Tuesday, April 25, 2006

24: Day Five, 1-2am Jack Bauer Basically Causes William Devane to Drive His Car Over a Cliff (#19)

Wow. I know I always say this, but last night’s episode was jaw-dropping.

It was so good, it seems almost a sacrilege to make fun of it, but I’ll do it anyway.

Remember folks, only FIVE EPISODES LEFT! What to do?! We're gonna have the "Bauerless Blues," the "Jack-drawals," the "24 Twitches." What an awful summer it will be! Alas, I believe this is a good time to start drinking and/or smoking. Our sorrows must be drowned somehow.

Onto the show!

My observations:
1. FOR GOD’S SAKE, THE PHONE! SOMEONE KILL THE STUPID OVERLY LOUD PHONE! C’mon! Do we, as viewers, constantly have to be reminded that Jack is receiving calls from Bob Buchanan, Chloe O’Brien, Audrey Raines, and Secretary “The Trout” Heller?

We know that dang phone is ringing, and yes, we could even believe that he SETS IT ON VIBRATE, SO THE BAD GUYS WON’T HEAR IT! After all, it's a highly advanced state-of-the-art piece of technology. It even has a crayon for an antenna.

I kept expecting Expendable Truck Driver #4 to scratch his chin and say, “Was that a phone I heard? It sounded like it came from...ON TOP OF MY TRUCK! But how could that be? Must’ve been a wind chime or a very clever mockingbird or the radio, but it was definitely not a guy in a Gap hoodie on top of my Diplomatic Milk Truck." I’m convinced, by the way, that the truck was carrying some of that new-fangled fake milk made out of pinto beans, NOT fuel, and Bill Buchanan was behind the scenes screaming to some CTU agent: "DELAY THE FAKE MILK! DELAY THE FAKE MILK!"

2. Back to Heller the Trout. I'm not convinced he's dead. If he can punch Jack's esophagus Navy SEAL-style, then he can hold his breath, retrieve his beloved iPod from the coin tray, shoot like a harp seal to the surface, and call Jack on his waterproof Motorola phone. You know, he really needs to stop sacrificing himself for our country. It upsets Audrey.

Speaking of Audrey, my estimation of her, both as a character and as an actress (Kim Raver) has done a 180. I was salivating for her to blow Henderson's head off, but she didn't, so to satisfy my bloodlust, I switched over to E's True Hollywood Story about Todd Bridges.

Not really. Seriously, Audrey has turned into a real bulldog. I think I'm a little scared of her, which is a good thing (to echo Martha Stewart)! She looks angry, or at least a little hungry.

3. What in the HECK is Dr. Romano from ER doing heading up some secret society that has President Logan by his itty bitty gonads? By the way, the official 24 episode guide refers to his character as "a power broker named Graham." His last name is "Cracker," I'm sure.

Though he indeed has the capacity for evil, shouldn't he instead be operating on a GSW to the pyloric valve or dancing on top of a 1980 Ford LTD in very tapered acid-washed jeans? Oh well, boy's gotta eat.

4. Was it just us, or did anyone else scream "CASTRATE THE BA$TARD" when President Logan tried to keep Martha "EMMY!" Logan quiet. She could use these...

or this...

or even these...

I suggest this to make it ESPECIALLY painful!

The BEST lines of the evening came straight out of Martha "EMMY!" Logan's mouth: "Charles, THE COUNTRY DOESN'T DESERVE TO SUFFER...but you do." I stood up and did a cartwheel. Ripped my Spandex shorts. Pulled a groin muscle, too.

And you could just see the EVIL in President Logan's leering face. I HATE 'IM!

5. I CANNOT praise Curtis enough! Everybody owes him at least a free lunch, especially Audrey. Here Curtis takes control, even silencing a nearby yapping Chihuahua.

6. It's good to see Karen's confidence start to wane. She's actually beginning to second-guess herself. Of course, hers is a government job, so the minute she starts to think for herself, speak up, or disobey an executive mandate, it's over. And what about that rat-a$$ punk Miles?! What a fawning, "pet-my-head" evil-doer! After this long day is over, I'm sure Miles and Karen both will be reprimanded or worse, demoted.

7. Ever notice that all this shooting, torturing, and political intrigue happens in the MIDDLE OF NOWHERE?! Just once, I'd like to see a farmer come out of his outhouse, mad as a hornet, waving his corncob, screaming, "WHAT IN THE TARNATION IS GOIN' ON OUT HERE?! DON'T BE SHOOTIN' AT THE LADIES! Y'ALL GET OFFA MY PROPERTY AFORE I GIT THE PO-LEESE ON YER A$$!"

But no, Jack and Friends always manage to find an abandoned farmhouse with nooks and crannies aplenty or, as Roger Ebert calls them, mysterious Steam and Flame factories, where no one works, yet Steam and Flame are produced regularly, in vast quantities. In fact, it reminds me of a little place that happens to be right behind my house. If you look closely, you can spot my hoodless car. Good times.

8. Finally, we must answer Red Hot Mama's question posted on the 12-1am blog. She asks "Where the heck is Wayne Palmer?" By the way, RHM, you'll live on in infamy (and in my heart) as my VERY FIRST BLOG COMMENT! Woo hoo! Thank you! I don't know exactly where he is, but I'll hazard a guess.

Paul Raines Alert:
By the way, just saw James Frain, the actor who played Paul Raines last season, on a promo for Invasion. Hmm. Who knew? There IS work to be found for meerkats who aren't gay, just British.

Next week: Chloe becomes head of CTU. Up in the cargo hold, Jack legally changes his name to "Hijack," steals undercover clothes from the luggage, and climbs up through a mysterious convenient panel in the floor, ending up in the lavatory. He takes over the plane, shooting out the screen right in the middle of Legally Blonde 2. Very accustomed to bad service and random gunfire, the passengers ignore him, thinking he's another disgruntled Delta employee. Soon they start demanding Bloody Marys and trail mix. Jack shoots the pilot in the leg above the kneecap for not helping make coffee. Omigosh, you can barely tell it's him!

Monday, April 17, 2006

24: Day Five, 12-1am Jack Bauer Gets His Girlfriend Hurt Like a Stuck Pig (#18)

I said a little prayer after tonight's episode. I prayed "Dear Lord, keep my nervous system intact because I CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE EPISODES LIKE THAT!"


I was left speechless. Just speechless. Amazing.

Just a few observations.

1. I believe the phrase "Pig Bastard" was uttered several times at various volumes last night at our house. During the previews for next week, it was actually screamed. Satan is alive and lives at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue!

2. Bill Buchanan is not out of the picture. Woo hoo! When Chloe "Walking Acid Reflux" O'Brien met up with him, I was VERY glad not to hear: "Chloe, now that Spenser's out of the way, and Edgar (may he r.i.p) and Tony Almeda and Lynn McDill (aka Minto Sandybanks of Frogmorton) and that guard with the red shirt...TAKE ME! I'M YOURS!"

3. Speaking of Chloe: God bless her little ferret-like features! I have to admit that I kept expecting her to give old Miss "Fake Sexual Harassment Claims" a quick crack to the sternum. We know that Chloe has it in her to pull out all the stops if necessary. Remember when she went all Terminator 3 on some bad guy's butt last season? And did you notice? They actually gave her Mission: Impossible-type music? How cool was that?! And somewhere, somehow, she also learned how to pick pockets. I'd like to think she picked up that skill playing the Artful Dodger in a summer production of Oliver! Maybe not.

4. Was it me or did Aaron and EMMY! Logan need to turn on the A/C?! Or at least the fan! Yowza! There's a whole lotta of fireworks goin ' on there! When Aaron said, "Not here. Out by the stable," I thought the old guy was gonna show up in his tighty-whities, dark support hose, K-Mart sandals, and a riding whip. Egad! I tell you one thing, IF THEY DID ANYTHING TO OUR AARON, THERE'LL BE HELL TO PAY! Something's rotten in southern California. Perhaps the same cougar that threatened Kimberley (the Daughter Jack Never Really Wanted) ate Aaron, leaving the phone behind to scare Mrs. Logan! I mean, cats don't really have opposable thumbs; they don’t need phones. Makes sense.

5. I let out a big sigh of relief when Mr. Lightbulb Head got suspicious and started questioning Satan. I really thought Mike may have had a hand in the conspiracy. Thankfully, he's just slightly weasly. You know, EMMY Logan's not the only one with ballz of brass around there.

6. You know, I wonder if the REAL Secretary of Defense knows how to crush a guy's esophagus? I was like, "Wut up wit dat?" when Secretary Heller gave Jack a tracheotomy in about 2 seconds. And Jack wasn't prepared? C'mon? He's Immortal Jack, come from DonaldsutherLand to save us all!

7. The scenes with William Devane in Satan's office were superb. You know, Gregory Itzin's portrayal of the Lord of the Flies really deserves an Emmy. He really has garnered our hatred of that character. "And the Emmy goes to...BEELZEBUB! "I'd like to thank all the little demons who made this possible..." And then there was Devane's refusal to shake hands. PERFECT! "I don't shake hands with...SATAN!" And also "Your chair is not a throne! It's the mahogany DESK OF SATAN, complete with SATAN'S LETTER OPENER and SATAN'S STAPLER!" And then Devane all bewildered looking and saying to the Veep, "But that guy's SATAN! Can't you smell the stench? See his little horns, dirty snout, beady eyes, and long forked tail?! For God's sake, Vice President Moron (I mean, Gardner), this isn't HALLOWEEN!! Take a look-see! Underneath those $800 wingtips are SATAN'S ARGYLE SOCKS OVER SATAN'S CLOVEN HOOVES!"

8. Of course, Jack Bauer, the MacGuyver of Federal Agents, gets Audrey Storkneck and himself out of a fix without batting an eyelash. I thought he was gonna stand on her shoulders, ruining the white cashmere jacket, but no, he just happened to have ladder-type things on the wall to help him up to the pipe blatantly labeled "CAUTION: HOT PIPE HOT ENOUGH NOT ONLY TO BURN SKIN BUT ALSO TO BURN THROUGH STANDARD GOVERNMENT-ISSUE PVC HANDCUFFS. WARNING: BURN OFF HARDPLASTIC HANDCUFFS AT YOUR OWN RISK!"

9. I'd have to argue that the Bleeding Like a Stuck Pig scene was about the most riveting scene of the evening. As much flack as I've given her, I wasn't ready to see Audrey bite the dust. "Uhh, Jack, I really like the cashmere jacket you gave me, but I think I'll need to take it to the drycleaners! Bad, BAD PAPERCUT! We might have to postpone the wedding. At least if I lose this arm, I'll match Chase (if he's even invited)." TV at its best!

10. I think for future episodes, they ought to superimpose big neon yellow arrows that say "Expendable Soon-to-Be Dead Guy." When Jack and that other agent hid behind the airplane tires, I thought, "Yep, we all know Jack ain't gonna be the one that goes to the big briefing in the sky." Poor guy, but at least the actor got his SAG card.

11. Best line of the evening: "Our government has no integrity!" Tell us something we DON'T know!

Next week: Was it me or is Dr. Romano (the mean bald doctor) from E.R. gonna be in next week's episode? It sure looked like him.

Anyhoo, next week: Jack and Henderson spend the ENTIRE episode shooting at each other from point-blank range inside a black Escalade while everyone else waits outside for it to be over. Audrey accidentally loses her tourniquet and calls the wedding off. Aaron buys a silk smoking jacket and some clove cigarettes for his date with Mrs. Logan. Chloe and Bill Buchanan go to a Denny's. Secretary Heller runs off to Congress to start debate on how satanic a president has to be before we actually send him packing. Meanwhile, Curtis Manning's inherent goodness causes Satan to melt into a puddle of smelly lard.

Friday, April 14, 2006

24: Day Five, 11pm-12am Jack Bauer Gets a Bank Manager Killed After Assuring Him He Would Be Okay (#17)

Can I say that Monday’s episode KICKED BOO-TAY! It’s sad to think of the season coming to an end, isn’t it? Only seven episodes left for Jack to give President Logan a BRAND-NEW ORIFICE!

My observations, fellow Jackophiles.

1. The cheap motel industry was given a shot in the arm, thanks to this episode. Poor Evelyn, shot in the leg with nowhere nice to go.
Jack: Put her on the bed. NOW! I DON’T HAVE TIME TO EXPLAIN!!
Wayne Palmer: Geez, Jack, what’s to explain? It’s just a bed.
Evelyn: Will I be paralyzed?
Jack: NO! You will NOT be paralyzed! DAMMIT! I wish I had shot you! We wouldn’t be here right now!
Evelyn’s daughter (unnamed, so let’s call her STUPID FOR CALLING 9-1-1!): You know, just because you SAY my mom’s okay doesn’t mean she’s actually okay! You have a messiah complex.
Wayne Palmer: Lil’ girl. How do you even know what a messiah complex is? You’re eight.
Stupid For Calling 9-1-1: HELLO! There’s the thing called the INTERNET! Geez.
Evelyn: Uhh, back to me, guys. My leg is burning like fire. Like a disco inferno. It feels like the funk is flamin’ outta control.
Jack: That means THE INFECTION IS SPREADING! We need help. STAT!
Wayne Palmer: Why, on God’s green earth, do you have to scream everything? Hey, look. This is one of those vibrator beds. I’ve got quarters, too! (sound of coins falling like in a vending machine. Bed starts vibrating violently)
Stupid for Calling 9-1-1: I’m getting scared. MOMMY!
Wayne Palmer: Hey, lil’ girl, you sound like you’re talking through a fan. Let me try it. Lalalalalalala! Wheeeeeeeeee! Luke, I’m your fawthuh! Oh, we gonna rock down to Electric Avenue. And then we’ll take it higher! Watch this: I can do “The Robot.” This Super 8 ROCKS!
Jack: Listen, Evelyn and Stupid for Calling 9-1-1, Wayne and I have to go. It’s not safe to take you to a public hospital. If only we were in a small town where the only doctor is also mayor, basketball coach, veterinarian, and village harlot. But, alas, we aren’t, so we’re SCREWED. Don’t do anything ‘til we get back. Everything’s gonna be okay.
Stupid for Calling 9-1-1: Okay, my a$$!

2. Speaking of Stupid for Calling 9-1-1: did she not LISTEN when they taught her about 9-1-1 in school?! She apparently was playing paper/scissors/rock or text-messaging her grandma when she missed the part about how 9-1-1 is for all emergencies EXCEPT when you’re trapped at the Motel 6 and the recently assassinated president’s brother is there bouncing around on the vibrating bed and some control freak of a secret agent is using Kleenex and a travel-size mouthwash to sterilize your mom’s gaping leg wound.

3. I have to wonder if Our Man Jack can really be trusted with anything more than, say, a bowl of cereal or a bag of lawn clippings. Anything living or breathing associated with him ends up shattered, either physically or emotionally. And at BCC (Body Count Central), the Doomed Minor Character this week was, according to the official ep guide, known merely as “Bank Manager.” Let’s give him a name. Let’s call him Kenny Wayne Covington: “Uhh, Mrs. Kenny Wayne Covington, you remember how President Palmer’s brother and I made you pee yourself by pointing guns at your head in your bedroom and kidnapping your husband, and then we suggested that your husband would be okay if he helped us get into his bank? Well, uhh, something sort of happened to Kenny Wayne. As we say in government circles, Kenny Wayne is now, uhh, ‘heart-beat challenged.’ Kenny Wayne is the ‘recent purchaser of a crop- and/or livestock-producing rural estate.’ In fact, Kenny Wayne is ‘thrusting in an upwardly manner several stems of the flora known as Bellis perennis.’ Basically, we killed him. Except not on purpose, and actually WE didn’t do it ourselves. The police did. Or the terrorists did. I think there were snipers there, too, and even a couple of duck hunters. Anyhoo, REST ASSURED, we did NOT do it. Had we shot Kenny Wayne, we—actually I should say ‘I’ since the president’s brother is a marine biologist, not a REAL marine—I would have shot him in the leg above the kneecap so he wouldn’t be dead or even paralyzed, though he would undergo months of painful physical rehabilitation. Uhh, Mrs. Covington, please don’t cry…or sue…or tell my girlfriend.”

4. Was it just me or was anyone else really grossed out by the presidential makeout session? Yes, we love the First Lady, Martha EMMY! Logan, but c’mon, it was like watching Don Knotts and Barbara Mandrell get it on. EWE! And the SOUND! It sounded like someone slapping hamburger patties together or squishing one of those tubes of squeeze mayonnaise. Oops. I think I just made myself vurp*. Please, no more of that. By the way, now that EMMY! Logan hasn’t “chased the dragon” or “smacked doobie” or “gone ice-fishing” whatever the Goths are calling illegal drug use these days, her head is clear enough to keep her on her toes. She’s not taking everything at face value, which is a good thing.
* Vurp: a burp that almost comes up, but not quite.

5. Barney Fife is SO despicable at this point that I’m afraid his downfall, whatever that may be, will not satisfy my bloodlust. He killed our beloved President Palmer (forcing him to sell insurance), allowed his own drug-addled wife to ride in the Limousine of Doom, and shattered Michelle and Tony’s Taco Bell dreams. All that crap about “new evidence.” Grrrrrrrrrr. Oh yeah, don’t forget his ITTY BITTY TINY SHRIVELLED UP MICROSCOPIC TESTICLES OF SHAME AND DERISION! And then there’s Henderson! What tragic demise awaits these two vile troglodytes? I can’t wait, yet I fear being disappointed. Maybe I should just get a life.

6. How’d you like to be the poor guy who got stuck with Audrey’s tracking device?
Nameless Agent: Sir, according to your license, you’re not Audrey Raines.
White Truck Guy: No, I’m Clyde Bevin. I remove roadkill and all those single sneakers you see. One time I found a small futon.

7. It’s good to see the ol’ badger, William Devane, back in the role of Secretary Heller. He’s got a real surly feel to him. I imagine him eating paper clips and sandpaper for breakfast before he nonchalantly TAKES DOWN THE PRESIDENT! Was it me or did he say at the end of his phone call with Audrey: “Honey, call your brother. He’s still upset over being seduced by that guy and nearly getting us all killed. Plus, he lost his gig on The O.C. He needs you.”

8. God bless Chloe O’Brien. When Miles confronted her outside the “powder room,” why didn’t she just say, “Miles. I WAS POOPIN’! You know, I haven’t POOPED since I took Jack and Derek, the daughter Jack Never Had, to Wayne Palmer’s penthouse. That was 15 HOURS AGO. MILES, HAVEN’T YOU HEARD? YOU EAT…AND THEN YOU POOP! GIRLS DO IT, TOO! GET OVER IT!”

9. And God bless Aaron Pierce. I hope and pray he comes out of this alive. Wouldn’t it be great if he gets to choose President Logan’s punishment? I imagine Aaron giggling uncontrollably as he and Mrs. Martha Logan Pierce, slightly tipsy on mint juleps and Honduran cigars, sit on the White House portico, firing red, white, and blue paintballs at a naked President Logan streaking in zigzag fashion across the White House lawn, like a metal duck in a state fair shooting booth: “Oh, Aaron, you have such broad shoulders. Oh my, that one looked like it stung! Evelyn, dear, I know your leg still hurts, but hop up and get that tequila out of the credenza.”

Next week: It turns out that the Shake-a-Bed was vibrating Evelyn so violently that Henderson couldn’t get a good shot in edgewise. He runs out of bullets and is incapacitated when Stupid for Calling 9-1-1 temporarily blinds him with a move she learned on The Matrix: Reloaded. Chloe gets on the intercom and announces: “Hello? Just wanted to let everyone know I’M CONSTIPATED! I MAY BE IN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES AT LEAST!” Audrey and Jack try to decide on a honeymoon destination: Kabul? Fallujah? Niagara Falls? Satan prepares a room for President Logan.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Last 12 Songs Added to Tyberspace's iPod

It's time to get crunk, get buck. I have no idea what that means, but do it anyway.

1. Hot Child in the City/Nick Gilder
2. Steady, As She Goes/The Raconteurs
3. Crazy in Love/Beyoncé
4. Get Right/J.Lo with Fabolous
5. Hey Mama/The Black-Eyed Peas
6. Baile, Baile, Baile/Marc Ribot
7. In Dreams/Roy Orbison
8. Galvanize/The Chemical Brothers
9. Cubicle/Rinôçérôse
10. Stoned, Pt. 1/Lewis Taylor
11. Dark Side of Love/Danny Tate
12. Gideon/My Morning Jacket

Monday, April 03, 2006

24: Day Five, 9-11pm Jack Bauer Gets Another Woman Shot in the Leg (#15, 16)


Two killer episodes. Because of technical difficulties, I was unable to create of list of observations about episode 15 (9-10 p.m.), Today’s list of observations, then, will be based on the last two eps, not the usual one. We could also refer to this entry “Violent Thoughts with Jack ‘Handy with a Gun’ Bauer”:


1. Gimme a G! Gimme an R! Gimme an A! Gimme a P! Gimme an H! Gimme an I! Gimme a C! Gimme a space before the next word! Gimme a V! Gimme another I! Gimme an O! Gimme an L! Gimme an E! Gimme an N! Gimme another C! Gimme a breath, and then gimme another E! WHAT’S THAT SPELL? G-R-A-P-H-I-C V-I-O-L-E-N-C-E! YaaaaaayyyyyYYY! The Tyberspace family loves the "Graphic Violence" warning since it obviously means some bad person will get what was coming to him or her. At our house, we’ve taught our cat Chessie to do “the graphic violence wave” when the viewer discretion warning comes on. She gets it right about 3% of the time.

2. If you’re ever lucky enough to work with a man who has managed to survive a) a horrific explosion at a natural gas plant; b) an explosion INSIDE an underground bunker; c) a gunshot wound to the face at close range; d) a heroin addiction and a Mexican drug lord’s girlfriend AT THE SAME TIME; e) numerous Tazerings; f) rabies; g) scabies; h) Sherry Palmer; i) the most vapid daughter EVER; j) general unrest; k) acne in his late 20s; l) a father who remade “Invasion of the Body Snatchers”; and m) a massive heart attack while climbing a ladder running after evil people, then update your resume and RUN LIKE HELL! Maybe God’s trying to tell you something. Did anyone notice the frightened “Omigod, he’s immortal!” look on Curtis’ face when Jack emerged unscathed from the plant explosion, carrying Bierko over his shoulder like a bag of cedar chips at PetSmart? They were playing Phoenix-rising-from-the-ashes music, for cryin’ out loud! “Here’s your bad guy, Curtis. Book ‘im!” I keep waiting for Jack to yell “Shazam” and the cartoon mentors come down to plan the next crime-fighting trip in the RV.

3. If you are a woman with a scrawny neck who got her job with the Dept. of Defense through a bad case of nepotism, who happens to fall in love with a coworker who, later on, tortures your current yet estranged somewhat gayish meerkat-looking British husband (not killing him, but electrocuting his pecs with a hotwired electric razor connected to a hotel ice bucket but then leaving him to die on a government agency operating table) and then 18 months later pins you to the wall by the neck like a certain bird eaten mainly at Thanksgiving and sometimes at Easter if the Kroger's out of ham, then RUN LIKE HELL! Consider planning for some not-so-good days during your bound-to-be-volatile marriage, one of which will certainly include a very uncomfortable Sunday afternoon dinner with said coworker, his accident-prone, cougar-attracting daughter and her psychologist/80s movie star boyfriend.

4. Of course, Audrey Raines continues to have that “I’m gonna MARRY that man” glaze over her eyes. I can hear her now at the reception: “Glad you made it! Thanks for toaster #3! Over there, right behind the mixed nuts and the sausage balls is where the ritualistic, execution-style slaying of Jack’s worst enemy is about to start. Hurry! Get a good seat! Sherbet punch, anyone?”

5. Speaking of nutz and balls, I can’t wait to see He Who Has Microscopic Dangling Peas Between His Legs (I think this is President Logan’s Native American name, bestowed upon him at a casino pot luck in New Mexico last July) get what’s coming to him. What’s the government protocol for a fist to the breastbone?

6. If you notice brown spittle on your chin, then don’t run like hell. It’s too late. Lie down like a hobbit; it’ll be over soon.

7. What request can Chloe NOT fulfill?! Can the woman fail once in while?! Okay, Spenser was a slight error in judgment, but other than that . . . C’MON!
“Chloe, I need an infrared scan of my spleen!” “Got it, Jack!”
“Chloe, I need a Doppler satellite read on Bierko’s NetZero bill!” “Got it, Jack!”
“Chloe, I need a double-shot, caramel low-fat latte, hold the cream!” “Got it, Jack!”
“Chloe, I need someone to run the guestbook at my wedding!” “Got it, Audrey! Geez!”
“Chloe, I need a live feed of Cher singing ‘Believe’ up-linked to my PDA!” “Got it, Jack!”
“Chloe, I need a pedicure! NOW! JUST FIGURE IT OUT!” “Got it, Jack!”
“Chloe, I need a box of government cheese, five cans of lite Vienna sausages, a six-pack of Diet Rite Peach, a roll of double-stick tape, and a large female chinchilla delivered to my parents in Encino. That’s Eddie and Betty Bauer.” “Wait, I thought your dad’s name was Ernie.” “CHLOE, WE DON’T HAVE TIME FOR QUESTIONS! Ernie’s his middle name, and yes, he started the clothing store in 1968 when I was three. MY MOM SENDS HER CONDOLENCES ABOUT EDGAR. SHE THOUGHT YOU TWO MADE A GREAT COUPLE!” “But we weren’t . . . Got it, Jack!”

8. If a white UPS-lookin’ truck pulls up into your driveway, and out pours several rebels from an unnamed Russian satellite country, RUN LIKE HELL! They’re not delivering that angora sweater you ordered off e-bay.

9. If you work at a power plant and several rebels from an unnamed Russian satellite country suddenly appear and ask you to lower the pressure so they can spread Sentox nerve gas throughout the city, don’t run like hell! Make up a lame excuse like “Garlic upsets my stomach,” go to the bathroom, and then RUN LIKE HELL!

10. If Jack falls in love with your momma, get used to rejection.

11. Aaron Pierce once again SAVES THE DAY! He just needs to bite the bullet and start wearing a leotard and a cape. “President Pierce” has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?

12. Wayne Palmer misspoke. He was a marine BIOLOGIST, not a marine IN THE MILITARY! He almost blew chow when he had to kill that guy.

13. What about weird Sexual Harassment Chick? Something’s up her sleeve . . . probably a 5-page handwritten complaint about the lascivious, leering, up-and-down, lip-licking way Agent Bauer looks at her when he’s rushing by, saving people.

14. As with life, Homeland Security is evil.

15. Jack seems to know a lot about bullet wounds to the leg, doesn’t he? “Evelyn, the bullet went in through your calf, routed up the line of the femur, skipped over the humerus and chipped your ulna, glanced off the tibia, zipped by your uvula, and exited out the patella. You’ll be fine and won’t be paralyzed. Woulda been better if you’d been shot in the leg above the kneecap, but you weren’t shot by me, so that’s that. It does need attention.” I can hear Betty Bauer now: “At Quantico, Jack made his only B in Advanced Leg-Shooting. We’re SO proud!”

16. Was it me or is Audrey growing some major backbone? STRONG WOMEN ROCK! I’m sure, however, somewhere lurking in Audrey’s head is the same mantra as always: “Hair up? Hair down? Hair up? Hair down? Hair up? Hair down? Hair up?”

Next week: Jack stops by the bank and asks for the free checking deal he saw on TV. Things go awry when he discovers the bank has upped the bounced-check fee from $15 to $25. He shoots the elderly teller in the leg above the kneecap so she won’t be paralyzed and barricades himself behind a pyramid of those tall gold sand-filled ashtrays you see in doctors’ offices and banks, but not before Chloe orders Ren & Stimpy checks.