Monday, April 17, 2006

24: Day Five, 12-1am Jack Bauer Gets His Girlfriend Hurt Like a Stuck Pig (#18)

I said a little prayer after tonight's episode. I prayed "Dear Lord, keep my nervous system intact because I CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE EPISODES LIKE THAT!"


I was left speechless. Just speechless. Amazing.

Just a few observations.

1. I believe the phrase "Pig Bastard" was uttered several times at various volumes last night at our house. During the previews for next week, it was actually screamed. Satan is alive and lives at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue!

2. Bill Buchanan is not out of the picture. Woo hoo! When Chloe "Walking Acid Reflux" O'Brien met up with him, I was VERY glad not to hear: "Chloe, now that Spenser's out of the way, and Edgar (may he r.i.p) and Tony Almeda and Lynn McDill (aka Minto Sandybanks of Frogmorton) and that guard with the red shirt...TAKE ME! I'M YOURS!"

3. Speaking of Chloe: God bless her little ferret-like features! I have to admit that I kept expecting her to give old Miss "Fake Sexual Harassment Claims" a quick crack to the sternum. We know that Chloe has it in her to pull out all the stops if necessary. Remember when she went all Terminator 3 on some bad guy's butt last season? And did you notice? They actually gave her Mission: Impossible-type music? How cool was that?! And somewhere, somehow, she also learned how to pick pockets. I'd like to think she picked up that skill playing the Artful Dodger in a summer production of Oliver! Maybe not.

4. Was it me or did Aaron and EMMY! Logan need to turn on the A/C?! Or at least the fan! Yowza! There's a whole lotta of fireworks goin ' on there! When Aaron said, "Not here. Out by the stable," I thought the old guy was gonna show up in his tighty-whities, dark support hose, K-Mart sandals, and a riding whip. Egad! I tell you one thing, IF THEY DID ANYTHING TO OUR AARON, THERE'LL BE HELL TO PAY! Something's rotten in southern California. Perhaps the same cougar that threatened Kimberley (the Daughter Jack Never Really Wanted) ate Aaron, leaving the phone behind to scare Mrs. Logan! I mean, cats don't really have opposable thumbs; they don’t need phones. Makes sense.

5. I let out a big sigh of relief when Mr. Lightbulb Head got suspicious and started questioning Satan. I really thought Mike may have had a hand in the conspiracy. Thankfully, he's just slightly weasly. You know, EMMY Logan's not the only one with ballz of brass around there.

6. You know, I wonder if the REAL Secretary of Defense knows how to crush a guy's esophagus? I was like, "Wut up wit dat?" when Secretary Heller gave Jack a tracheotomy in about 2 seconds. And Jack wasn't prepared? C'mon? He's Immortal Jack, come from DonaldsutherLand to save us all!

7. The scenes with William Devane in Satan's office were superb. You know, Gregory Itzin's portrayal of the Lord of the Flies really deserves an Emmy. He really has garnered our hatred of that character. "And the Emmy goes to...BEELZEBUB! "I'd like to thank all the little demons who made this possible..." And then there was Devane's refusal to shake hands. PERFECT! "I don't shake hands with...SATAN!" And also "Your chair is not a throne! It's the mahogany DESK OF SATAN, complete with SATAN'S LETTER OPENER and SATAN'S STAPLER!" And then Devane all bewildered looking and saying to the Veep, "But that guy's SATAN! Can't you smell the stench? See his little horns, dirty snout, beady eyes, and long forked tail?! For God's sake, Vice President Moron (I mean, Gardner), this isn't HALLOWEEN!! Take a look-see! Underneath those $800 wingtips are SATAN'S ARGYLE SOCKS OVER SATAN'S CLOVEN HOOVES!"

8. Of course, Jack Bauer, the MacGuyver of Federal Agents, gets Audrey Storkneck and himself out of a fix without batting an eyelash. I thought he was gonna stand on her shoulders, ruining the white cashmere jacket, but no, he just happened to have ladder-type things on the wall to help him up to the pipe blatantly labeled "CAUTION: HOT PIPE HOT ENOUGH NOT ONLY TO BURN SKIN BUT ALSO TO BURN THROUGH STANDARD GOVERNMENT-ISSUE PVC HANDCUFFS. WARNING: BURN OFF HARDPLASTIC HANDCUFFS AT YOUR OWN RISK!"

9. I'd have to argue that the Bleeding Like a Stuck Pig scene was about the most riveting scene of the evening. As much flack as I've given her, I wasn't ready to see Audrey bite the dust. "Uhh, Jack, I really like the cashmere jacket you gave me, but I think I'll need to take it to the drycleaners! Bad, BAD PAPERCUT! We might have to postpone the wedding. At least if I lose this arm, I'll match Chase (if he's even invited)." TV at its best!

10. I think for future episodes, they ought to superimpose big neon yellow arrows that say "Expendable Soon-to-Be Dead Guy." When Jack and that other agent hid behind the airplane tires, I thought, "Yep, we all know Jack ain't gonna be the one that goes to the big briefing in the sky." Poor guy, but at least the actor got his SAG card.

11. Best line of the evening: "Our government has no integrity!" Tell us something we DON'T know!

Next week: Was it me or is Dr. Romano (the mean bald doctor) from E.R. gonna be in next week's episode? It sure looked like him.

Anyhoo, next week: Jack and Henderson spend the ENTIRE episode shooting at each other from point-blank range inside a black Escalade while everyone else waits outside for it to be over. Audrey accidentally loses her tourniquet and calls the wedding off. Aaron buys a silk smoking jacket and some clove cigarettes for his date with Mrs. Logan. Chloe and Bill Buchanan go to a Denny's. Secretary Heller runs off to Congress to start debate on how satanic a president has to be before we actually send him packing. Meanwhile, Curtis Manning's inherent goodness causes Satan to melt into a puddle of smelly lard.


At 4:15 PM, Anonymous Red Hot Mama said...

My question is . . . "Where the heck is Wayne Palmer?" I thought Buchanan was supposed to be hiding him. I guess he's doing a REALLY good job since even the audience doesn't know where he is!

At 2:13 AM, Blogger Tyberspace said...

That's a very good question. The show is notorious for leaving characters behind. Last season, for example, Terrorist Boy Bahroos was exchanged with Jack, and we never heard from him again. Maybe Wayne's been in Bob Buchanan's loo the past hour, reading "Reader's Digest." I hope the show doesn't leave that unresolved. WAYNE NEEDS TO GET OFF THE POT!


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