24: Day Five, 9-11pm Jack Bauer Gets Another Woman Shot in the Leg (#15, 16)

OH MY GOSH!

Two killer episodes. Because of technical difficulties, I was unable to create of list of observations about episode 15 (9-10 p.m.), Today’s list of observations, then, will be based on the last two eps, not the usual one. We could also refer to this entry “Violent Thoughts with Jack ‘Handy with a Gun’ Bauer”:

Barney Fife (President Logan) IS INDEED THE BAD GUY!!!!!! MAY THE ROTTEN LITTLE PENCIL-NECKED, SMALL SCROTUMMED ONE DIE A HORRIBLE DEATH AT THE HANDS OF THE IMMORTAL JACK, HE WHO CANNOT PERISH.

1. Gimme a G! Gimme an R! Gimme an A! Gimme a P! Gimme an H! Gimme an I! Gimme a C! Gimme a space before the next word! Gimme a V! Gimme another I! Gimme an O! Gimme an L! Gimme an E! Gimme an N! Gimme another C! Gimme a breath, and then gimme another E! WHAT’S THAT SPELL? G-R-A-P-H-I-C V-I-O-L-E-N-C-E! YaaaaaayyyyyYYY! The Tyberspace family loves the "Graphic Violence" warning since it obviously means some bad person will get what was coming to him or her. At our house, we’ve taught our cat Chessie to do “the graphic violence wave” when the viewer discretion warning comes on. She gets it right about 3% of the time.

2. If you’re ever lucky enough to work with a man who has managed to survive a) a horrific explosion at a natural gas plant; b) an explosion INSIDE an underground bunker; c) a gunshot wound to the face at close range; d) a heroin addiction and a Mexican drug lord’s girlfriend AT THE SAME TIME; e) numerous Tazerings; f) rabies; g) scabies; h) Sherry Palmer; i) the most vapid daughter EVER; j) general unrest; k) acne in his late 20s; l) a father who remade “Invasion of the Body Snatchers”; and m) a massive heart attack while climbing a ladder running after evil people, then update your resume and RUN LIKE HELL! Maybe God’s trying to tell you something. Did anyone notice the frightened “Omigod, he’s immortal!” look on Curtis’ face when Jack emerged unscathed from the plant explosion, carrying Bierko over his shoulder like a bag of cedar chips at PetSmart? They were playing Phoenix-rising-from-the-ashes music, for cryin’ out loud! “Here’s your bad guy, Curtis. Book ‘im!” I keep waiting for Jack to yell “Shazam” and the cartoon mentors come down to plan the next crime-fighting trip in the RV.

3. If you are a woman with a scrawny neck who got her job with the Dept. of Defense through a bad case of nepotism, who happens to fall in love with a coworker who, later on, tortures your current yet estranged somewhat gayish meerkat-looking British husband (not killing him, but electrocuting his pecs with a hotwired electric razor connected to a hotel ice bucket but then leaving him to die on a government agency operating table) and then 18 months later pins you to the wall by the neck like a certain bird eaten mainly at Thanksgiving and sometimes at Easter if the Kroger's out of ham, then RUN LIKE HELL! Consider planning for some not-so-good days during your bound-to-be-volatile marriage, one of which will certainly include a very uncomfortable Sunday afternoon dinner with said coworker, his accident-prone, cougar-attracting daughter and her psychologist/80s movie star boyfriend.

4. Of course, Audrey Raines continues to have that “I’m gonna MARRY that man” glaze over her eyes. I can hear her now at the reception: “Glad you made it! Thanks for toaster #3! Over there, right behind the mixed nuts and the sausage balls is where the ritualistic, execution-style slaying of Jack’s worst enemy is about to start. Hurry! Get a good seat! Sherbet punch, anyone?”

5. Speaking of nutz and balls, I can’t wait to see He Who Has Microscopic Dangling Peas Between His Legs (I think this is President Logan’s Native American name, bestowed upon him at a casino pot luck in New Mexico last July) get what’s coming to him. What’s the government protocol for a fist to the breastbone?

6. If you notice brown spittle on your chin, then don’t run like hell. It’s too late. Lie down like a hobbit; it’ll be over soon.

7. What request can Chloe NOT fulfill?! Can the woman fail once in while?! Okay, Spenser was a slight error in judgment, but other than that . . . C’MON!
“Chloe, I need an infrared scan of my spleen!” “Got it, Jack!”
“Chloe, I need a Doppler satellite read on Bierko’s NetZero bill!” “Got it, Jack!”
“Chloe, I need a double-shot, caramel low-fat latte, hold the cream!” “Got it, Jack!”
“Chloe, I need someone to run the guestbook at my wedding!” “Got it, Audrey! Geez!”
“Chloe, I need a live feed of Cher singing ‘Believe’ up-linked to my PDA!” “Got it, Jack!”
“Chloe, I need a pedicure! NOW! JUST FIGURE IT OUT!” “Got it, Jack!”
“Chloe, I need a box of government cheese, five cans of lite Vienna sausages, a six-pack of Diet Rite Peach, a roll of double-stick tape, and a large female chinchilla delivered to my parents in Encino. That’s Eddie and Betty Bauer.” “Wait, I thought your dad’s name was Ernie.” “CHLOE, WE DON’T HAVE TIME FOR QUESTIONS! Ernie’s his middle name, and yes, he started the clothing store in 1968 when I was three. MY MOM SENDS HER CONDOLENCES ABOUT EDGAR. SHE THOUGHT YOU TWO MADE A GREAT COUPLE!” “But we weren’t . . . Got it, Jack!”

8. If a white UPS-lookin’ truck pulls up into your driveway, and out pours several rebels from an unnamed Russian satellite country, RUN LIKE HELL! They’re not delivering that angora sweater you ordered off e-bay.

9. If you work at a power plant and several rebels from an unnamed Russian satellite country suddenly appear and ask you to lower the pressure so they can spread Sentox nerve gas throughout the city, don’t run like hell! Make up a lame excuse like “Garlic upsets my stomach,” go to the bathroom, and then RUN LIKE HELL!

10. If Jack falls in love with your momma, get used to rejection.

11. Aaron Pierce once again SAVES THE DAY! He just needs to bite the bullet and start wearing a leotard and a cape. “President Pierce” has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?

12. Wayne Palmer misspoke. He was a marine BIOLOGIST, not a marine IN THE MILITARY! He almost blew chow when he had to kill that guy.

13. What about weird Sexual Harassment Chick? Something’s up her sleeve . . . probably a 5-page handwritten complaint about the lascivious, leering, up-and-down, lip-licking way Agent Bauer looks at her when he’s rushing by, saving people.

14. As with life, Homeland Security is evil.

15. Jack seems to know a lot about bullet wounds to the leg, doesn’t he? “Evelyn, the bullet went in through your calf, routed up the line of the femur, skipped over the humerus and chipped your ulna, glanced off the tibia, zipped by your uvula, and exited out the patella. You’ll be fine and won’t be paralyzed. Woulda been better if you’d been shot in the leg above the kneecap, but you weren’t shot by me, so that’s that. It does need attention.” I can hear Betty Bauer now: “At Quantico, Jack made his only B in Advanced Leg-Shooting. We’re SO proud!”

16. Was it me or is Audrey growing some major backbone? STRONG WOMEN ROCK! I’m sure, however, somewhere lurking in Audrey’s head is the same mantra as always: “Hair up? Hair down? Hair up? Hair down? Hair up? Hair down? Hair up?”


Next week: Jack stops by the bank and asks for the free checking deal he saw on TV. Things go awry when he discovers the bank has upped the bounced-check fee from $15 to $25. He shoots the elderly teller in the leg above the kneecap so she won’t be paralyzed and barricades himself behind a pyramid of those tall gold sand-filled ashtrays you see in doctors’ offices and banks, but not before Chloe orders Ren & Stimpy checks.