24: Day Five, 6-7am No, Wait, THIS Is the One Where the President Poops Himself! (Season Finale: Part Two, #24)

The observations continue!

6. Now, as we established in the previous blog, Martha EMMY! Logan, our beloved, former drug-abusing, now high-on-life First Lady deserves a statue next to the Lincoln Memorial for making the ultimate sacrifice. She capped off the 5-6 hour by...by...omigod, I can barely utter the words without my Lean Cuisine enchiladas being vurped* up to the back of my throat...by KNOCKING BOOTS WITH SATAN HIMSELF!


*For a definition of "vurp," please see episode #23 blog.

If WE thought it was bad to watch, you can just imagine actually DOING it. You could see the look of disgust on her face, the utter revulsion. The pig-ba$tard jowls, the flapping elderly chapped lips...

In his mind, it was a type of triumph, I'm sure. Well, it was worth a DOUBLE UGH and a TRIPLE VURP!

That poor woman...

The First Lady's only solace was that the "incident," the "drive-by shagging," the "bumping uglies with Pig-Ba$tard-in-Chief" (whatever you wanna call it) probably lasted, oh, three minutes, tops?

7. Once again, Jack does a Broadway-style costume change and sneaks onto the president's helicopter, Marine 666. If it's so easy to sneak onto diplomatic flights and presidential helicopters, WHY AREN'T MORE PEOPLE DOING IT?! I mean, all it takes is one of these...

...a discreet headset...

...and a nifty jumpsuit!


8. If sneaking onto Marine 666 weren't enough, Jack takes Beelzebub to an abandoned warehouse and handcuffs him to a pole and tries to force him to tell the truth. Okay, let's get a show of hands: how many of you wish this would happen to the REAL president?

Praise Jesus, what an overwhelming response! Alrighty, then...

9. I'm telling you, the scene where Jack confronts Lucifer was the second-most riveting of the night.
Jack: Mr. Flappy Jowls TinyBallz, I want you to confess to approving the murder of President David Palmer, and being culpable in the deaths of Tony Almeda, Michelle Dessler, Edgar the Chubby Computer Guy, and Olo Foxburr of Loamsdown, the Dead CTU Hobbit, and the attempted murder of Chloe O'Brien. And now I'm beginning to wonder about Jimmy Hoffa...

Beelzebub: But, Jack, I'm handcuffed to a pole like a common stripper, of which I've seen many. Jimmy who?

Jack: I DON'T CARE! I have nothing to lose. I WILL kill you. Jimmy HOFFA, you moron.
Lord of the Flies: But, see, I'm on camera, and I haven't brushed my teeth, heh, heh...C'mon, Jack...there's $75 in my wallet. Take it and we'll pretend this little confrontation never happened. There you go, go buy yourself a nice watch at Dillard's. Jimmy Hoffa? Still not making the connection...
Jack: TELL ME THE TRUTH, YOU BA$TARD! YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY!

So, then, of course, Jack pulls out the gun and can't bring himself to do it, much to our collective dismay, even though we all know he could've done it and told everyone the little pipsqueak died of a heart attack stepping out of the helicopter and no, we don't know where the three bullet wounds to his head came from!


You know, Jack does that a lot: he gets very close to blowing bad guys away or ripping out their throats and then backs down at the last minute. Of course, Jack knows best, but the audience wants a primetime bloodbath revengeful enough to last us through the Summer of Bad TV. You know, just once, Jack needs to say "Ahh, screw it. I'm giving you exactly what you deserve--a raspberry to the belly!"


10. For sure, THE most riveting scene of the finale: The Logans in the Hangar. But first, they had to wheel our beloved president David Palmer's casket across the tarmac. Got me a little verklempt, I must say. You know, I had this very tiny hope that somehow Palmer's death had been faked to ferret out the conspirators, but alas, he's probably really dead. Gonna miss the ol' insurance salesman.


And THEN, to have ol' Lucifer Turkeybutt himself inappropriately burst out of the helicopter waving all Nixony-like as if it were a July 4th photo-op.

Uggghh. The bile rose up in my throat like a shiny new vurp. And THEN, after EMMY! loses all composure, that S.O.B. had the NERVE to take her into a hangar and slap the Botox out of her!

Little Pig-Ba$tard!

Ahh, yes, but then, the moment millions had been waiting for. Thanks to our dear little socially inept Chloe...

(looks awfully excited, doesn't she?)...Barney Beelzebub's world collapses around him.

Other than seeing Jack blow him away in some remote, forgotten warehouse and leaving his body in a dumpster to be ravaged by vermin, wasn't it the NEXT BEST THING?!

The sickly, "I think I'm poopin' on myself" look on his face seared in our collective TV memories FOREVER! WOO HOO! Not to mention the look of triumph on Mrs. Logan's face. Now she can get down to business!


You GO, Mrs. First Lady! You GO, Aaron Pierce, Secret Agent Man! Hmm. Aparently three weeks of baking himself silly in the Boca Raton sun turned Aaron into Dennis Farina. Shame, really.

Households across the globe did their own little mini-waves!

It was just so friggin' poetic.


11. Of course, then came the prerequisite tying up of loose ends.

President Satan Logan will now come to embrace life as the most disgraced President ever.

Karen Hayes and Bob Buchanan begin to kindle the embers of passion, with a breakfast date at Denny's. Karen takes a raincheck...because it was a breakfast date at Denny's.

Nice pleated khakis, kids.

L.A. begins to bury its CTU dead.

Chloe actually starts to show a little vulnerability...


And still, no one has any idea where Wayne Palmer is...


Well, I guess that's the end of Season Five, except for one last tiny detail...JACK IS BEING KIDNAPPED TO CHINA! WHAT THE...?! WILL IT NEVER END?!


Audrey Raines, that poor little stork, is once again left to live life without her deeply troubled timebomb of a man...

...while Jack learns what it's actually like to be on a real-life SLOW BOAT TO CHINA!

Ever loyal and ever industrious, Curtis Manning and Chloe O'Brien get to work immediately on a plan to bring Jack back to safety.


Next season on 24:

Jack puts his undercover skills to the test to beat seemingly insurmountable odds!

Letting the other chefs bicker over the bok choi, Jack discreetly steps toward the tofu aisle...TO FREEDOM!

Enjoy the summer, Jackheads! Until January 2007!