24: Day Five, 4-5pm Jack Bauer Somehow Gets Under the Floor and Survives an Explosion While Aaron Kills Terrorists (#10)
Greetings, fellow Jackheads! What a great eppy! I had to drink and smoke after last night's show!
1. HOBBIT ALMOST GOTTA GUN PULLED ON HIM AND CURTIS PUT HIM IN A HOLDING CELL! HOBBIT ALMOST GOTTA GUN PULLED ON HIM AND CURTIS PUT HIM IN A HOLDING CELL! Ol' Posco Brownlock of Overhill looks very concerned! I would be to if I had Curtis Manning on my bad side.
2. We might as well hand out Emmys at the door. As much as I HATE Mungo Deepdelver of Brockenborings, Sean Astin's acting deserves an Emmy. How can you not HATE McDillyweed Grumshines, that paranoid a$$!
Dimple Grubb of Little Delving: Curtis, you can't take a bathroom break at a time like this. YOU'RE FIRED!
Curtis: Watch me, you tiny little chubby furry putz of a man.
Ponto Gamgee Whitfurrows: Unnamed guard in a red shirt, arrest that man peeing on my shoe!
Unnamed Guard in a Red Shirt: Not going to do that, sir. If I poked you with a stick, would you giggle like the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
Drogo Bulge of Great Smials: YOU'RE FIRED!
Curtis: Take him away...to the Shire, Middle Earth.
Togo Bramble of Willowbottom: You can't DO THAT! Everyone who EVER HAS served and who WILL serve in this office is FIRED!!! I will blow upon my secret horn to call upon my elven friend Legolas to rain flaming elven arrows upon you all!
Drogo Brandybuck of Buckland: And that includes Lynn McDill. WHERE IS HE?! HE'S FIRED!!!!!!!
Curtis: Uhh, that's you, and you can't fire yourself. Gentlemen, take him away.
Was our household the only one doing a little victory dance around the coffee table when Curtis asserted his authority? We did cartwheels until I hit my heel on the TV table and fell on the cat. I loved the way the guards dragged Wilcomb Cotton of Overhill out by the hair of his furry little feet, his fingernails leaving marks on the linoleum, and him screamin' all the way: "Heads are gonna roll!!! This goes against protocol!!!! MOMMY! GANDALF!"
3. Please note the following comparison:
4. President Logan, the second most hated character on the show, is gradually imploding. It's almost a little hard to watch, but delightfully so. It's so not over. What a great conversation LightBulbHead and President NoNads seem to be having!
President Logan: You know, my father used to say--
Mike Novic: What? That to get anything done, you had to have some gonads and that sadly, you don't?
President Logan (tears welling up in his eyes): Uhh, no, Mike, he used to say--
Mike: What? That at your wedding, he hugged Martha and said, "At least someone in this family has ball$ bigger than my little toe?
President Logan: NO, Mike! Dad would say--
Mike: What? That he needed an electron microscope to find evidence that his son wasn't born a eunuch?
President Logan: No, if you'd just let me finish. My father used to put me on his knee and--
Mike: And what? Slap the silly crap out of you for having nutz the size of dust bunnies? That's sad, Mr. President. Here, since you don't have any testicles to speak of, take these KIWI FRUIT out of my sack lunch, stick them DOWN YOUR SHORTS, and LET'S SAVE THIS COUNTRY...
Oh yeah...WITHOUT SACRIFICING YOUR VERY OWN WIFE! Geez MAN, GET SOME 'NADS! Thank God the First Lady made it out alive. I'm salivating in anticipation for the scene where she confronts NoBallz Piece o' Poop. Can't wait!
5. Okay, you'd think that in the network of evil masterminds, a memo would go out that Jack is indestructible. Here's how we handle it at our house:
Jack gets Tasered so hard, his teeth crumble and his eyes merge into one, making him a Cyclops.
My wife: Oh, he's fine. He's Jack.
Jack gets blown to smithereens when he steps on a grenade.
Me: That bad guy's a big dork if he thinks Jack is dead.
Lo and behold, Jack, covered in heavy debris, emerges from a panel in the floor that's ON FIRE, mind you, basically unscathed. Then Jack falls in a pool of boiling acid and gets bitten in two by a titanium shark.
My wife: Oh, good grief, is that all you got, Jack?
Jack's torso swims so fast that it makes it out of the pool, retrieves its bottom half, finds a sewing kit and sews itself back together. Jack is fine in about ten minutes.
6. Sparks are flying between Chloe and Edgar. "Love is in the air, in the whisper of his cord jeans." The season opener next season will have Edgar emerging from Chloe's boudoir: "Hey, Chloe, yooz got any of that squeeze cheese to go with this cigar?"
7. Lest I forget, GOD BLESS SECRET SERVICEMAN AARON PIERCE! I love that man, and so does EMMY "I left my Zoloft in the armored Escalade again" Logan. The man is at least in his late 50s, and not only did he protect Natasha and Boris (the king and queen of Russia) AND the First Lady while wounded seriously in the earlobe, he did some over-the-shoulder, through-the-legs, run-jump-and-roll gunplay, killing several bad guys! He kicks butt! Here we see the Russian presidential limo right before the poop hit the fan and Aaron saved the day.
Next week: Kimberley, the smart daughter Jack never had, emerges from Cosmetology school to be reinstated at CTU as a makeover specialist to help boost morale.