24: Day Five, 3-4am Jack Bauer Somehow Lands The Doomed Plane Safely on a Gravel Bicycle Path While the President Poops His Pants (#21)

Well, what can I say?

OH. MY. NERVOUS. SYSTEM!

Unparalleled acting. Superb direction. Flawless editing. Tasty catering. Spot-on background music. Can anything on TV be this perfect?! Well, Lost, probably, but this is basically a 24 blog, not a Lost one.

I must lament briefly that there are only three episodes left: I believe one next week and a 2-hour finale. Then what?

I know EXACTLY where to drown my sorrows:

Soon, my life will be an empty travail of tears. My only companions along the way to Day Six (JANUARY 2007, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!) will be this...


...and this:

...oh yeah! This, too:

This episode WORE ME OUT!

The fanny pack broke my fall, by the way.

Of course, I have a few observations.

1. First, many things seemed to fall into the "But, Of Course!" file. Of course, Secretary "Trout" Heller miraculously survived his car plunging into the river. Thank God he was saved. Here we see him being pulled from the river.

Of course, it just so happens that there's a long stretch of lonely highway near L.A. where Jack and Evans the Cowardly Pilot can handily land the plane.

Was anyone around to see this stray 747 careening toward the earth, 75 feet from the ground?


Of course not! There also happened to be a very convenient curfew, which means no cars were on the aforementioned lonely stretch of highway. Of course, no one thought of the possible Amish commuter who has no TV/radio/computer/newspaper boy/telegraph/megaphone to receive word about said martial law-induced curfew. Here we see Rebekah and Daniel Lapp ducking for cover.

Hey, come to think of it, what are the Lapps doing out so late?! Hmm. A quilting bee gone awry with too much apple cider, I suppose.

Of course, the plane stops just in time before getting its wings ripped off by the narrow confines of the overpass.

Of course, not much roadkill on that lonely stretch of highway, either. Most of the smart animals stayed clear. Most of them, anyway.

2. Speaking of vomitous roadkill, Miles Papazian is a sickening, dirty, brown-nosing pile of putrid filth. On a good day. That rat deserves immediate extermination, or a least a Jack-punch to the sternum.

3. Loved the look on Miles' face when Buchanan AND Chloe marched through CTU unheralded. Poetic, wasn't it? He looked like he had seen a ghost...

...or maybe even that dummy from that Anthony Hopkins movie that gave me nightmares as a kid...

or worse...THIS!


4. Speaking of looks on faces, Logan's face when he realized that the plane didn't get shot down and the plane landed safely on the gravel bicycle path and Jack wasn't found on the plane and Jack had even escaped the military dragnet...PRICELESS. The man started twitching! Who can blame him for getting suicidal? I'm sure he had "Dead Prez walking!" ringing in his ears.


Of course, the whole time, Novick (The Little Doubting Light Bulb That Could), thinks Logan's reactions are quite odd. I was waiting for this conversation:
Novick: Mr. President, Jack's a national hero. Why are you hesitating?
Beelzebub: Because, Mike, I am a ginormous a$$hole.


Novick: Yes, I know, but why are you twitching?
Barney the Satan: Because God may smite me down for being too evil for this world.

Novick: Yes, I know, but are you okay?
TinyTesticles Logan: No, I POOPED MY PANTS!


However, let's not forget who we're dealing with here. Yes, he seriously entertained eating a bullet, but thanks to the ever-present, always-working telephones on this show and that vile, a$$-kissing rat Miles, the President is a new man! Why, he rose like a phoenix from the ashes when he realized he had a new lease on life...


And where were the President's secret service guys when he was getting all Fourth-of-July, Harry-Potter Wizardish on us? Luring the First Lady into a locked chamber using a Zoloft dangling from a stick, of course.


You know, our children can learn a lot from this show. I mean, most of 'em know the standard stuff: Don't talk to strangers; learn your street address; learn how to dial 9-1-1, your home phone number, your daddy's office number, and the 1-800 number to your step-mom's tanning salon; and don't start smoking until you're at least 14.


Here's another lesson for the little ones: it's one thing if your illustrious President is a bumbling, yet affable, basically likable, slightly uninformed doddering old goofball...

...However, if he changes into this overnight...

...kids, RUN LIKE HELL! AND GET YOUR PARENTS TO VOTE FOR THE OTHER PARTY! The Prez looks a little sleep-deprived, don't he?

Of course, Miles expects Logan to repay him by placing him high within the presidential inner circle. Little does he know exactly what the only available opening is right now. He'll get plenty of training, I'm sure...


5. Best zinger of the night: when Martha EMMY! Logan said to King Charles the Soulless: "I had no idea you were such a good liar. If I wasn't so horrified by the fact that I married you, I might actually be impressed." OUCH! Lovely. Absolutely lovely.

Hmm. Amazing what Botox and a new 'do will do.

6. Let's not forget the biggest question of the night: Who are Graham Cracker and his cohorts? Big oil? Big business? Big buttheads? Here's hoping we don't have to wait the entire summer to find out. But don't they look despicable? I HATE THEM!

7. Back to Karen. Has anyone in this stupid organization ever heard of WHISPERING?! Geez!


It's that thing you do when you DON'T WANT SOMEONE ELSE TO HEAR YOU! She basically took a megaphone and broadcast all her conversations with Chloe and Buchanan to the world! And what's up with that ridiculous "Miles has always been loyal to me" crap? Isn't it obvious he was raised by rats in a landfill?

Do Karen and Miles have some checkered romantic past? To stifle my burgeoning rage over Miles and his evil, smarmy ways, I just pictured him and Karen expressing their true feelings under the stairwell. Napes and bosoms! EW!

8. Was it just me or was anyone else weirded out by Jack's fondling and kissing of Audrey's knees? C'mon! Jack cracks sternums and goes undercover and gets addicted to heroin in Mexican drug cartels and puts decapitated heads in bowling ball bags and shoots women in the leg above the kneecap so they won't be permanently paralyzed.

Hmm. Amazing what Botox and a new 'do will do.

He does NOT fondle and kiss knees! It's gotta be written down somewhere in the CTU by-laws. THAT AIN'T RIGHT!

9. Once again, Curtis Manning comes through with flying colors. The man can do no wrong. Let's just hope he survives the episode. Here we see Curtis mesmerizing the Marines with a Jedi/Vulcan mind trick.

Next week on 24:

1. The President and the Bloodied, Yet Gloriously Not-Dead Aaron Pierce have a showdown. "You're not worthy to hold the office!" Salivating over that one!

Chloe downloads the tape incriminating President Logan in the assassination of President Palmer. Much to everyone's shock, the file has been replaced with this image...

...backed by a continuous loop of "You Can't Touch This."

Hmm. Amazing what Botox and a new 'do will do.

Chloe screams and faints while Karen, Jack, Audrey, Buchanan, and Curtis are tied up by Miles in the CTU commissary. The President laughs maniacally while Jack starts to curse loudly.