24: Day Five, 7-8pm Jack Bauer Kills a Hobbit (#13)

FINALLY! Well, here it is, almost two days late. Dang it, I actually had to WORK yesterday AND today! I HATE it when that happens. One reason it took so long to write this was that I had to recover from post-traumatic stress syndrome after seeing our beloved HeadWound Tony stabbed in the chest, a la Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction. All those Taco Bell dreams...gone in an instant. Right now Tony and Michelle are selling tacos in heaven. Here's the first thing Tony saw when he walked through the pearly gates:

Edgar's there, dribbling white cheese sauce over his 15 tacos, with his Baked Alaska momma wondering how in the HEAVEN Sherry Palmer got past the front door.

And what did I predict? Wilibald Sandybanks, the Hobbit Voted Most Wanted Dead did indeed sacrifice himself after compromsing CTU security. Now he's in heaven, too...beating the ever-loving CRAP outta his sister. By the way, if you thought Marmadas Hamwich of Buckleberry Fern, our fat little incompetent hobbit, had secrets here on earth...well, in heaven HIS SECRET IS NO MORE! Freedom, Chubblefat, FREEDOM!


May Edgar and the Very Dead Hobbit, Fosco Bumbleroot of Fair Downs, rest in peace.

Some observations:

1. Apparently, the "24" producers have no qualms about randomly picking off whomever they please. Soon, the only people left at CTU will be Jack and Kevin the Janitor, whom Jack will promptly shoot in the leg above the kneecap for not cleaning up the brown-spittle spill in aisle 5. Gee whiz! I have to say I felt bad for badmouthing Wheewilly Berilac Burrows of Tuckborough all this time as he raced through the halls singing "Over the hills and through the hall, through fatal clouds of nerve gas we go!" It was a good death scene. I'm thinking they used a Starbucks nonfat double latte for all the brown-spittle shots.

2. For me, Jack's words of sympathy ring a little hollow: "Uhh, Berilac Hardbottle the Portly Hobbit, you're the only one who can save us...and you're gonna die in the process." You KNOW everyone was thinking "This, from the man who could put on a peanut suit, stand in a herd of hungry elephants, and STILL MAKE IT OUT ALIVE!" See Jack survive:

3. And good grief, poor Expendable Guard in Red Shirt #3 had to, of all things, CALL HIS YOUNG DAUGHTER. What manipulative scripting!
Daughter: Daddy, when you come home from your very dangerous job, will you bring me a BB gun?
Guard #3: No, little Shenandoah, honey, Daddy's gonna be a while.
Shenandoah: Please come home, Daddy. Mommy's watching QVC with the credit card out. How long, Daddy?
Guard #3: Oh, slightly longer than it will take my little Shenandoah to grow up, learn to kiss boys (or girls if you're anything like your Aunt Pat), learn to drive a truck, sell puppies by the K-Mart, get married, have the grandchildren I'll never know, and die an early death due to too much coffee and sausage.
Shenandoah: Daddy, YOU'RE SCARING ME!
Guard #3: You think YOU'RE scared?! You oughta be trapped in a room with a former hobbit, waiting to go all brown-spittle on myself! THEN we'll decide who's SCARED!

He DOES look scared, doesn't he?!
4. Barney Fife cried. He actually cried. Favorite line of the night:
Barney: (sniffle) Marti, I thought I had lost you. (sob)
She-Ra, Queen of the Jungle (what she said): You didn't lose me.
She-Ra, Queen of the Jungle (what she thought): Geez, SOMEONE in the family's gotta have some ballz! Good lord, aren't Aaron's shoulders broad? (sigh)

You know, Aaron and Mrs. Logan would make a great team, I think. By the way, here's Mrs. Logan's calling card:
5. Of course, we all knew Henderson the RoboCop was FAKIN' it, that ba$tard. I'm sure he's off to visit Ms. Poltergeist in the hospital recovering from her harmless bullet wound to the leg above the kneecap:
After a very long period of rehabilitation, she'll be able to walk again...like a three-legged cat hopped up on dope:
Hopefully she learned her lesson and won't invite Jack over for Scrabble ever again.

6. Gotta love Chloe. One would not call her diplomatic: "I once was in shock, but now I'm back to my sarcastic self, three minutes later. YO, SHRINK! You gonna hand out some free HUGS now?! At least I didn't have to psychoanalyze Spencer into embracing his inner child before 'gettin' some,' if you know what I mean. All it took was some nachos and a box of wine. And Kimberley Bauer, of all people?! She's a TODDLER compared to you, ya big PERV. And that goatee is SO early 90s. What next, a soul patch and a mullet?" Here is Kimberley's recent Olan Mills photo taken with her shrink/boyfriend Barry. By the way, the kid in the shot is related to no one but belongs to Chase, Kimberley's ex-boyfriend and formerly Jack's coworker until Jack had to cut off his hand to save his life. It's a long story.

Next week, Jack gets all Masada on the bad guys by killing everyone before the terrorists get a chance to—Bill Buchanan, Chloe, Kimberley the daughter he never had, Dr. Perv, Audrey, President Logan, Vice President Gardner, Vice President Gardner's ego, the Russian premier Olav and his wife Svetlana, Mike Novick, that unnamed doctor downstairs, Mrs. Henderson One-Leg, the cougar from season 2, Bahroos, Derek the daughter he never had, Expendable Guard in Red Shirt #4, the nice Muslim gunshop owners from last season, Matt Dillon's brother, Bierko the British Terrorist, AND Kevin the Janitor. After the bloodbath, Jack finally gets to sit down, fix him, Aaron Pierce, Mrs. Martha Logan Pierce, and Curtis Manning a coupla sandwiches, and TAKE A LEAK, FOR GOD'S SAKE!