhoo, Chloe and Edgar touch hands through the bullet-proof, hermetically sealed glass while Chloe silently mouths "Edgar, my glistening, often irritating lisping chunk of sweet hamhock" as he goes all brown-spittle chin on us. (thanks to my fellow Jackophile, Julie, for the Ghost reference!)

Our pudgy little friend has gone to meet his toasty mom in heaven. You know, she doesn't look at all like him:

My wife and I sat there, jaws dropped to the floor. We couldn't believe it. What an awesome two hours of television! Especially the last five minutes. Unbelievable!

The evening was so eventful, it took me a Pabst Blue Ribbon, a bucket of chicken wings, and an Apple-Pie-in-a-Box to gather my thoughts. Some observations:

1. Favorite line of the night from EMMY! Logan: "You can convey whatever you want to the president, Mike. May I suggest this large hot poker up his cowardly a$$, or how 'bout we convey this large pair of scissors onto his miniscule little gonads?! Or how 'bout we slap him naked and convey his clothes to the poor? How's that sound? Buh-bye."

2. Dingleberry Humperflinch the Hobbit lost the one person who meant something to him, his elven sister Susquehanna Eldriel. She basically went "over the sea," if you know what I mean. What a way to go. She's now embracing her elven sisters Sandy Duncan and Jenna Elfman. Oh wait, they're not dead. Never mind. Here's what she saw when she got there. Not so elven:

How much you wanna bet Minto Boggy-Hillocks, tormented by utter remorse for getting all those CTU folks gassed, sacrifices himself in next week's episode? The teaser indicated someone bites it. It should be him, the fat little poop.

3. I'm very concerned about Curtis. NO ONE BETTER MESS WITH CURTIS! He found the poison gas and put it in a plastic dumpster! He fought off Jack's advances during that Brokenose Mountain moment and maintained his masculinity! He beat up bad guys last season! He faced down Fastolph Sackville-Baggins the Rotund Hobbit AND WON! For these things he deserves a medal, or at least a day off. What a hero!


4. I thought the Kimberley/Jack "I was dead, but now I'm not" moment was handled quite well.
Jack: "Okay, remember when you thought I went down with that plane, but it was really George Mason, and you sat in the car and cried?"


Kimberley: "Yes. I buried you, Dad...wearing that red nose and those clown shoes you wore at my 6th birthday party. Do you remember when you shot my friend Billy for giving me a realistic-looking squirt gun?"
Jack: "That punk? HE DESERVED IT! I shot him ABOVE the kneecap!!!"
Kimberley: "He was 7. Anyway, I BURIED YOU...AND I HATE YOU!"
Jack: "Well, that wasn't me. That was a homeless guy named Jerry."
Kimberley: "I THOUGHT you looked weird, but with the red nose and big shoes, I couldn't really tell. That explains it! I HATE YOU!"
Jack: "Okay, but this was just like that plane crash time. I wasn't really dead. Pretend like I was on vacation with Aunt Nina."
Kimberley: "Aunt Nina killed Mom. I HATE YOU!"
Jack: "Okay, then. Aunt Audrey. How's that?"

5. Will love blossom between Martha Logan and Aaron? Hey, I figure if Bill Clinton can knock boots with an intern, the First Lady oughta be able to "supplement her income" (wink, wink) with her Secret Service guy, darn it. "Love is in the air, in the whisper of the trees..." Maybe next ep, they sneak out to Red Lobster. Don't they look good together?


6. I can't figure Mike Novick out. If I could just seen inside his head to discover what makes him tick... Hmm. Could be his tungsten filament.

Can he be trusted? We shall see. He definitely has his concerned Light Bulb look full on, doesn't he? He seems quite the schemer, yet he wants to protect the nation from the evil Vice President Hal Gardner.

Tangent 6B. Hmm. We have a bumbling goofball for a President and a heartless trigger-happy bully for a Vice President. I don't think that volatile combination has EVER sat in the White House, DO YOU?! That Veep has martial law on the brain. SOMEONE BETTER HIDE THE BB GUNS!

What you and I see when we gaze out into the vast sea of humanity:

What the Vice President sees:

Okay, back to the show:

7. Can you BELIEVE Jack shot the mom from Poltergeist in the leg above the kneecap?! Hasn't she had enough? First, ghosts in the TV, squeaky-voiced ghost-busters in the living room, and now, shot in the leg above the kneecap. How thoughtful of Jack to shoot her in the leg above the kneecap and then to explain to her cold-hearted ba$tard of a husband that yes, he shot her in the leg above the kneecap so she could walk again (after months and months of rehab). That's gonna RUIN Thanksgiving, you can guarantee it! By the way, just think: if only Dick Cheney had shot that old lawyer in the leg above the kneecap, then the pellet wouldn't have drifted around and lodged in the guy's heart causing him to flatline.

8. We're all salivating over Henderson's impending interrogation. Grab the popcorn and the kids for a lovely Monday evening of terrorist gassings and CEO torture!


9. As Julie has noted before, I think HeadWound Tony's head wound keeps switching sides. And, c'mon, Tony. What do you mean, "LOOK AT ME!"? It looks like a bad case of rug burn, that's all. You'll get over it. Now, the Michelle thing...that's different. If only you hadn't gone to that meeting with the Taco Bell execs. You'd still be in the living room in your droopy drawers, drinking PBR, and scratchin' your belly. The love of taco money and PBR is the root of all evil.


10. Bodo Bolger of Newbury, the Hobbit That Couldn't, is in VERY BAD TROUBLE! The authorities are gonna take away not only his badge, but also OuchMaker (his hobbitish sword) AND his glowing shot of tequila. God bless 'im; he don't look so good.


Next week:
As CTU's cream of the crop sit there helplessly trapped in the snazzy, yet hermetically sealed, glass cage (Buchanan's office), things go awry when Jack challenges Barry Landes (Kimberley's psychiatrist/boyfriend/former 80s star of Soul Man and The Outsiders) to a game of Scrabble. When Barry gets a triple word score with "undifferentiated schizophrenia with psychotic features, co-occurring bipolar disorder coupled with body dismorphic disorder," Jack shoots him in the leg above the kneecap.