24: Day Five, 4-5pm Jack Bauer Somehow Gets Under the Floor and Survives an Explosion While Aaron Kills Terrorists (#10)

Greetings, fellow Jackheads! What a great eppy! I had to drink and smoke after last night's show!

Some observations:

1. HOBBIT ALMOST GOTTA GUN PULLED ON HIM AND CURTIS PUT HIM IN A HOLDING CELL! HOBBIT ALMOST GOTTA GUN PULLED ON HIM AND CURTIS PUT HIM IN A HOLDING CELL! Ol' Posco Brownlock of Overhill looks very concerned! I would be to if I had Curtis Manning on my bad side.


2. We might as well hand out Emmys at the door. As much as I HATE Mungo Deepdelver of Brockenborings, Sean Astin's acting deserves an Emmy. How can you not HATE McDillyweed Grumshines, that paranoid a$$!
Dimple Grubb of Little Delving: Curtis, you can't take a bathroom break at a time like this. YOU'RE FIRED!
Curtis: Watch me, you tiny little chubby furry putz of a man.
Ponto Gamgee Whitfurrows: Unnamed guard in a red shirt, arrest that man peeing on my shoe!
Unnamed Guard in a Red Shirt: Not going to do that, sir. If I poked you with a stick, would you giggle like the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
Drogo Bulge of Great Smials: YOU'RE FIRED!
Curtis: Take him away...to the Shire, Middle Earth.

Hmm. Middle Earth has changed a lot since I saw it last.

Togo Bramble of Willowbottom: You can't DO THAT! Everyone who EVER HAS served and who WILL serve in this office is FIRED!!! I will blow upon my secret horn to call upon my elven friend Legolas to rain flaming elven arrows upon you all!
Curtis: (sigh)
Drogo Brandybuck of Buckland: And that includes Lynn McDill. WHERE IS HE?! HE'S FIRED!!!!!!!
Curtis: Uhh, that's you, and you can't fire yourself. Gentlemen, take him away.


Was our household the only one doing a little victory dance around the coffee table when Curtis asserted his authority? We did cartwheels until I hit my heel on the TV table and fell on the cat. I loved the way the guards dragged Wilcomb Cotton of Overhill out by the hair of his furry little feet, his fingernails leaving marks on the linoleum, and him screamin' all the way: "Heads are gonna roll!!! This goes against protocol!!!! MOMMY! GANDALF!"

3. Please note the following comparison:

President Logan's

Martha Logan's

4. President Logan, the second most hated character on the show, is gradually imploding. It's almost a little hard to watch, but delightfully so. It's so not over. What a great conversation LightBulbHead and President NoNads seem to be having!

President Logan: You know, my father used to say--
Mike Novic: What? That to get anything done, you had to have some gonads and that sadly, you don't?
President Logan (tears welling up in his eyes): Uhh, no, Mike, he used to say--
Mike: What? That at your wedding, he hugged Martha and said, "At least someone in this family has ball$ bigger than my little toe?
President Logan: NO, Mike! Dad would say--
Mike: What? That he needed an electron microscope to find evidence that his son wasn't born a eunuch?
President Logan: No, if you'd just let me finish. My father used to put me on his knee and--
Mike: And what? Slap the silly crap out of you for having nutz the size of dust bunnies? That's sad, Mr. President. Here, since you don't have any testicles to speak of, take these KIWI FRUIT out of my sack lunch, stick them DOWN YOUR SHORTS, and LET'S SAVE THIS COUNTRY...

Oh yeah...WITHOUT SACRIFICING YOUR VERY OWN WIFE! Geez MAN, GET SOME 'NADS! Thank God the First Lady made it out alive. I'm salivating in anticipation for the scene where she confronts NoBallz Piece o' Poop. Can't wait!

5. Okay, you'd think that in the network of evil masterminds, a memo would go out that Jack is indestructible. Here's how we handle it at our house:
Jack gets Tasered so hard, his teeth crumble and his eyes merge into one, making him a Cyclops.
My wife: Oh, he's fine. He's Jack.
Jack gets blown to smithereens when he steps on a grenade.
Me: That bad guy's a big dork if he thinks Jack is dead.
Lo and behold, Jack, covered in heavy debris, emerges from a panel in the floor that's ON FIRE, mind you, basically unscathed. Then Jack falls in a pool of boiling acid and gets bitten in two by a titanium shark.
My wife: Oh, good grief, is that all you got, Jack?
Jack's torso swims so fast that it makes it out of the pool, retrieves its bottom half, finds a sewing kit and sews itself back together. Jack is fine in about ten minutes.


6. Sparks are flying between Chloe and Edgar. "Love is in the air, in the whisper of his cord jeans." The season opener next season will have Edgar emerging from Chloe's boudoir: "Hey, Chloe, yooz got any of that squeeze cheese to go with this cigar?"


7. Lest I forget, GOD BLESS SECRET SERVICEMAN AARON PIERCE! I love that man, and so does EMMY "I left my Zoloft in the armored Escalade again" Logan. The man is at least in his late 50s, and not only did he protect Natasha and Boris (the king and queen of Russia) AND the First Lady while wounded seriously in the earlobe, he did some over-the-shoulder, through-the-legs, run-jump-and-roll gunplay, killing several bad guys! He kicks butt! Here we see the Russian presidential limo right before the poop hit the fan and Aaron saved the day.

Next week: Kimberley, the smart daughter Jack never had, emerges from Cosmetology school to be reinstated at CTU as a makeover specialist to help boost morale.

Also next week, HeadWound Tony comes out of surgery and drools all over himself: "I am not an animal. I am a human being!" Gee whiz, he needs more bed rest!

24: Day Five, 3-4pm Jack Bauer Knocks a Coworker Unconscious While a Hobbit's Sister Takes Drugs (#9)

Well, wasn't that a delightful episode? Barney Fife the President basically sets up the scenario where the First Lady, Martha EMMY! Logan, will probably get gassed alongside the Russians. That's gonna make for an awkward Thanksgiving. I hate it when holidays go awry!


Some observations. Not a long one this time,

1. I am hate, hate, HATING Funky Winkerbean Butterbottom, the most reviled hobbit in the land. Can't WAIT until the entire Shire figures out his passkey is the one his Dumbelina sister's rat-a$$ troll of a boyfriend will likely sell to the bad guys. By the way, thanks to fellow Jackhead Julie for making that prediction. Here we see McDill's sister Celebriän Cúthalion with some of her stoner friends. Too bad she's hiding the track marks under those lovely long sleeves.

Love watching McDill's downward spiral. Pretty soon, it's just gonna be him in CTU's main office with the janitor running all the computers while all the CTU agents are packed like sardines in every available holding cell. He's really beginning to lose it.
Pudgydork the Witless: "Hey Kelvin . . . "
Janitor: "It's Kevin."
Grunt the Brainless Wonder: "I'M IN CHARGE! I'M WRITING YOU UP FOR INSUBORDINATION! YOU'RE NAME FROM NOW ON WILL BE KELVIN!"
Ke(l)vin the Janitor: "You can't. I'm the janitor. We're contract labor. I work for Merry Maids."
Triplechin Brandylegs: "NEVER MIND! Get me the DOD protocol estimations for the greater L.A. disaster trajectory figures."
Ke(l)vin the Janitor: "You've GOT to be kidding."
Mungo Knotwise of Michel Delving: "What's going on? Who do you work for?! WHAT ARE YOU HIDING? What have you told Audrey Raines, now resting quietly in the basement lavatory, hands tied, mouth gagged? And how'd you get clearance?"
Ke(l)vin the Janitor: "My supervisor Fiona signed me in."
Orgulas Brockhouse of Loamsdown: "DAMMIT! I need Chloe!"
Ke(l)vin the Janitor: "Isn't that the chick you had arrested for rolling her eyes behind your back?"
Sancho Proudneck of Tuckborough: "Yes, that's the one. I had her shackled and thrown in the supply closet on the third floor. I'm going to have her questioned as soon as I can remember where I had Mike the Torture Guy put under house arrest."
Ke(l)vin the Janitor: "The supply closet on the third floor? Now THAT I can do. I'll go get her."
Pimple Brandybuck of Buckland: "Don't bother coming back! I'm putting you under arrest for...HAVING TOO MANY KEYS! DAMMIT!"
Ke(l)vin the Janitor: "Talk to my supervisor. Dude, you've got furry feet. What up wit dat?"


2. Poor Curtis. We all knew Jack was gonna have to do that to him. Don't we ALL have to violently render our coworkers unconscious from time to time? Curtis looks so peaceful.


When Jack said, "Curtis, don't fight it..." I was relieved that he didn't finish with "...this attraction we have for each other! Tony Almeda broke mah heart, but now ah've found YOU! Curtis, even though ah jest knocked yoo plumb out cold, AH CAIN'T QUIT YOO!"


We would've been forced to rename the show BrokeNose Mountain.


3. In a brilliant move, The World's Stupidest-A$$ Hobbit puts Buchanan in a holding cell. Buchanan is sitting there right now thinking, "I'm gonna take that fat, smug little putz and feed him, furry toe by furry toe, to a troupe of East L.A. drag queens. Or maybe I'll just call the Miracle Worker and Gomez Adams to come here and spank his spoiled child-actor a$$!!"



4. EMMY! Logan pulled a real shocker by getting in the Russian motorcade, didn't she?! The conversation must've gone something like: "Uhh, driver, I'd like to take Mr. and Mrs. Babushka to that time-honored American icon of cuisine, Jack in the Box...

...I love, love, LOVE their ciabiatta turkey and provolone sandwich. Ciabiatta! What a fun word! Let's say it together: CIABIATTA! OMIGOD, a lovely gentleman selling maps to the stars' homes! Uhh, hey, Gorby, can you spot me $4.95? Thanks. (unfolding map). Oh, look...Gavin McLeod's condo, HERE WE COME!

Driver, turn left...NOW. We don't wanna miss George Hamilton in his Speedo, do we?!

And then...Hasselhoff!"


Here's a shot of the Russian motorcade right before it heads out...TO CERTAIN DOOM!

5. Poor desperate little EMMY! Logan. She has such hope. Little does she know, Barney's gonna save his own butt before he sticks his neck out for anyone else. She's gonna be doing the BROWN SPITTLE ON MY CHIN dance before she can say "Hand me the Hennessy."


6. Julian Sands makes a GREAT villain. HE PUT ERWICH ON A STICK! ERWICH ON A STICK!

7. Repeat after me: "President Logan is a big moron with tiny gonads. President Logan is a big moron with tiny gonads." The more he speaks, flaps his lips, and rolls those bugged-out Barney Fife eyes, THE MORE I CAN'T STAND HIM!


Next week: On the way to certain death on the Sepulveda Expressway, First Lady EMMY! Logan stalls for time: "Uhh, driver! I COMMAND you to stop by the Burbank Beverage Barn! (to the Russian premier's wife) Pardon me, Svetlana, but Marty's gotta get her 'meds,' if you know what I mean (wink, wink). They've got Smirnoff there, cheap!"

Also next week: Kimberley Bauer inadvertently slices off the left ear of her current boyfriend Hajj when she persuades him to be her sit-down model for her cosmetology finals.