24: Day Five, 4-5am Jack Bauer Realizes the Tape Recorder Was Pretty Dang Crappy While the First Lady Bags Her First Secret Service Agent (#22)

Let us begin, then, by taking a moment of silence in anticipation of the approaching summer without Jack, Audrey, Mrs. Logan, Curtis Manning, and the Little Hobbit Named McDill.

Can't wait to see the two-hour finale. CAN wait, however, for the season that will become known as Black Hole 2006: The Summer of Bad TV.

What a strange, frustrating little transitional episode.

Viewers may have been left disconcerted as a lot of Jack's options seemed to run out. The tape incriminating Satan was destroyed. He can't kill Henderson just yet, darn it. Oh-So-Hatable Miles Papazian seems to have gotten off scott-free...

...though it was absolutely delightful to see the nasty rat trying to squirm free of Jack's Vulcan death grip.

What will happen to him? Is he just going to wander off, jogging goofily like Tom Hanks in Forrest Gump...


...and then mysteriously end up in a high-level, high-paying position in Logan's refreshed, Palmer-free, CTU-free, Aaron-Pierce-free, Almeida-free, Martha-free, Cummings-free administration? Or will the entire vomitous evil scheme come crumbling down around the blood-stained feet of the President and Dr. Romano's Evil Chamber of Doom?

Who knows? We may see Miles the Stinky Rat next season crapping pellets on everyone's desk and wreaking general havoc on Jack's next endeavor. Until then, I'm puttin' lotsa hate on him. Here's hoping he gets his due.

At least he left with Karen's handprint imprinted across his cheek.


Some observations.

1. Why didn't Evelyn, the First Lady's personal assistant (by now buried deep within some L.A. highway construction project) buy a BETTER TAPE RECORDER?! Why don't these people think ahead?! You'd think the President's California retreat would be well-stocked with top-of-the-line electronic EVERYTHING! But, NOOOOOO! Evelyn had to stop by the K-Mart on the way to record Satan incriminating himself in Palmer's death and pick up a PIECE OF CRAP! One that could EASILY BE ERASED!

2. Notice how the show's producers saved lots of money by not even showing us how Beirko escaped. Of course, all we got was Not-Quite-Expendable Agent Davis surrounded by what looked like an apocalyptic pile of dead bodies and burning debris, talking on his surprisingly sturdy cell phone in great detail: "Yes, thankfully I made it out with nary a scratch and my clear-as-a-bell cell phone. As I lay there in the back of the burned-out Escalade, barely conscious, I was able to make myself more alert by pinching myself enough to make out that they were headed to that big nuclear submarine in dock slot #18. I think. They're taking the Ventura highway. I think. I'll be okay. I think." Amazing government-issue cell-phone, I must say.


3. Meanwhile back at the presidential retreat, Mrs. Logan is having a party trying to toss all those "M&Ms" into her own mouth.


4. And how about that glorious good-vs.-evil showdown between our blessed Aaron Pierce...

...and the Dork-in-Chief?

Aboslutely delightful. Hands bound and weakened by a severe beating, Aaron still had the guts to stand up to the Moron-in-Chief, call him by his FIRST name (PRICELESS!) and say, "A$$hole, I mean, Charles, you are a traitor and a disgrace to the office. Plus, your ballz are really, REALLY tiny. Like minuscule, itty bitty baby English peas."


Aaron Pierce, what a man.

5. Of course, now that Logan has called off Jack's arrest, making him an open target, Jack goes next door to the Acme Tatts and More Tattoo Parlor where Claudia, the only "artist" on duty at this hour, fires up her needle and suggests one of her finest designs.

6. After his bulls-eye tatt dries, Jack is forced to make a deal with Henderson. Making deals is not Jack's strong suit, at this point. But alas, he must do it. Will you LOOK at that jacket Jack is sporting?! And the hair? Egad!

Of course, Jack doesn't want to make a deal because Henderson killed Palmer, and a deal would be a huge insult to Palmer's legacy. This conversation, by the way, prompted me to introduce a new catchphrase into today's lexicon: From now on, before any serious, life-changing decision, we should all ask ourselves: W.W.P.D? What Would Palmer Do? Hey, it might work.

God bless 'im. R.I.P.

7. Jack, along with millions of viewers, is downright itching to kill Henderson. Does he really need a good excuse? Why can't he make up one? How about "Karen, he spilled coffee on my leather bomber jacket. I had to kill him," or "Henderson pooted in the Escalade! I shot him. I had to," or "For God's sake, Karen, he starred in Robocop of all things! It was a mercy killing!"

Apparently Henderson wears a screw-on wig most of the time. Who knew?

8. OH. MY. NERVOUS. SYSTEM. AND. MY. DIGESTIVE. SYSTEM! THE FIRST LADY PACKIN' HEAT! I'M SAYIN' PACKING SOME HEAT!

Well, needless to say, the cat did the wave when THAT happened!

Well, of course, those two little lovebirds are gonna get hitched, you just know it. Sing it with me: "Aaron and Former First Lady Martha Logan, sittin' in a tree, K-I-L-L-I-N-G." They're gonna sneak off and have a quick little wedding and run off behind the shady trees. (sigh)


Okay back to business. Wasn't it GREAT to see that secret service agent get BLOWN AWAY?! Nothing says "love" like killing the guy who was ordered by your husband, the President of the United States of America, to shoot your soon-to-be-lover in the head and dispose of the body in a trunk lined with plastic. Good times.

9. Well, BAD DAY FOR THE CREW OF THE SUBMARINE NATALIA. This can't be good. And just think, those poor guys were all about to call it a night and get breakfast.


Nothing says "death" like having a canister of Sentox nerve gas dropped into your very claustrophobic stuffy submarine...right before you were about to sink your teeth into Triple Hashbrowns--Scattered, Smothered, and Capped.


Oh well, such is life. I mean, death.

Next week on 24:

Jack FINALLY has enough and demands justice by challenging President Logan to...a dance-off.

I have no idea where these Italian and Hispanic guys came from. They just showed up. Anyhoo, President Logan fatally pulls a groin muscle, AND THE WORLD IS SAVED!


And, as the photo indicates, Martha EMMY! Logan pays her last respects to Charles, THE WORST PRESIDENT EVER! and then runs off with Aaron Pierce, who inexplicably now dresses in cashmere trenchcoats and Humphrey Bogart hats. Now part of the Witness Protection Program, they move to Boca Raton and live happily ever after, slightly under the poverty line. Every once in a while, you can spot them hittin' the buffet scene around 4:00 p.m.