24: Day Six JACK BITES A GUY'S NECK OFF!

Well, a new day dawns over Los Angeles, and Jack Bauer, disguised as either Grizzly Adams or a homeless guy named Arnie, is called upon to KICK SOME TERRORIST A$$!

Woo hoo! A new day deserves a new blog! Click Day Six and let the mayhem begin!

24: Day Five, 6-7am No, Wait, THIS Is the One Where the President Poops Himself! (Season Finale: Part Two, #24)

The observations continue!

6. Now, as we established in the previous blog, Martha EMMY! Logan, our beloved, former drug-abusing, now high-on-life First Lady deserves a statue next to the Lincoln Memorial for making the ultimate sacrifice. She capped off the 5-6 hour by...by...omigod, I can barely utter the words without my Lean Cuisine enchiladas being vurped* up to the back of my throat...by KNOCKING BOOTS WITH SATAN HIMSELF!


*For a definition of "vurp," please see episode #23 blog.

If WE thought it was bad to watch, you can just imagine actually DOING it. You could see the look of disgust on her face, the utter revulsion. The pig-ba$tard jowls, the flapping elderly chapped lips...

In his mind, it was a type of triumph, I'm sure. Well, it was worth a DOUBLE UGH and a TRIPLE VURP!

That poor woman...

The First Lady's only solace was that the "incident," the "drive-by shagging," the "bumping uglies with Pig-Ba$tard-in-Chief" (whatever you wanna call it) probably lasted, oh, three minutes, tops?

7. Once again, Jack does a Broadway-style costume change and sneaks onto the president's helicopter, Marine 666. If it's so easy to sneak onto diplomatic flights and presidential helicopters, WHY AREN'T MORE PEOPLE DOING IT?! I mean, all it takes is one of these...

...a discreet headset...

...and a nifty jumpsuit!


8. If sneaking onto Marine 666 weren't enough, Jack takes Beelzebub to an abandoned warehouse and handcuffs him to a pole and tries to force him to tell the truth. Okay, let's get a show of hands: how many of you wish this would happen to the REAL president?

Praise Jesus, what an overwhelming response! Alrighty, then...

9. I'm telling you, the scene where Jack confronts Lucifer was the second-most riveting of the night.
Jack: Mr. Flappy Jowls TinyBallz, I want you to confess to approving the murder of President David Palmer, and being culpable in the deaths of Tony Almeda, Michelle Dessler, Edgar the Chubby Computer Guy, and Olo Foxburr of Loamsdown, the Dead CTU Hobbit, and the attempted murder of Chloe O'Brien. And now I'm beginning to wonder about Jimmy Hoffa...

Beelzebub: But, Jack, I'm handcuffed to a pole like a common stripper, of which I've seen many. Jimmy who?

Jack: I DON'T CARE! I have nothing to lose. I WILL kill you. Jimmy HOFFA, you moron.
Lord of the Flies: But, see, I'm on camera, and I haven't brushed my teeth, heh, heh...C'mon, Jack...there's $75 in my wallet. Take it and we'll pretend this little confrontation never happened. There you go, go buy yourself a nice watch at Dillard's. Jimmy Hoffa? Still not making the connection...
Jack: TELL ME THE TRUTH, YOU BA$TARD! YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY!

So, then, of course, Jack pulls out the gun and can't bring himself to do it, much to our collective dismay, even though we all know he could've done it and told everyone the little pipsqueak died of a heart attack stepping out of the helicopter and no, we don't know where the three bullet wounds to his head came from!


You know, Jack does that a lot: he gets very close to blowing bad guys away or ripping out their throats and then backs down at the last minute. Of course, Jack knows best, but the audience wants a primetime bloodbath revengeful enough to last us through the Summer of Bad TV. You know, just once, Jack needs to say "Ahh, screw it. I'm giving you exactly what you deserve--a raspberry to the belly!"


10. For sure, THE most riveting scene of the finale: The Logans in the Hangar. But first, they had to wheel our beloved president David Palmer's casket across the tarmac. Got me a little verklempt, I must say. You know, I had this very tiny hope that somehow Palmer's death had been faked to ferret out the conspirators, but alas, he's probably really dead. Gonna miss the ol' insurance salesman.


And THEN, to have ol' Lucifer Turkeybutt himself inappropriately burst out of the helicopter waving all Nixony-like as if it were a July 4th photo-op.

Uggghh. The bile rose up in my throat like a shiny new vurp. And THEN, after EMMY! loses all composure, that S.O.B. had the NERVE to take her into a hangar and slap the Botox out of her!

Little Pig-Ba$tard!

Ahh, yes, but then, the moment millions had been waiting for. Thanks to our dear little socially inept Chloe...

(looks awfully excited, doesn't she?)...Barney Beelzebub's world collapses around him.

Other than seeing Jack blow him away in some remote, forgotten warehouse and leaving his body in a dumpster to be ravaged by vermin, wasn't it the NEXT BEST THING?!

The sickly, "I think I'm poopin' on myself" look on his face seared in our collective TV memories FOREVER! WOO HOO! Not to mention the look of triumph on Mrs. Logan's face. Now she can get down to business!


You GO, Mrs. First Lady! You GO, Aaron Pierce, Secret Agent Man! Hmm. Aparently three weeks of baking himself silly in the Boca Raton sun turned Aaron into Dennis Farina. Shame, really.

Households across the globe did their own little mini-waves!

It was just so friggin' poetic.


11. Of course, then came the prerequisite tying up of loose ends.

President Satan Logan will now come to embrace life as the most disgraced President ever.

Karen Hayes and Bob Buchanan begin to kindle the embers of passion, with a breakfast date at Denny's. Karen takes a raincheck...because it was a breakfast date at Denny's.

Nice pleated khakis, kids.

L.A. begins to bury its CTU dead.

Chloe actually starts to show a little vulnerability...


And still, no one has any idea where Wayne Palmer is...


Well, I guess that's the end of Season Five, except for one last tiny detail...JACK IS BEING KIDNAPPED TO CHINA! WHAT THE...?! WILL IT NEVER END?!


Audrey Raines, that poor little stork, is once again left to live life without her deeply troubled timebomb of a man...

...while Jack learns what it's actually like to be on a real-life SLOW BOAT TO CHINA!

Ever loyal and ever industrious, Curtis Manning and Chloe O'Brien get to work immediately on a plan to bring Jack back to safety.


Next season on 24:

Jack puts his undercover skills to the test to beat seemingly insurmountable odds!

Letting the other chefs bicker over the bok choi, Jack discreetly steps toward the tofu aisle...TO FREEDOM!

Enjoy the summer, Jackheads! Until January 2007!

24: Day Five, 4-5am Jack Bauer Realizes the Tape Recorder Was Pretty Dang Crappy While the First Lady Bags Her First Secret Service Agent (#22)

Let us begin, then, by taking a moment of silence in anticipation of the approaching summer without Jack, Audrey, Mrs. Logan, Curtis Manning, and the Little Hobbit Named McDill.

Can't wait to see the two-hour finale. CAN wait, however, for the season that will become known as Black Hole 2006: The Summer of Bad TV.

What a strange, frustrating little transitional episode.

Viewers may have been left disconcerted as a lot of Jack's options seemed to run out. The tape incriminating Satan was destroyed. He can't kill Henderson just yet, darn it. Oh-So-Hatable Miles Papazian seems to have gotten off scott-free...

...though it was absolutely delightful to see the nasty rat trying to squirm free of Jack's Vulcan death grip.

What will happen to him? Is he just going to wander off, jogging goofily like Tom Hanks in Forrest Gump...


...and then mysteriously end up in a high-level, high-paying position in Logan's refreshed, Palmer-free, CTU-free, Aaron-Pierce-free, Almeida-free, Martha-free, Cummings-free administration? Or will the entire vomitous evil scheme come crumbling down around the blood-stained feet of the President and Dr. Romano's Evil Chamber of Doom?

Who knows? We may see Miles the Stinky Rat next season crapping pellets on everyone's desk and wreaking general havoc on Jack's next endeavor. Until then, I'm puttin' lotsa hate on him. Here's hoping he gets his due.

At least he left with Karen's handprint imprinted across his cheek.


Some observations.

1. Why didn't Evelyn, the First Lady's personal assistant (by now buried deep within some L.A. highway construction project) buy a BETTER TAPE RECORDER?! Why don't these people think ahead?! You'd think the President's California retreat would be well-stocked with top-of-the-line electronic EVERYTHING! But, NOOOOOO! Evelyn had to stop by the K-Mart on the way to record Satan incriminating himself in Palmer's death and pick up a PIECE OF CRAP! One that could EASILY BE ERASED!

2. Notice how the show's producers saved lots of money by not even showing us how Beirko escaped. Of course, all we got was Not-Quite-Expendable Agent Davis surrounded by what looked like an apocalyptic pile of dead bodies and burning debris, talking on his surprisingly sturdy cell phone in great detail: "Yes, thankfully I made it out with nary a scratch and my clear-as-a-bell cell phone. As I lay there in the back of the burned-out Escalade, barely conscious, I was able to make myself more alert by pinching myself enough to make out that they were headed to that big nuclear submarine in dock slot #18. I think. They're taking the Ventura highway. I think. I'll be okay. I think." Amazing government-issue cell-phone, I must say.


3. Meanwhile back at the presidential retreat, Mrs. Logan is having a party trying to toss all those "M&Ms" into her own mouth.


4. And how about that glorious good-vs.-evil showdown between our blessed Aaron Pierce...

...and the Dork-in-Chief?

Aboslutely delightful. Hands bound and weakened by a severe beating, Aaron still had the guts to stand up to the Moron-in-Chief, call him by his FIRST name (PRICELESS!) and say, "A$$hole, I mean, Charles, you are a traitor and a disgrace to the office. Plus, your ballz are really, REALLY tiny. Like minuscule, itty bitty baby English peas."


Aaron Pierce, what a man.

5. Of course, now that Logan has called off Jack's arrest, making him an open target, Jack goes next door to the Acme Tatts and More Tattoo Parlor where Claudia, the only "artist" on duty at this hour, fires up her needle and suggests one of her finest designs.

6. After his bulls-eye tatt dries, Jack is forced to make a deal with Henderson. Making deals is not Jack's strong suit, at this point. But alas, he must do it. Will you LOOK at that jacket Jack is sporting?! And the hair? Egad!

Of course, Jack doesn't want to make a deal because Henderson killed Palmer, and a deal would be a huge insult to Palmer's legacy. This conversation, by the way, prompted me to introduce a new catchphrase into today's lexicon: From now on, before any serious, life-changing decision, we should all ask ourselves: W.W.P.D? What Would Palmer Do? Hey, it might work.

God bless 'im. R.I.P.

7. Jack, along with millions of viewers, is downright itching to kill Henderson. Does he really need a good excuse? Why can't he make up one? How about "Karen, he spilled coffee on my leather bomber jacket. I had to kill him," or "Henderson pooted in the Escalade! I shot him. I had to," or "For God's sake, Karen, he starred in Robocop of all things! It was a mercy killing!"

Apparently Henderson wears a screw-on wig most of the time. Who knew?

8. OH. MY. NERVOUS. SYSTEM. AND. MY. DIGESTIVE. SYSTEM! THE FIRST LADY PACKIN' HEAT! I'M SAYIN' PACKING SOME HEAT!

Well, needless to say, the cat did the wave when THAT happened!

Well, of course, those two little lovebirds are gonna get hitched, you just know it. Sing it with me: "Aaron and Former First Lady Martha Logan, sittin' in a tree, K-I-L-L-I-N-G." They're gonna sneak off and have a quick little wedding and run off behind the shady trees. (sigh)


Okay back to business. Wasn't it GREAT to see that secret service agent get BLOWN AWAY?! Nothing says "love" like killing the guy who was ordered by your husband, the President of the United States of America, to shoot your soon-to-be-lover in the head and dispose of the body in a trunk lined with plastic. Good times.

9. Well, BAD DAY FOR THE CREW OF THE SUBMARINE NATALIA. This can't be good. And just think, those poor guys were all about to call it a night and get breakfast.


Nothing says "death" like having a canister of Sentox nerve gas dropped into your very claustrophobic stuffy submarine...right before you were about to sink your teeth into Triple Hashbrowns--Scattered, Smothered, and Capped.


Oh well, such is life. I mean, death.

Next week on 24:

Jack FINALLY has enough and demands justice by challenging President Logan to...a dance-off.

I have no idea where these Italian and Hispanic guys came from. They just showed up. Anyhoo, President Logan fatally pulls a groin muscle, AND THE WORLD IS SAVED!


And, as the photo indicates, Martha EMMY! Logan pays her last respects to Charles, THE WORST PRESIDENT EVER! and then runs off with Aaron Pierce, who inexplicably now dresses in cashmere trenchcoats and Humphrey Bogart hats. Now part of the Witness Protection Program, they move to Boca Raton and live happily ever after, slightly under the poverty line. Every once in a while, you can spot them hittin' the buffet scene around 4:00 p.m.