24: Day Five, 8-9pm Jack Bauer Thinks He Might Have to Kill, or at Least Torture His Skinny-Necked Girlfriend (#14)

O MY GOSH! I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE! Truly an edge-of-the-seat episode.

To my fellow “Lost” fans: So THAT’S what Desmond was doing on the other side of the island! HE WAS KNOCKIN’ BOOTS WITH LEGGY DOUBLE AGENTS FOR THE GERMANS! Who knew?! AUDREY RAINES, OF ALL PEOPLE?!!!!! They killed off the hobbit FOR THIS?! What a shocker! Now, either this is the biggest bombshell since George Michael visited the men’s room, or the baddies are trying to get to Jack by making him THINK she’s a mole. I have to admit that I CANNOT WAIT to see Jack pin her scrawny neck to the wall in next week’s episode. She’s gonna be pinned up there like a chicken at pluckin’ time. I mean, her time was up, don’t you think? Last season, her husband the gay British meerkat got his boobies electrocuted...NOW IT’S HER TURN! YAY! I have to admit I’ve had some empathy for her this season, but if she is indeed the mole, IT WILL NOT BE PRETTY.

Some observations:

1. WHY CAN’T JACK DATE A NORMAL GIRL?! I bet he’s thinking “I shoulda stuck with that corn-fed mother of Derek, the daughter I never had.” By the way, does Jack have parents? I guess not. I’d love to see him drop by his mother’s ranch-style bungalow:
Jack: “Mom! I’m just dropping by to make a quick sandwich.”
Mrs. Bauer: “Now, honey, can’t you stay for dinner? A sandwich isn’t enough. How’s Kim? She dating her shrink? I miss Chase, he was such a nice handicapped boy. How’s Audrey? Did she ever get her hair fixed? And Tony and Michelle? I’ve always loved Taco Bell. And what about that mousy-haired hacker girl? Zoe? Chloe? Not very personable, if you ask me. I always thought that large boy Edgar would be good for her, you know, put her in her place now and then. He’s portly, I know, but then again, your dad Ernie was portly when I first met him at the shooting range. Now, Jackie, sit down. I’ve got a roast in the crockpot.”
Jack: “Don’t have time, Mom. And no one calls me ‘Jackie,’ not even Audrey, Terry, Nina, that fresh-faced Iowan Girl, OR that Mexican girl I dated when I was hopped on heroin for a year in that undercover drug cartel. Where’s the Miracle Whip?”
Mrs. Bauer (sigh): “I just want you to be happy, sweetie, you know, meet a nice girl not from the West Coast or the East Coast, but from, oh, Nebraska, settle down, buy a farm, give Ernie and me another grandchild (preferably a boy who eventually dates GIRLS with all their limbs)
Jack: “Uhh, Mom, the Miracle Whip?”
Mrs. Bauer: “Oh, shoot, dear, we ran out just last night. Ernie and his midnight snacks! A minute on the lips; a lifetime on the hips, I always say. . .”
Jack: “DAMMIT, MOM! I’M JACK BAUER! YOU TELL ME WHERE THE MIRACLE WHIP IS, OR I’LL SHOOT YOU IN THE LEG ABOVE THE KNEE CAP SO YOU WON’T BE PERMANENTLY DISABLED!”
Mrs. Bauer (arms akimbo): “Well, I’ll be! Mr. Grumpy came to visit today, didn’t he? Mr. Grumpy gets no vittles in THIS house until he turns that frown into a smile! One...two..."
(Jack shoots his mom in the leg above the kneecap so she won’t be permanently disabled.) “Omigoodness! That hurts like hell!”
Jack: “Sorry, Mom. You won’t be permanently disabled, but you will have several months of painful rehabilitation. I’ve gotta go. Bierko must be stopped!” (Jack runs out, half-eaten bologna sandwich and juice box in hand).
Mrs. Bauer: “Ouchie wah wah, that stings like a mofo! ERNIE! YOO HOO! Jack, you bring your little friend Bierko by later. We’ll watch Lawrence Welk and play some Scrabble. ERNIE! JACKIE SHOT MOMMA AGAIN!”

2. Wayne Palmer is running for his life. I only wish he’d been driving a Focus or a Geo Metro. But NO, he had to be driving a sweet Mercedes. Hate to see a car like that tumble down an embankment near a convenient escape tunnel. Oh, did I mention Wayne is running for his life? Will he be the next stat in the huge body-count this season? We shall see!

3. To be hated: the Homeland Security morons. The way that butthead Miles took over the now-dead Edgar’s desk like he was on sick leave or something. Grrrrrr. Didn’t you love the fact that all it took was some McDonald’s coffee spilled on someone’s crotch for national security to be threatened? Gotta love Chloe! Not sure what a “wet list” is, but I’m assuming that Tony, Edgar, Michelle, and furry-footed Wilibald Overhill of Nobottle are now on the “dry list.”

4. Once again, Jack talks on the magic CTU phones, you know, the ones THAT ARE NEVER ON “VIBRATE”!!!! A very smooth move for Jack to give the German double agent a self-destructing memory chip, a la the style of the old “Mission: Impossible” TV series. Does Jack just happen to carry those on his person? I guess if he can make a bomb out of a bobby pin, corn meal, and a chicken feather, he can carry self-destructing memory chips in the pocket of his black secret-agent cargo pants.

5. Speaking of black secret agents, Curtis Manning once again made it out alive. He is solidly one of my favorite not-Jack characters. Surely Curtis HAS to be worried that hanging around with Jack is not good for one’s health. Notice how he very gradually moves out of collateral damage range every time he’s around Jack. Poor Jack. No women. No friends. No daughter or son who even looks like a daughter, to speak of. It’s just him and his magic cell phone.

6. I think Aaron Pierce ROCKS! Soon, he’ll be able to take EMMY! Logan in his arms, give her a big sloppy kiss on the lips, and then go out and mow his yard in his Bermuda shorts, sandals, and dark socks:
(doorbell rings) EMMY! Logan Pierce: I’ll get it. (opens door)
Former President Logan: Your mail, ma’am. Oh, hi, Marti.
EMMY! Logan Pierce: Charles. How are your tiny testicles?
Former President Logan (gulps geekily, gets red in face): Now, Marti, that hurts!
EMMY! Logan Pierce: Oh yeah?! So did your letting Aaron and I ride along in Boris and Natasha’s doomed motorcade.
Former President Logan: But...but...
EMMY! Logan Pierce: Speaking of butts, get yours off my hydrangeas. And take your miniscule scrotum with it.
Former President Logan: Is that Aaron out there mowing around that statue of David?
EMMY! Logan Pierce: Yes, it is. (sigh) You know, his cajones are HUGE! Almost as big as mine.
Former President Logan: But, Marti, can’t we talk?
EMMY! Logan Pierce: Buh-bye, numbnutz, you’ve got Fingerhut catalogs to deliver.

7. And where is Henderson, pray tell? Visiting Shot-in-Leg in the hospital? Probably not. No, I’m sure he’s buying women’s clothes at Cato, wigs at the Zsa-Zsa Emporium, and makeup at Sephora. Soon, he’ll be sneaking across the border to Tijuana where he will fade into the woodwork for a few years and re-emerge as . . . JACK’S NEW GIRLFRIEND! Talk about an awkward Thanksgiving.

Next week: It’s Audrey-pluckin’ time! By the end of the episode, Audrey has no eyebrows to speak of, which means . . . THE WEDDING’S OFF!

24: Day Five, 7-8pm Jack Bauer Kills a Hobbit (#13)

FINALLY! Well, here it is, almost two days late. Dang it, I actually had to WORK yesterday AND today! I HATE it when that happens. One reason it took so long to write this was that I had to recover from post-traumatic stress syndrome after seeing our beloved HeadWound Tony stabbed in the chest, a la Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction. All those Taco Bell dreams...gone in an instant. Right now Tony and Michelle are selling tacos in heaven. Here's the first thing Tony saw when he walked through the pearly gates:

Edgar's there, dribbling white cheese sauce over his 15 tacos, with his Baked Alaska momma wondering how in the HEAVEN Sherry Palmer got past the front door.

And what did I predict? Wilibald Sandybanks, the Hobbit Voted Most Wanted Dead did indeed sacrifice himself after compromsing CTU security. Now he's in heaven, too...beating the ever-loving CRAP outta his sister. By the way, if you thought Marmadas Hamwich of Buckleberry Fern, our fat little incompetent hobbit, had secrets here on earth...well, in heaven HIS SECRET IS NO MORE! Freedom, Chubblefat, FREEDOM!


May Edgar and the Very Dead Hobbit, Fosco Bumbleroot of Fair Downs, rest in peace.

Some observations:

1. Apparently, the "24" producers have no qualms about randomly picking off whomever they please. Soon, the only people left at CTU will be Jack and Kevin the Janitor, whom Jack will promptly shoot in the leg above the kneecap for not cleaning up the brown-spittle spill in aisle 5. Gee whiz! I have to say I felt bad for badmouthing Wheewilly Berilac Burrows of Tuckborough all this time as he raced through the halls singing "Over the hills and through the hall, through fatal clouds of nerve gas we go!" It was a good death scene. I'm thinking they used a Starbucks nonfat double latte for all the brown-spittle shots.

2. For me, Jack's words of sympathy ring a little hollow: "Uhh, Berilac Hardbottle the Portly Hobbit, you're the only one who can save us...and you're gonna die in the process." You KNOW everyone was thinking "This, from the man who could put on a peanut suit, stand in a herd of hungry elephants, and STILL MAKE IT OUT ALIVE!" See Jack survive:

3. And good grief, poor Expendable Guard in Red Shirt #3 had to, of all things, CALL HIS YOUNG DAUGHTER. What manipulative scripting!
Daughter: Daddy, when you come home from your very dangerous job, will you bring me a BB gun?
Guard #3: No, little Shenandoah, honey, Daddy's gonna be a while.
Shenandoah: Please come home, Daddy. Mommy's watching QVC with the credit card out. How long, Daddy?
Guard #3: Oh, slightly longer than it will take my little Shenandoah to grow up, learn to kiss boys (or girls if you're anything like your Aunt Pat), learn to drive a truck, sell puppies by the K-Mart, get married, have the grandchildren I'll never know, and die an early death due to too much coffee and sausage.
Shenandoah: Daddy, YOU'RE SCARING ME!
Guard #3: You think YOU'RE scared?! You oughta be trapped in a room with a former hobbit, waiting to go all brown-spittle on myself! THEN we'll decide who's SCARED!

He DOES look scared, doesn't he?!
4. Barney Fife cried. He actually cried. Favorite line of the night:
Barney: (sniffle) Marti, I thought I had lost you. (sob)
She-Ra, Queen of the Jungle (what she said): You didn't lose me.
She-Ra, Queen of the Jungle (what she thought): Geez, SOMEONE in the family's gotta have some ballz! Good lord, aren't Aaron's shoulders broad? (sigh)

You know, Aaron and Mrs. Logan would make a great team, I think. By the way, here's Mrs. Logan's calling card:
5. Of course, we all knew Henderson the RoboCop was FAKIN' it, that ba$tard. I'm sure he's off to visit Ms. Poltergeist in the hospital recovering from her harmless bullet wound to the leg above the kneecap:
After a very long period of rehabilitation, she'll be able to walk again...like a three-legged cat hopped up on dope:
Hopefully she learned her lesson and won't invite Jack over for Scrabble ever again.

6. Gotta love Chloe. One would not call her diplomatic: "I once was in shock, but now I'm back to my sarcastic self, three minutes later. YO, SHRINK! You gonna hand out some free HUGS now?! At least I didn't have to psychoanalyze Spencer into embracing his inner child before 'gettin' some,' if you know what I mean. All it took was some nachos and a box of wine. And Kimberley Bauer, of all people?! She's a TODDLER compared to you, ya big PERV. And that goatee is SO early 90s. What next, a soul patch and a mullet?" Here is Kimberley's recent Olan Mills photo taken with her shrink/boyfriend Barry. By the way, the kid in the shot is related to no one but belongs to Chase, Kimberley's ex-boyfriend and formerly Jack's coworker until Jack had to cut off his hand to save his life. It's a long story.

Next week, Jack gets all Masada on the bad guys by killing everyone before the terrorists get a chance to—Bill Buchanan, Chloe, Kimberley the daughter he never had, Dr. Perv, Audrey, President Logan, Vice President Gardner, Vice President Gardner's ego, the Russian premier Olav and his wife Svetlana, Mike Novick, that unnamed doctor downstairs, Mrs. Henderson One-Leg, the cougar from season 2, Bahroos, Derek the daughter he never had, Expendable Guard in Red Shirt #4, the nice Muslim gunshop owners from last season, Matt Dillon's brother, Bierko the British Terrorist, AND Kevin the Janitor. After the bloodbath, Jack finally gets to sit down, fix him, Aaron Pierce, Mrs. Martha Logan Pierce, and Curtis Manning a coupla sandwiches, and TAKE A LEAK, FOR GOD'S SAKE!

24: Day Five, 5-7pm Jack Bauer Shoots the Mom from "Poltergeist" in the Leg Above the Kneecap (#11, 12)

OH MY GOSH! I CANNOT BELIEVE IT! HOW COULD THEY DO THAT?! HOW COULD THEY MAKE CHLOE DO "UGLY CRY" ON TV?!

Oh, yeah, they killed Edgar, too.

I can't speak...but I can type.

We were waiting for a Demi Moore/Patrick Swayze Ghost moment where Chloe and Edgar, backed by "Unchained Melody" piped in over the CTU intercom. Wait a minute, they played "Unchained Melody" over Jack and Curtis's man-hug in the Escalade. Replace "Unchained Melody" with "King of the Road." Anyhoo, Chloe and Edgar touch hands through the bullet-proof, hermetically sealed glass while Chloe silently mouths "Edgar, my glistening, often irritating lisping chunk of sweet hamhock" as he goes all brown-spittle chin on us. (thanks to my fellow Jackophile, Julie, for the Ghost reference!)

Our pudgy little friend has gone to meet his toasty mom in heaven. You know, she doesn't look at all like him:

My wife and I sat there, jaws dropped to the floor. We couldn't believe it. What an awesome two hours of television! Especially the last five minutes. Unbelievable!

The evening was so eventful, it took me a Pabst Blue Ribbon, a bucket of chicken wings, and an Apple-Pie-in-a-Box to gather my thoughts. Some observations:

1. Favorite line of the night from EMMY! Logan: "You can convey whatever you want to the president, Mike. May I suggest this large hot poker up his cowardly a$$, or how 'bout we convey this large pair of scissors onto his miniscule little gonads?! Or how 'bout we slap him naked and convey his clothes to the poor? How's that sound? Buh-bye."

2. Dingleberry Humperflinch the Hobbit lost the one person who meant something to him, his elven sister Susquehanna Eldriel. She basically went "over the sea," if you know what I mean. What a way to go. She's now embracing her elven sisters Sandy Duncan and Jenna Elfman. Oh wait, they're not dead. Never mind. Here's what she saw when she got there. Not so elven:

How much you wanna bet Minto Boggy-Hillocks, tormented by utter remorse for getting all those CTU folks gassed, sacrifices himself in next week's episode? The teaser indicated someone bites it. It should be him, the fat little poop.

3. I'm very concerned about Curtis. NO ONE BETTER MESS WITH CURTIS! He found the poison gas and put it in a plastic dumpster! He fought off Jack's advances during that Brokenose Mountain moment and maintained his masculinity! He beat up bad guys last season! He faced down Fastolph Sackville-Baggins the Rotund Hobbit AND WON! For these things he deserves a medal, or at least a day off. What a hero!


4. I thought the Kimberley/Jack "I was dead, but now I'm not" moment was handled quite well.
Jack: "Okay, remember when you thought I went down with that plane, but it was really George Mason, and you sat in the car and cried?"


Kimberley: "Yes. I buried you, Dad...wearing that red nose and those clown shoes you wore at my 6th birthday party. Do you remember when you shot my friend Billy for giving me a realistic-looking squirt gun?"
Jack: "That punk? HE DESERVED IT! I shot him ABOVE the kneecap!!!"
Kimberley: "He was 7. Anyway, I BURIED YOU...AND I HATE YOU!"
Jack: "Well, that wasn't me. That was a homeless guy named Jerry."
Kimberley: "I THOUGHT you looked weird, but with the red nose and big shoes, I couldn't really tell. That explains it! I HATE YOU!"
Jack: "Okay, but this was just like that plane crash time. I wasn't really dead. Pretend like I was on vacation with Aunt Nina."
Kimberley: "Aunt Nina killed Mom. I HATE YOU!"
Jack: "Okay, then. Aunt Audrey. How's that?"

5. Will love blossom between Martha Logan and Aaron? Hey, I figure if Bill Clinton can knock boots with an intern, the First Lady oughta be able to "supplement her income" (wink, wink) with her Secret Service guy, darn it. "Love is in the air, in the whisper of the trees..." Maybe next ep, they sneak out to Red Lobster. Don't they look good together?


6. I can't figure Mike Novick out. If I could just seen inside his head to discover what makes him tick... Hmm. Could be his tungsten filament.

Can he be trusted? We shall see. He definitely has his concerned Light Bulb look full on, doesn't he? He seems quite the schemer, yet he wants to protect the nation from the evil Vice President Hal Gardner.

Tangent 6B. Hmm. We have a bumbling goofball for a President and a heartless trigger-happy bully for a Vice President. I don't think that volatile combination has EVER sat in the White House, DO YOU?! That Veep has martial law on the brain. SOMEONE BETTER HIDE THE BB GUNS!

What you and I see when we gaze out into the vast sea of humanity:

What the Vice President sees:

Okay, back to the show:

7. Can you BELIEVE Jack shot the mom from Poltergeist in the leg above the kneecap?! Hasn't she had enough? First, ghosts in the TV, squeaky-voiced ghost-busters in the living room, and now, shot in the leg above the kneecap. How thoughtful of Jack to shoot her in the leg above the kneecap and then to explain to her cold-hearted ba$tard of a husband that yes, he shot her in the leg above the kneecap so she could walk again (after months and months of rehab). That's gonna RUIN Thanksgiving, you can guarantee it! By the way, just think: if only Dick Cheney had shot that old lawyer in the leg above the kneecap, then the pellet wouldn't have drifted around and lodged in the guy's heart causing him to flatline.

8. We're all salivating over Henderson's impending interrogation. Grab the popcorn and the kids for a lovely Monday evening of terrorist gassings and CEO torture!


9. As Julie has noted before, I think HeadWound Tony's head wound keeps switching sides. And, c'mon, Tony. What do you mean, "LOOK AT ME!"? It looks like a bad case of rug burn, that's all. You'll get over it. Now, the Michelle thing...that's different. If only you hadn't gone to that meeting with the Taco Bell execs. You'd still be in the living room in your droopy drawers, drinking PBR, and scratchin' your belly. The love of taco money and PBR is the root of all evil.


10. Bodo Bolger of Newbury, the Hobbit That Couldn't, is in VERY BAD TROUBLE! The authorities are gonna take away not only his badge, but also OuchMaker (his hobbitish sword) AND his glowing shot of tequila. God bless 'im; he don't look so good.


Next week:
As CTU's cream of the crop sit there helplessly trapped in the snazzy, yet hermetically sealed, glass cage (Buchanan's office), things go awry when Jack challenges Barry Landes (Kimberley's psychiatrist/boyfriend/former 80s star of Soul Man and The Outsiders) to a game of Scrabble. When Barry gets a triple word score with "undifferentiated schizophrenia with psychotic features, co-occurring bipolar disorder coupled with body dismorphic disorder," Jack shoots him in the leg above the kneecap.